


The Autistic Me

by darkangel89



Series: The Autistic Series [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Autism, Autism Spectrum, Autistic Sam Winchester, Canon Disabled Character, Confused Sam Winchester, Confusion, Disabled Sam Winchester, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt, Falling In Love, First Love, Forbidden, Forbidden Love, Forced Orgasm, Growing Up Together, Hurt Sam Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Innocent Sam Winchester, M/M, Non-Consensual Oral Sex, Protective Dean Winchester, Protective Jim Murphy, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sam Winchester Deals With Things, Sam Winchester Has an Eating Disorder, Sam Winchester-centric, Self-Denial, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Taboo, Tender Dean Winchester, Wincest warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-06-28 10:01:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 75,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15704970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkangel89/pseuds/darkangel89
Summary: Sam's different from other kids his own age and he knows it,but he also knows he's not trapt, he's just.. a little lost.And this is his story of breaking through the walls of autism.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the main story of Sam in the 'Autistic' series.  
> Hope you guys will enjoy this!

Dad was cooking food on the stove and it smelled so good, Sam stood beside him on a chair in a fair distance and looked down at the food in the frying pan, his dad was whistling and Sam didn’t really understand how that sound could come through his lips, but he didn’t ask.  
  
He never did.  
  
In a few weeks, he’d be turning four years old. _A big boy_. The food sounded kinda funny in the frying pan and dad turned to take something from the sink and Sam just wanted to taste the food, because it really smelled good. Sam stretched out his hand to the stove but his eyes shout up just in time to see the bird that hovered past the window, it was yellow and black and Sam's hand started to hurt.  
  
Instead of pulling his hand away however, Sam looked down at where his hand was and widened his eyes as the hurt turned into a burning feeling and as he pulled his hand back, the frying pan fell to the floor, the food was destroyed and Sam’s hand hurt and it was red and the bird was gone.  
  
Dad was there and he was yelling, Sam couldn’t really hear the words because his hand hurt really bad and then dad took his wrist with his big hand and Sam tried to pull away, because he really didn’t like to be touched but dad didn’t let go of him and the frying pan was still on the floor, the food was destroyed and the burning turned cold and Sam looked at his hand as it was bathed in water.  
  
“You better?” It was a question and Sam knew that and nodded. “Never do that again.”  
  
Dad wasn’t angry. He had yelled but he didn’t sound angry anymore. Dad was never angry with Sam. Sometimes he was, but not always. Not as much as he was with the other boy anyway.  
  
Sam wouldn’t touch the food in the frying pan again, because it was destroyed.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
Sam had just turned four years old and a few minutes ago, he sat at the table, eating cornflakes with a spoon of ice cream underneath and a tuna sandwich on the side - _the only thing he liked_ \- in silence as he counted the spots of dirt on the wall, something he did every chance he got. But at the moment, right there, he was under the table in the small kitchen of the house daddy was renting for the time being.  
  
Sam had his eyes tightly shut, his hands were covering his ears to keep out the loud words he didn’t understand. He understood words alright, but when they were loud, it just got too much and he didn’t hear anything but loud noises and it scared him.  
  
Sam rocked to and fro in a nervous manner to calm himself down, he wasn't aware of how he'd be able to silence the voices and the harsh words didn’t stop even though he whispered the words he knew would stop the loud voices, but it didn’t help that time and he started to cry.  
  
He didn’t notice when the absurd noises hushed out and finally stopped, he didn’t realize he wasn’t alone under the table any longer, all Sam heard at the moment of confusion and fear was silent words of apologies and the loud pumping noise that was his own heart.  
  
His heart was beating so fast and there was wet on his cheeks, he didn’t like the wet on his cheeks when he was sad and he didn’t like the loud words and the angry voices and he didn’t even want to try to understand how it all started. All he wanted was the angry words to stop.  
  
A soft hand touched his shoulder and Sam shrugged it off, he didn’t like when people touched him, he didn’t want people to look at him, and there was a different voice coming through the hands that was covering his ears, no loud voices anymore and the words was quiet - calm.  
  
Sam didn’t stop rocking, but he did take his hands away from his ears and opened his eyes only to have to bend his head down to avoid the face and the eyes that was way too close for his approval. He didn’t like it when people got too close, it made his body go rigid and it hurt to be touched, it almost felt like burning.  
  
“It’s alright, he’s gone now.” Sam didn’t understand but nodded his head anyway.  
  
It was always alright, at least that’s what the other boy was always saying, but Sam wasn’t sure if it was the truth. There was always loud voices, anger and other things Sam didn’t really understand and it scared him and that was not alright. He was four years old and he didn’t understand why the voices never was quiet enough.  
  
All Sam wanted to do was to eat his breakfast in silence.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
Bobby was a nice older man, he was as old as dad and that was old, Sam figured, because dad wasn’t a kid like he and the other boy was, dad and Bobby drove cars and Bobby had very many cars in his garden. Dad called the garden a junkyard, but Sam knew his dad was wrong, because the grass outside the house was a garden.  
  
But the grass had died, it was ugly and yellow and the many cars there looked funny and many. They had been at Bobby’s for a night and Bobby and dad was inside and Sam and the other boy was in the garden by the cars.  
  
“Come on Sammy, play ball with me!” The other boy said and Sam ignored it because the car was so much more interesting than a ball.  
  
He sat down on the ground and touched the old tire of the old looking truck. Cars were easier. Cars weren’t humans, it didn’t have eyes and it didn’t touch him when he didn’t want to. Cars were awesome. The ‘pala was cool and Sam knew it was black.  
  
He was happy it wasn’t red.  
  
But that truck on Bobby’s junkyard/garden was bigger than the ‘pala and it was an old shade of green. The grass should’ve been green. But it was dead so it was yellow instead. The color yellow wasn’t very nice, but nothing was worse than red. Sam just didn’t like red.  
  
The other boy played with a ball. Sam knew it was a ball because it was round and the boy had said it was a ball. But it was hard and tires of the truck was hard too. Not as hard as the ball maybe and Sam really knew it’d hurt if the other boy played ball with him.  
  
The grass was sticky underneath his hands, it tickled his palms a little, and the sun was warm above the sky. There was no clouds that day and dad walked out of the house, yelling at Sam and the other boy to get into the car.  
  
It wasn’t a question, so Sam did what he was told. Dad looked angry. Or rather, he sounded angry and their duffle bags were already in the car when dad shut Sam’s door. The other boy didn’t ask, so Sam didn’t do either.  
  
He never did.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
On Sam’s fifth birthday, the other boy gave him a ice cream and a new T-shirt in the color black. It was nice, because the ‘pala was black and now Sam could have his black T-shirt on when he was in the ‘pala and that was cool. The ice cream was tasty and a cat was sitting by Sam’s feet, it was gray and white and it looked at him.  
  
Cat’s were funny, and Sam laughed as he reached his hand down and petted it on the back. The cat’s fur was soft and nice and Sam liked it. The other boy’s shoes were very ugly, dirty, and broken and Sam didn’t like them.  
  
“Shoes.” He said and surprised himself, he hadn’t planned on speaking and his voice sounded funny.  
  
“Yeah, what about them?” The other boy asked and she didn’t seem to be surprised like Sam was, but his voice sounded strange.  
  
Sam opened his mouth to answer, but there was no words coming through, because he didn’t really want to. He didn’t like the sound of his voice and the other boy put her hand on Sam’s shoulder and Sam quickly shook it off.  
  
“It’s okay if you speak, Sam. I actually kinda like it.” The other boy said and Sam could hear that she meant it.  
  
“’gly.” Sam said it again and it wasn’t a surprise this time because he had been prepared.  
  
The other boy twisted his feet a little, the dirt was also underneath it and Sam made a grimace, he really didn’t like dirt very much. A loud sound came through the boy before a stinky smell hit Sam’s nose and he made another grimace and covered his ears. The other boy farted very often and laughed afterwards. Sam didn’t think it was funny.  
  
“Sorry, bad gas.” The other boy said as Sam uncovered his ears because the smell didn’t disappear from doing that. “Yeah, they’re ugly. I probably need a new pair soon.”  
  
The smell disappeared and Sam nodded, the other boy really needed a new pair of shoes.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
Dad didn’t understand and Sam’s fife years old and he just wanted to tell him but the words never came out the way they should and Sam got frustrated and angry because his words never came out right and Sam knew that dad got angry because he wasn’t in the chair anymore, he was upstairs and angry and Sam started to cry.  
  
All he had wanted to do was fly to the moon like the man had done on the TV, walk around in the air and jump up and down and flying in the sky. Was it too much to ask for? He had seen the man do it, so why couldn’t he do the same? Sam couldn’t stop crying and he was still in the kitchen and wet on his cheeks when the other boy got home.  
  
“Sam? Why are you crying?” The other boy asked and Sam looked up at the ceiling and counted the dark spots there out loud.  
  
_Was he crying_? Yes he was. _But why_? Sam blinked a few times and clumsily whipped at his cheeks with the back of his hand, he really didn’t like the wet that came from his eyes when he was sad and he didn’t like to feel sad wither.  
  
The other boy repeated the question and Sam didn’t knew how to explain it so the boy would understand, she was smart, she often understood him but Sam wasn’t sure she would do it then because dad hadn’t. So instead of telling him, Sam started to count the dark spots of the wooden ceiling again.  
  
“Sam you’ve got to tell me.” The other boy said and Sam was sure she would be angry. “Otherwise I’ll have to ask dad.”  
  
Sam whipped at his eyes again. Stupid wet, stupid boy and stupid, stupid words for not being right. It was alright in his head, he just said it out wrong, and he couldn’t focus anymore on the dark spots on the ceiling and he started to rock himself a little harder, tried to calm himself a little more and he didn’t want the loud words to start again.  
  
There was a man on the television..  
  
“..on the moon.” Sam said, but he knew it came out wrong and hits his own head with the palm of his hand, again and again until the boy took his hand away.  
  
“The moon?”  
  
“Yeah.” Sam said and pulled his hand away, he didn’t like to be touched. “The moonwalk.”  
  
Sam started to laugh because he knew that was Michael Jackson’s dance and that wasn’t right, that wasn’t what he had meant to say and the other boy didn’t laugh but cleared his throat and Sam looked into her eyes for a second or so before he looked up at the ceiling again.  
  
“You want to do the moonwalk?” The other boy asked and Sam frowned.  
  
_Did he_? No, he didn’t want to. _But he wanted to walk on the moon_. Sam wanted to tell him but she wouldn’t understand because dad hadn’t and the words was all wrong and the other boy was going to be angry too. Sam didn’t like it when people got angry, they got so loud when they did and he clearly disliked loud noises.  
  
“Yes.” Sam shook his head and sighed loudly. “Fly there.”  
  
And he finally said it right and he smiled brightly at the other boy before he looked up again but the smile didn’t disappear and he finally said it right and there was no way the other boy would misunderstand him now. Then he jumped a little as the boy started to laugh.  
  
“Oh Sammy, we can’t afford to it. Not enough money.” The other boy said and Sam narrowed his eyes because he couldn’t figure out why the other boy was talking to Sammy and not to him.  
  
He didn’t like Sammy, not that he had ever seen him or anything, but he didn’t like Sammy’s name, he didn’t knew why really, but the name just made Sam angry. Sam was glad he had such a wonderful name. And they had afford, they had..  
  
“Money.” He said and sighed because that didn’t came out right. “EnouG’ money.”  
  
The other boy told him to go on and Sam didn’t want to go anywhere, all he wanted was to fly to the moon and they could because they had money and the other boy knew it too, so why was she telling Sam to go? Sam didn’t understand and he looked down instead of up and the floor was just as boring as..  
  
“Aah!!” He shouts and bent down, took up a penny and gave it to the other boy. “Money! Moon!”  
  
He got up from the chair, hurried to his room with shaky legs that didn’t want him to walk and returned to the kitchen with a hand full of money, put it on the table in front of the other boy and smiled, he had money and now they can fly up to the moon!  
  
“Sam. This ain’t enough. Dollars, like a million dollars isn’t even enough and you can’t even take the bus into town with these.” The other boy said and Sam didn’t understand.  
  
He wanted to fly to the moon like the man on the television had done. Why did he fly there if it needed money to do so? Maybe the man on the television had enough money and Sam hadn’t. Sam didn’t want to think about it anymore because it made him sad and then if he was sad he’d start to cry and he didn’t like the wet that was on his cheeks when was sad, so he didn’t want to be sad.  
  
But he was anyway.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
Another thing Sam didn’t like, was when his dad smelled weird and was talking about someone called Mom. Sam wasn’t aware of who that was, and he really didn’t want to knew either because dad’s voice was dry, the words sounded funny and he smelled weird and Sam just didn’t like it.  
  
And there was always a bottle of soda in dad’s hand when he was talking about Mom, a soda that De had told him was only for adults and De was usually right so Sam believed him. Dad was outside, he made the air smoky and the bottle of soda was on the living room table, De was in the kitchen and Sam was very thirsty.  
  
Sam lifted the bottle with clumsy hands, smelled it and made a face, it smelled like dad did when he smelled weird, but Sam was still thirsty and he took a swallow from the bottle, lost his grip of it as his throat burned like fire, worse than a touch and he started to cry.  
  
He was six years old and he had just been drinking dad’s soda that smelled weird and tasted even worse. Sam didn’t understand it. How could soda be so.. All of sudden, he was underwater and he could breath.  
  
There was no way he could breath underwater, but his lungs still took in air. And the room was louder than usual, the clock above the TV sounded awful lot and made the ticking sound in Sam’s head, and there was a shark beside him, big and dangerous and underwater with Sam - close.  
  
Sam had seen a shark before, on television and it looked just like that and the water was hot and cold at the same time and the shark had a face that looked exactly like daddy. The shark was screaming, Sam heard it clearly because it hurt his ears and wet ran down his jeans and _that_ wasn’t water.  
  
Someone took his hand and pulled him upstairs. Sam didn’t understand what happened, because he had been underwater and there had been a shark that had looked like dad and now De was pulling him upstairs. There was no kittens there because kittens couldn’t breath underwater. Neither could Sam but Sam could breath and De was talking and undressing him. Sam didn’t like it.  
  
He took a clumsy step backwards, lost his balance and fell to the floor, butt first and it hurt. He wasn’t underwater anymore. He was in a swing and it was going too fast. And the disgusting taste of vomit filled his mouth, Sam didn’t like it.  
  
De helped him up, sat him down in the bathtub and cleaned up the mess on the floor, Sam felt a little better. After a shower and a change of clothes, he was put to bed. De kissed his forehead and Sam didn’t turn away - _couldn’t_. He would never drink daddy’s soda again.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
“What’s wrong with you, you retarded fucker?!” A boy at the schoolyard yelled but Sam just walked past him, wasn’t sure if the boy yelled to him or not because the boy hadn’t said his name.  
  
Sam was eight years old and he had just started first grade, the other kids were one year younger than him because he hadn’t started school until now and from what he had learned, school wasn’t something great even if the classes were fun, Sam really liked math.  
  
But the breaks in between classes weren’t as fun and the kids wasn’t nice, they were loud and they touched too much and Sam didn’t like it. He liked when it was quiet, still and easy, he wanted it to be that way all the time but the older kids didn’t and Sam didn’t like it. He liked planets, the universe, the earth, he liked it because it was fascinating, but most of all, he liked books.  
  
Thick books of complicated words only he understood in his class and Shakespeare were one of the best writers in the world according to Sam. Sam was eight years old and it was just a year ago he learned that boys were called he and girls she, he didn’t understand why however, because they looked the same.  
  
Women and Men were different, they didn’t look the same. Women had a big chest with two humps and Sam knew that because the other boy at home - De - had shown him in a newspaper of a different name Sam didn’t remember. Women was weird and Sam didn’t like them, they smelled weird and were either laughing or crying too much, they were simply too loud and Sam didn’t like loud noises.  
  
Men on the other hand had a penis, Sam wasn’t sure if women had one too, or if it were just men who had them. But how would women look without a penis? No, even them had to have one, Sam figured, because it couldn’t just be nothing for them down there! How else would they be able to pee?  
  
“Are you mute or something? Deaf maybe?” The older boy from before asked and Sam eyed his shoes, they were very dirty and Sam didn’t like them very much. “Hello?” The older boy snapped his fingers in front of Sam’s face and laughed when Sam jumped a little in fright.  
  
He didn’t like it and looked elsewhere, tried to ignore the older boy and the words he didn’t understand and the older boy talked some more and laughed and Sam started to count the stones on the ground out loud and felt himself calm down a little.  
  
He finally found himself relaxed and that lasted for around half a second, ‘til he felt the hand on his shoulder and it wasn’t the other boy at home, no, it was the older boy and before Sam even had time to understand what happened, he was on the ground on top of the stones and Sam didn’t like it.  
  
There was only one loud voice screaming words Sam couldn’t really hear, he understood them but ignored them and it only made him the more confused. His hands were still broken, it hurt and thick red water dripped down on the ground from them and the voice was high and Sam didn’t like it.  
  
He wanted to be in class, read about planets and maybe he could go now? But the voice was too high and Sam was scared and he covered his ears with the hurting hands and squeezed his eyes shut, hopefully they wouldn’t see him when he couldn’t see them. Wet ran down his cheeks too.  
  
After exactly 94 seconds - Sam counted them - a soft hand landed on his shoulder, but Sam didn’t look up, he was scared of what he might see and maybe - hopefully - he’d disappear from the world if he kept his eyes closed, but the hand didn’t disappear and Sam didn’t like it and the wet from his eyes didn’t stop and his hands still hurt.  
  
“Sam, you okay?” A friendly voice asked and Sam knew it was a question, it was said that way, Sam opened his eyes, uncovered his ears and looked down at his hands and whined.  
  
_Was he_? No, he wasn’t. His hands hurt and he opened his mouth to say so but closed it again, unsure if he wanted to talk because he didn’t want people to be angry again and he clearly didn’t want loud voices, he really disliked that but..  
  
“Red water.” The words was slurred and Sam hiccupped and sniffled as he looked down at his red hands and disliked the color of the water because he believed the red was the reason it hurt so badly.  
  
He really disliked red.  
  
The hand on his shoulder was around his wrist then, bent the palm upward to face the sky and Sam looked up too and when he passed the face of the friendly voice, he recognized her as his math teacher and Sam liked her. He didn’t like women, but he liked her because she was different and she clearly didn’t have any big boobs as De called the chest of women and it made Sam smile a little, because he didn’t like big chests but he liked De.  
  
“This is blood, Sam.” The friendly woman said and Sam narrowed his eyes as he looked down at his hands again and he didn’t understand. “It can hurt a lot but it’s not dangerous when you hurt yourself like this. I’ll clean it, okay?”  
  
Sam looked blankly at the clouds in the sky, they were white and the sun was bright yellow on the sky but the air wasn’t warm and he was freezing but dad didn’t have afford to buy him a new jacket and Sam didn’t like it very much but he can’t just take a jacket from the store without paying for it - De had told him so.  
  
Sam got up from the ground and walked in silence behind the teacher, got through the doors to the school and went through the hallway ’til they got into her own office that wasn’t big. The nice math woman teacher took a wet cloth, the walls were white and Sam’s hands hurt when the teacher cleaned them and Sam screamed because he didn’t like when it hurt but after awhile, she took the wet cloth away, Sam stopped screaming and the red water - blood - had disappeared.  
  
It still hurt but the blood was gone.  
  
“Can you sit here while I call your daddy?” The friendly woman asked and Sam nodded.  
  
Of course he could, but he could also walk around, move and jump and rock, there was many things Sam could do and Sam liked that. When the door closed and he was alone in the small office, Sam got up from the chair and walked slowly to the window and looked outside.  
  
The kids on the schoolyard looked happy but Sam wasn’t interested, he liked the birds in the sky and that was what he looked at. The birds fly so beautifully with their wings and Sam wished he could fly like them, he wanted to have wings too and maybe he would be able to fly to the moon then.  
  
No, they didn’t have enough money, De had told him so and Sam shook his head, he decided that one day, he’d be on the moon, walking around in the air and flying like the birds did in the sky - with wings.  
  
Sam wasn't sure how he'd be able to grew wings but he was going to look for it at the library, dad had told Sam that he could find every information he might want and need there. Dad was stupid, Sam figured, but Sam also wanted to believe him.  
  
He was going to fly in the sky with the birds one day, because dad had said every book was in the library and Sam would find the right book there and hopefully De wanted to go with him. But De didn’t like to fly, De didn’t like anything, but he liked Sam and Sam was sure of that.  
  
“Well, your dad will be here in a few.” The teacher said as she entered the door and Sam ignored her.  
  
That meant he was probably - hopefully - going to be able to skip gym class and that didn’t bother him at all because he didn’t like to run since his body didn’t really like it and it always hurt and the kids around him there was always laughing too much, touching too much and Sam just didn’t like it and hopefully dad would take him home before the class started.  
  
But Sam didn’t want to move again, Sam had learned that the road was endless and there was just so many towns and cities over the country and the Winchester family had lived in almost everyone of them and Sam didn’t like it, he wanted to be in one and only place and he didn’t understand why dad had to move all the time.  
  
Stress and angst slowly creeps up Sam’s body as he thinks about it, there was always too much and he so didn’t like it, too much loud noises, too much red water, too many different voices, too much touching, too many towns and cities and too much people and eyes he didn’t understand.  
  
“I asked you to sit down.” The teacher said, her voice sounded so much closer by then and Sam blinked as he looked at the birds again and their beautiful wings that allowed them to fly like planets in the sky.  
  
“Yes.” He answered her and started to rock a little, he didn’t like the voice she used at the moment and she was angry, he knew she was. “Asked me.”  
  
“So why didn’t you do what I asked you to?”  
  
Sam narrowed his eyes a little as the birds took a seat on the top of the roof of the building across the street and he didn’t like it because he wouldn’t be able to see their beautiful wings. But soon after, when he looked down, he found another matter and started to count the kids on the ground below him. They were at least thirty down there and he wondered why they played with the things down there.  
  
Sam really liked birds, math, classes in school, planets, the universe, the sky, the moon and animals. And oh, he also liked De. He disliked food, loud noises, new towns and cities, buying new clothes and shoes and red water.  
  
Everything else beside these things were just a blur of confusion, things he didn’t understand. Take eyes for an example, they hold so many emotions, so many expressions and Sam didn’t understand what to look for and what he saw there, so instead of looking inside the eyes of the person he was talking to, he simply looked elsewhere.  
  
A few minutes later, Sam was sitting on the floor, with a book in his lap, facing the wall like he always did when he wanted to be alone and rocked himself to and fro, and when he was done with the first three chapters of the heavy book, dad walked through the door.  
  
Sam couldn’t see it was him, because he was reading, but he knew it was dad because the sound of his shoes hitting the floor way too loudly was something he heard every day and Sam tensed up on cue because dad’s voice asked him if he could head down to De and the waiting ‘pala.  
  
Sam nodded, but didn’t move. Of course he could go down to the car, but he was reading. Sam could do many things, but he was in the middle of something else and didn’t want to give it up just to prove to dad that he could do it because dad should knew already and Sam huffed in annoyance. Sometimes dad was so stupid.  
  
Why did people keep asking him stupid questions when they knew the answer already. It was annoying.  
  
“Did you hear what I said kid? I told you to go down to the car, Dean’s already down there.” Dad said even louder than and Sam looked up for the first time and frowned at dad’s chest.  
  
Dad hadn’t told him before, he had asked. That was different. Sam knew it was different. But he got up anyway, it took him at least 45 seconds to get up and another 45 for him to leave the room. There was so many things to look at, listen to and try to understand. There was also many things that covered the inside of his head and he had to stop walking to think it through.  
  
It took him 39 seconds to get out of the building and another 10 to get across the schoolyard, then he stood by the side of the car, staring down at the beautiful black of the hood and he liked it. Sam heard how the car door opened and with a loud noise, it closed again. Shoes appear on the ground by the hood - De’s shoes.  
  
“I heard you fucked up again, twat.” De said and Sam narrowed his eyes at the voice he used.  
  
He sounded angry and De never was, not with him. He always angers together with dad, but never with him and Sam wanted to scream in frustration but instead he just started to rock himself a little harder because it made him somewhat calmer and the shoes he was looking at was dirty and Sam wanted to do so many things but he’d never be able to and he knew it.  
  
“Don’t you get that we’ll have to move again?!” And Sam was back in present and he didn’t understand why Dean was so angry.  
  
“Yes.” Sam answered but he knew it was the wrong answer because it both sounded and felt wrong but he didn’t correct himself, instead he pressed a hand to the side of his head, it hurt but he didn’t stop. “Yes, yes, yes.”  
  
He really disliked to move, he didn’t want to, he wanted to stay there and it hurt, everything hurt and he wanted to tell De but the words didn’t come and Sam was frustrated, angry and sad. He didn’t want to be sad, he disliked it, and the wet that formed in his eyes was really annoying and he didn’t want them to wet his face but it always did, and that time was no different and Sam pressed the hand harder to his head and it hurt really bad, but he didn’t stop.  
  
“Sam!” Dad’s voice entered his pained world by then and Sam started to beat his open hand against his head for around a minute before strong hands settled on his wrist and forced him to stop. “Stop doing that, damn it!”  
  
Sam wasn’t stupid, he simply lifted up his other hand and started all over again, clicking sound was heard somewhere in his ears and Sam really didn’t like that sound but he didn’t stop - couldn’t - he wanted to, really badly and he wanted to tell dad and De he was sorry.  
  
 And yet he had no idea what he had done wrong.  
  
He was so sad he wanted to fly away and dad gripped his other wrist too, and Sam was powerless and frustrated and sad and he disliked it, really badly. All he wanted to do was to not move again, for dad to understand and for De to stop being angry.  
  
“Listen to me!” Dad screamed and Sam started to rock, the hands around his wrists were strong and it hurt and burned and Sam was scared of the voice because dad almost never screamed to him - at De - but never Sam.  
  
“Yes.” He whispered and didn’t knew if he did wrong thing to voice the answer out loud because he wasn’t sure if it was his time to talk.  
  
“I want you to stop this, right now.” Dad sounded calmer and not as angry but there was something else there and Sam couldn’t figure out what. “And I want you to talk more so the kids won’t tease you or hurt you. Understand?”  
  
Sam nodded but he really didn’t understand what dad meant, he was way too upset to really pay attention and listen and that was the day when Sam stopped talking for three years in a row, not a single word was let out of his mouth in a waking state and even if dad begged him to talk, pleaded with him to say something, ordered him to spit his words out and even cried like a baby for Sam to just talk again.  
  
Sam didn’t.


	2. Chapter 2

Sam lost count as to how many weeks and towns they passed and dad hadn’t noticed him not speaking yet, but Sam knew dad realized the change when they had been at the coolest shop ever and the woman with green hair. Sam liked her a lot, but he didn’t like dad.  
  
If dad had been a mom instead, it would’ve been great because De said that moms were nice and they loved their children. Dad did too, De said, but Sam wasn’t too sure about that. And if dad did, he didn’t show it so good. Sam didn’t really knew what love was, but he figured it had to feel like he felt for De and what De felt for him.  
  
Something close to it anyway.  
  
The reason why Sam knew the exact day was simple, De woke him up late at night - something he rarely ever did - and helped him get dressed and dad drove the ‘pala while Sam and De slept together in the backseat. Both of them were careful not to touch, De understood him so good.  
  
When Sam awoke again, it was just about to become morning and he usually didn’t wake that early when it was a weekend day, but he could feel that something wasn’t right and he was sadly proved right when he felt De pressed up against/around/over him and Sam freaked the hell out.  
  
De was still fast asleep, Sam figured, otherwise De wouldn’t do that. Sam pushed at him and when De didn’t open his eyes or move, Sam silently started to cry. Dad was still at the wheel and Sam wanted to tell him but dad wouldn’t understand and it was better if Sam just kept quiet.  
  
To his luck however, dad looked in the review mirror just as Sam looked up with teary eyes and then dad barked out an order for De to get back on his own damn side. De’s body stirred and he almost flew himself off the backseat to the floor when he realized where he was.  
  
Sam figured that because De was wide eyed and his breath sounded kinda funny and he wasn’t against/around/over him anymore and Sam felt a little cold and had no idea what that meant. Dad told them they were soon there and there was at Jim’s. Sam knew that because De told him so.  
  
Jim was awesome.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
Jim talked to a dude that was in the sky that was called a heaven and his name was God something, Sam wasn’t sure which last name God went by, but he couldn’t be a Winchester anyway, because Jim had told Sam that God was a great man up above all humans and Sam had heard dad say the Winchester’s were just a pack of dirt aside of the road. Sam didn’t like dirt.  
  
Sam didn’t understand it really, because the God dude never made his voice heard, almost like Sam, and how could Jim talk to God when God didn’t talk back? De talked to Sam even if Sam didn’t talk back. Maybe that was how they did it, through nods and shakes of heads and frowns and glares.  
  
Jim worked with God and the people in the church. Jim was called Pastor Jim in church. Sam liked it there. Dad had told him they’d stay at Jim’s house forever, but dad always went away anyway, it was unfair and Sam didn’t like it. Dad had promised but he never kept it.  
  
De and Sam stayed at Jim’s, but dad was almost never there. Sam didn’t like to move around a lot, but he didn’t like not being around dad either. Dad was stupid. So stupid. Jim had said God was good. Maybe one day Sam would be able to meet God, the day when he learned how to fly.  
  
“Sam, we’re late.” De said as he walked in through the door to their room and Sam looked up at De’s chest and nodded.  
  
He didn’t like to be late. De helped him up from the floor, helped him dress and they got ready to start the day. They both only got an apple and De promised Sam they’d meet for lunch at school, Sam really liked the idea of that. The next day he’d be nine and Sam wondered if dad was gonna be able to get home before that.  
  
De started the motorbike with the loud noise than rang in Sam’s ears but it was a noise he liked however, it almost sounded like the ‘pala and Sam liked the ‘pala very much and he missed dad. Stupid, stupid dad for not coming home.  
  
The day had been great even if he had been late to the first class and Sam also got a warning from the teacher that the next time he was too late to class, he’d be in detention after school for two hours. Sam had never had detention before but De had and De had said it wasn’t something good and Sam believed him.  
  
The next day he awoke pretty early by De, dad and Jim who all sang to him beside the bed and Sam slapped his hands over his ears, it sounded awfully awful, they all laughed and stopped singing and Sam uncovered his ears and sat up, cross-legged on the bed and he looked at the wrapped box De had in his hand. A gift.  
  
The wrap paper was pink and Sam made a grimace because he really didn’t like pink but red was worse and Sam figured it was okay with pink on the wrap paper anyway and smiled as De gave it to him and it was heavy and big and..  
  
It was a book. With no words.  
  
Sam frowned and looked up quickly to look at De who was the only one in the room by then and Sam wondered where dad and Jim was at and he wondered if dad was back going away again, but De was smiling and talking and Sam blinked and refocused on him and the book in his lap. Right, a book. With no words.  
  
“You ignored me again, didn’t you?” De asked and Sam nodded, De laughed and sat down beside him on the bed. “This book will make it easier for us to talk.”  
  
 _Talk_? But Sam didn’t talk anymore. De knew that too. De was smart, he understood Sam and De knew Sam didn’t talk now. The book had no words. It was empty. Worthless. Sam sighed and looked down at it where it rested heavily on his lap. Talk. Through the book.  
  
Wait, he knew how to do that. He used to write in school and he could talk to Dean by writing. If he wrote in the book, then it wouldn’t be empty anymore and be filled with words. Sam smiled and opened it again and the first page did have words already, written in black - like the ‘pala.  
  
‘ _ **This book belongs to my awesome brother Sam**_.’ And there was also a number Sam figured was Jim’s phone-number and the address to where they lived.  
  
De was smart. Not as smart as Jim maybe, but smarter than dad anyway. And there was also a pen in the air in front of Sam’s face and Sam realized the pen wasn’t hovering there but De held it up for him. Good. He didn’t like it when things hovered around. He had seen it on a movie and he didn’t like it.  
  
‘ _Sam likes the cover of the book, it’s like the ‘pala’s backseat and it’s really soft and the book is black like the ‘pala. Sam really likes the ‘pala. Today Sam turns 9 year old. Soon Sam be as old as De. His name isn’t De, but Dean is too hard to say for Sam. But Sam can write it. Hi Dean_.’  
  
Sam looked down at the words for awhile and smiled a little, then he handed it over to De so he’d be able to read it and De carefully took the book without touching him and Sam liked that. De was always so careful and the air started to smell weird and Sam realized dad was cooking again.  
  
Not good.  
  
“Hi Sam.” Dean said and his voice sounded funny and Sam looked up at his face but quickly lowered his eyes again and nodded. “You want to know a secret?”  
  
Stupid question but Sam nodded anyway and Dean smiled and pointed through the window and Sam straightened up a little so he’d be able to look out as well and the ‘pala was right there outside the window, black and beautiful and she was very dirty too.  
  
“Dean likes the ‘pala too.”  
  
Sam looked at De as he said it like that, because De never said his name when he talked about himself, he used the ‘me, I and mine’ thing and Sam really liked to hear De say his own name like that, because it was.. De got up from the bed, cleared his throat a little and did something with his leg before he straightened up and smiled.  
  
“Time for breakfast.” De said and Sam nodded. “Happy birthday, Sammy.”  
  
Typical, Sam thought as he shook his head, every time De got weird one way or the other, he always called him Sammy and Sam didn’t like it.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
Dad was crying again and he was drinking adult soda again too and Sam knew not to drink it, because then he’d be underwater again and he didn’t want that. But this time, dad didn’t talk about mom, he talked about hunting and a dude called Demon (it sounded manly) and Sam didn’t get it.  
  
Not ‘til he found the journal anyway. Then he realized the demon wasn’t a name but a creature of the devil and it was real. Dad had a journal that looked just like the diary Sam got from Dean, dad’s journal was just.. older and had bad words in it.  
  
Sam had been in dad’s bedroom to get him a blanket because dad had fallen asleep on the couch again and Sam didn’t want him to be cold. Dad always put a blanket over him when he slept in the ‘pala and Sam really wanted to help dad too.  
  
The blanket however didn’t want him to touch it, because it struggled and got stuck beneath the mattress and Sam had to lift it so as to be able to take the blanket from there and that was when he saw the book. At first, Sam thought it was his diary but it was the wrong color but by the time he realized that, it was already too late.  
  
Demon, shape shifter, ghost, evil clowns, vampires and werewolves.  
  
Shape shifters could turn into a human - dog, cat, moos, everything - and change their body as required and they killed the true body of their latest victim. Not very nice. Ghosts could kill people and drive them insane, De had always said that ghost weren’t real, but dad had wrote about them and Sam knew by the handwriting that it was true.  
  
Evil clowns that never disappeared, brought the person slowly but surely downwards ‘til he/she killed himself, dad had hunted a evil clown somewhere in Ohio and sent it back to hell through a fire. Vampires lived on human blood - the red water - and Sam grimaced, it was disgusting. Werewolves were big creatures that looked like disabled dogs, dad had written that and Sam didn’t understand it.  
  
And the demon..  
  
“Sam?” Dad’s voice was loud in the quiet room and Sam peed himself.  
  
The demon that had killed Mary. Their mom. De and Sam’s mom. A demon and.. The book was out of his hands and dad slapped the back of his head with his open palm and then the loud voices started again and Sam covered his ears with his hands. The demon.  
  
Without being aware of how it happened, he was in the bathroom and Jim helped him to undress, the first time the Pastor had ever helped him with that and there had been a demon in the book and dad and De was angry with each other now and Jim quietly helped him sit down in the bathtub.  
  
Sam looked up at him, Jim looked at him too but Sam didn’t understand the expression on his face and looked elsewhere and sighed. Jim started the shower and Sam shrunk himself as much as he was able to, forehead pressed to knees because he really disliked..  
  
Jim did exactly the same as dad and De used to do, started at his feet and slowly upwards and Sam bit down in his lower lip, looked up at the ceiling and closed his eyes. He knew what to do. The demon had killed mom and..  
  
“Sam, what your dad did in there was not okay and he won’t do it again.” Jim said, his voice sounded sad and Sam didn’t understand.  
  
Then he remembered. The slap. Right. That had never happened before - ever. But Sam had been too focused on the demon in dad’s book to really care about it at the moment and right there, he was too confused to understand why dad had done it in the first place.  
  
When Sam was showered and dressed in his night-shirt, he was put to bed and the Pastor promised Sam a visit to the church the next day. Sam liked the thought of that and smiled before he closed his eyes. But he couldn’t sleep. By the time Dean came through the door to their room, Sam blinked his eyes open.  
  
“I’m so sorry, Sammeh.” Dean said and sat up a little on his elbows and narrowed his eyes.  
  
Dean only said Sammy like that when he was upset and the next second, Dean was by his bed and Sam looked up at him in confusion - why was Dean sad? And why had he apologized? It wasn’t his fault that mom had been killed by the demon.  
  
Sam moved over in the too small bed and Dean looked at him like he didn’t believe him at first, Sam didn’t either but nodded anyway. He had never done this willingly and he had never wanted it, but Dean had to be as confused as Sam right now.  
  
And Sam realized that sleeping in the same bed could be done without touching, Dean probably thought so too because he was slowly sinking himself down to the mattress and was careful not to touch him. Sam liked that.  
  
The next morning when he awoke, Dean was in his own bed and there was a wet spot in the bed. Sam felt his own penis but he hadn’t peed himself throughout the night. Dean made a sound and the blanket was moving and Sam looked at him but Dean didn’t even realize he was awake.  
  
When Dean stopped moving the blanket, he looked over at Sam and his eyes widened in the morning darkness and then he looked away and Sam frowned. What exactly had he done to the blanket and why was there a wet spot in Sam’s bed?  
  
“I told you.." Sam narrowed his eyes a little, Dean sighed. "You’ll get it when you‘re as old as me.” Dean said and Sam huffed in annoyance, he really wondered what had happened but he didn’t ask.  
  
Dad told Sam he was sorry that day and he also told him about the Supernatural creatures and about the demon that had killed mom. Dad didn’t say much but Sam understood, he had read it in the book and they never talked about it again.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
“Sam, it’s bedtime.” Dean said and Sam looked at the clock and frowned.  
  
It wasn’t time for bed yet, not for another hour.  
  
“It’s a big day tomorrow and I thought we could go swimming after school. If you want that, you’ve to go to bed now.” Dean said and Sam shook his head.  
  
He wanted to swim, but he didn’t want to sleep yet, he wasn’t even tired. Or maybe he was, a little, but Sam didn’t want to, he wanted to be up when dad got home because Sam had heard Jim talk to dad over the phone and it had such a long time and..  
  
“It’s bedtime.” Jim said too as he entered the room and Sam shook his head again and grabbed his diary, wrote a big no in red and handed the book to Dean.  
  
“Seriously, Sam.” Dean sounded desperate, Sam could hear that and he thought of it, sighed deeply and nodded.  
  
Sure, if it was that important, he’d go to bed. Sure. Dean walked with him upstairs and helped him to undress and change to the night-shirt, when he was put to bed and Dean had said goodnight and closed the door, Sam waited around twenty minutes, sighed and got up again. He wasn’t tired and dad was coming home.  
  
Just as he got to the door to his room, he heard the ‘pala and smiled, opened the door and walked downstairs, he wanted to see dad, make sure he was okay because dad had been on a hunt and.. Dad was in the hall by the time Sam got there and he was bending over slightly. Sam frowned, because he had never seen dad like that before.  
  
Sam took a deep breath and took a step back, dad was bleeding and it was much and bleeding that much had to hurt and it had to be dangerous. Sam had waited for so long to see dad again and now dad was hurt and Sam didn’t want dad to be hurt and then dad screamed for Jim and Dean.  
  
The blood was on dad’s face, on his big hands, underneath the hand and it was making the white T-shirt red, then Dean was there, took a severe hold of him and Sam struggled free and backed away. Dad was bleeding, dad was hurt. Why didn’t anyone help him? Where was Jim?  
  
“Sam, you need to calm the hell down.” Dean wasn’t calm but he told Sam to be calm and Sam just couldn’t be calm.  
  
Sam raised his hand to his forehead but before he could hit himself, Dean took a tight grip of his wrists and Sam struggled himself free, backed even further away and screamed in panic and fear. Why weren’t they helping dad? Damn it! Sam found the wall behind him, pressed up to his back and he started to beat his head against it, again and again.  
  
He didn’t see anything anymore, pain and fear and confusion and anger made his vision blurry and all he wanted to do was scream for help, for someone to help dad who was bleeding and dad might leave Sam tonight and go to heaven and Sam really didn’t want that and he started to cry as he banged his head against the wall behind him again.  
  
And again.  
  
The world turned black in front of him and the next time he awoke, he was in the hospital with a bandage around him head, Dean was by his bedside and Sam looked at him for a long time before he signed for a pen. When he got it and the book that went with him wherever he went, Sam wrote the worlds so quickly it made him dizzy.  
  
‘ _Where’s daddy? Daddy’s not in heaven, is he? Please De, where is daddy?_ ’  
  
“Don’t worry Sammy, he’s awake and fine in the next room. He had to undergo surgery but the doctors were good and he’s fine now.” Dean said and Sam didn’t believe him.  
  
He wanted to see daddy. And he got to see him half an hour later and daddy was fine, just like Dean had said. Sam never wanted dad to hurt like that again.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
The hospital - again - but this time he wasn’t there because he had hit his head, he was there to talk to a woman. Sam didn’t like her but sat down anyway in her office that looked too bright with way too many colors. Sam liked colors alright, but the whole room looked like a damn rainbow. It was just.. too much.  
  
“He can talk?” The woman asked and Sam frowned, why did she ask dad when Sam was fully capable to answer that by a nod.  
  
Sam could talk, he knew he could, he had done it before, he just chose not to. It was easier that way somehow. Dad was quiet for a few seconds, then he cleared his throat and it sounded so disgusting that Sam just had to made a face and the woman looked at him and smiled before she refocused her eyes on dad.  
  
“Why don’t you ask him? He can answer questions even if he’s not voicing them anymore.”  
  
The woman - Nina, dad had said - smiled brightly and Sam didn’t really understand what that smile was about and ignored her instead, it was way easier that way. Then, she really started to ask questions and Sam didn’t like it but answered them as good as he could.  
  
“Do you like math, Sam?” She asked and Sam nodded and looked at his hands in his lap and bit down in his lower lip.  
  
He really enjoyed math, playing cards with Dean and watching him lose and get pissed was always fun. Pissed could mean two things, Sam had learned. Angry/pissed and pee/piss. Dean said piss, Sam thought it sounded disgusting, he didn’t like it. Dean said dick, Sam said penis. Dean was older than Sam, Dean was soon to be fourteen.  
  
“Do you like school?” He nodded again, then shook his head and then he just shrugged his shoulders. “Okay, wait. Classes, you like them?” Sam nodded.  
  
He liked school but he didn’t like his classmates. Most of the teachers were okay, not all of them of course, but almost. Food on the other hand at school were just.. No. Dean always picked him up at lunch so they could eat elsewhere. Dean didn’t like the school food either.  
  
“Do you have a brother?” Nina asked and Sam nodded and smiled. “Is he nice?” Sam made eye contact with her and raised one of his eyebrows like Dean had taught him and she laughed and nodded, she understood.  
  
“You’ve got an awful lot of facial expressions, Sam.” She said, Sam knew it wasn’t a question, because there was no question mark at the last sentence, but he just nodded, Dean had taught him.  
  
That was the first time he meet her and he’d be meeting her for as long as he wanted to, even up around his younger twenties. Nina and Robert. Woman and man. Men was better, Sam thought the second time he meet her because she was sitting beside Robert and Robert was tall and he often told Sam to make eye contact with him.  
  
Sam did. But he didn’t like it.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
Dean was being really strange all the sudden and Sam really didn’t like it, his big brother was fifteen years old and all jumpy and stuttering and Sam thought it was really annoying. And Dean was never at home, never picked him up as usual for lunch outside school and Sam just didn’t like it, at all.  
  
He had started the football team and had left Sam all behind, like he had forgotten him or something and that really hurt. Not that he was bleeding or anything, but it still hurt in his chest that Dean could just leave him like that. Sam wondered if he had done something wrong again.  
  
Dean had understood him perfectly before he joined the football team and that was why Sam had started to communicate with just him through the book, because no matter how wrong the words might turn out, Dean always understood him. Or he did. Before.  
  
That day was the day before the match, the football team match Sam didn’t want to go to because it was many people there and Sam didn’t like too much people. And the field was big and there might be a chance Sam didn’t see Dean and if he didn’t see Dean, then Dean would leave him. Sam knew it and it made him sad.  
  
They were about to have lunch and the last strew to the stack came when Dean grabbed onto him as Sam sat down and Sam struggled himself free and watched as Dean’s smile grew even bigger, and Sam really didn’t like the look on him right there.  
  
“You’r’r’re going toto the match tomomrrow to cheer me onn, right Samm?” And Sam grew angry.  
  
If Dean was going to leave him, then Sam had no life because dad was stupid. Dad cared but not as much as Dean. Dean was his world and the words that came from Dean’s mouth was so annoyingly annoying and Sam lost all his strength and hit his head to the table - one, two - Dean was gonna leave him - one more time.  
  
Sam could see that dad was about to grab onto him and so as to stop it, he clawed his own arm twice and it started to bleed. The blood, the energy, the anger, fear, and the whole lot of difference in Dean got Sam to get up from the chair, two steps and he was at the wall and banged his forehead against it. One time. Hard.  
  
Dad tried to grab at his hands, tight grips of them always hurt but Sam didn’t care, at the moment he didn’t care about anything but to get Dean to stop and for him to just stay and not leave. _Dean couldn’t leave him, please say he wouldn’t leave_. Sam wanted to plead with him, but didn’t find his voice.  
  
He got free from dad’s grip and took the chance to hit himself roughly in the chest. It hurt so badly - but not as badly as Dean leaving - and Sam doubled over and hit himself again, at the same spot and the hurt turned into real pain and he screamed loudly.  
  
But instead of stopping, instead of resist the pain to become stronger, Sam hit himself again and again and it hurt and it made him sick to his stomach but Dean was about to leave and Sam didn’t like that, didn’t want that. _Please De, don’t leave_.  
  
After much fighting and struggling, Sam gave up and allowed dad for a brief second to pin his hands above his head, it hurt to breath, it hurt to stand, it hurt to keep his arms so high and nothing hurt more than Dean leaving. Why was Dean leaving him? Dean couldn’t leave. Sam started to cry.  
  
Sam took a breath and was about to start struggling to get himself free again but dad was quicker and before he knew what really happened, he was facing the wall and his arms were.. Oh no, not the scarf again. Sam bent his head and sniffled, he really hated the scarf. He didn’t dislike it. He hated it.  
  
When Sam realized he was tied up and couldn’t move, he started to cry again, but quietly this time. Sam was being turned around and dad tried to whip his tears away but Sam didn’t want him to, nothing could stop the pain of Dean leaving, so he turned his face away from dad’s touch and squeezed his eyes shut.  
  
If he didn’t see them, they didn’t see him. Sam knew it wasn’t true anymore, he knew that they saw him perfectly, but he could at least try. The moon appeared in front of his closed eyelids and Sam sobbed quietly, he really wanted to go there now.  
  
As he thought of the moon so highly, he didn’t realize he was moving until he was in the backseat of the ‘pala. The ‘pala wouldn’t ever leave him at least and Sam smothered a hand on the black backseat and whipped at his tears with the other hand. The ‘pala wouldn’t leave him like Dean would.  
  
Ten minutes in the car and the fear and sadness left his body as pain hit him roughly in the chest, Sam made a face and kept it like that as he breathed through his nose like dad had thought him to do. Dad was smart. But not as smart as Dean or Jim. Jim was gonna stay too just like the ‘pala. His chest hurt really badly and Sam didn’t like it.  
  
Dad helped him out but Sam went to Dean instead and as his hands was freed on a promise he wouldn’t become angry again, Sam sniffled because it hurt his chest to free his arms, he almost couldn’t breath like underwater and Sam soon found himself in a wheel-chair.  
  
The doctor made a X-ray of his chest, a rib was broken. Sam didn’t understand, but he knew it hurt a lot and he didn’t like it. He got pills too and they were funny because he danced on the moon with pink elephants and they were beautiful.  
  
Even if they were pink.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
Sam had written angry words of Dean leaving and now Dean was reading it in silence. Dean’s team had won the game and the team had been celebrating, Sam wasn’t allowed to go and Dean had promised they’d celebrate on their own when he got home.  
  
They hadn’t.  
  
Even more proof to the fact that yeah, Dean was going and Sam would be all alone. God would always bee there, but the dude was just as quiet as Sam and how would they be able to communicate like Dean and Sam? It wasn’t even possible. Jim was.. not stupid maybe.. But not so smart either.  
  
“Sam.” Dean said as he sat down in the chair in front of him in the kitchen and Sam didn’t like it because Dean’s eyes looked wet, he was sad, he was gonna leave that night and this was goodbye.  
  
Sam started to cry too.  
  
“I wouldn’t ever leave you, buddy.” Dean said and Sam looked up through tears and made quick eye contact before he lowered his eyes again with a sob.  
  
Dean had promised they would celebrate too. Dean had promised many things, but he hadn’t kept it, didn’t keep any promise at all and Sam wanted to scream but rocked to calm down instead, he didn’t want Dean to leave, but he didn’t want Dean to be angry either when he did.  
  
Before Sam had time to even react to Dean’s quick movements, he found himself face to face with his brother and for the first time, Sam liked it. Sam wanted to hold onto him, to touch him, to make him never go away. But he didn’t. Instead he looked at Dean’s lips. Dean’s lips were red. But not in a bad way red. In a good way.  
  
Dean’s nose were small, cheeks chubby and his eyes were green and teary and they stood face to face for a very long time, without touching, without feeling, without talking, just looking. Then Dean bent a little forward, Sam shrugged back a little because he didn’t want to touch. Not yet.  
  
“I wouldn’t ever leave you, Sam.” Dean said and Sam believed him and smiled.  
  
Dean wasn’t going to leave. And Dean’s lips were red but not in a bad way. Just, Dean wasn’t going to leave and Sam smiled. Dean was gonna stay with Sam.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
Sam was eleven years old - a big boy - and he really had stopped wetting the bed during nights at the age of six and yet Sam awoke that morning to a wet bed and when he put his hand on his boxer briefs, his eyes widened in shock and terror as Sam discovered that they were wet too.  
  
He started to cry silently, as he hit his fist against his thigh, again and again, probably making a new bruise on top of the other one there, the one that had just been about to fade yesterday. Sam was scared and sad and he was a big boy, he shouldn’t be wetting the bed, but he had. And dad was gonna be angry if he found out.  
  
Sam didn’t understand why he hadn’t awoken up which he usually did every night when he had the urge to pee and this so wasn’t alright and Sam didn’t knew what to do because Dean would be home and see the wet bed and be angry with Sam just like dad was going to get.  
  
Not even when he had discovered dad’s journal about the monsters had he been as scared and his heart was beating so fast that it almost hurt. Dad was gonna be so angry. Sam was a big boy and he shouldn’t be wetting the bed.  
  
And he was freaking the hell out and was up and off the bed in just a second on legs that didn’t want to carry him correctly, and ran out of the bedroom. He screamed in panic, because he didn’t knew what else to do. Hopefully Jim was gonna help him because Jim was a Pastor and Pastors didn’t get angry very often.  
  
Dean was at a friend’s house and dad was on a hunt, dad always was on a hunt. Stupid dad. Stupid Dean’s friend’s house. Stupid pee. Stupid, stupid Sam for peeing the bed. Sam was still hitting himself, his thigh was probably black by then but he wasn’t in pain, nothing could break him through the fear and shame he was in at the moment, not even when he felt strong hands grip at his wrists and push him back first to the wall.  
  
“Sam! Fuckin’ cut it out!” The voice of his dad surrounded him by then and Sam blinked a few times and pulled in a deep breath and relaxed against the grip.  
  
He started to rock himself and when Sam realized he was too exhausted to fight against dad’s grip of him, Sam’s sobs turned loud, he didn’t like it, the sobs that were too loud and it took exactly 92 seconds for the hands around his wrists to loose up and dropped them and after 34 seconds, one of the hands resettled on his right cheek instead.  
  
Dad was stroking the tears away and Sam turned his head away from his touch, he really didn’t want to be touched and he really didn’t want dad to knew about the stupid pee in the bed. Stupid pee, stupid Sam. Sam lowered his head and sobbed some more and he really disliked the sound of it.  
  
“Tell me what happened.” It wasn’t a question, it was an order and Sam knew that and he really didn’t want dad to be angry with him again.  
  
Talk? But how? Sam knew he could, but he didn’t knew how. It had been so long ago since he had last talked, three years, two months, one week and six days to be exact. Sam knew numbers, he was good at them, better than the other kids in his class.  
  
Sam opened his mouth but nothing came out, his throat burned like fire and not even a little sound made its way out, not even a sob anymore and Sam started to count the strips on the wooden floor soundlessly. Sam knew dad was still waiting, because dad was still holding Sam’s cheek and Sam didn’t like it.  
  
“Yes.” He whispered, his throat hurt and his voice were dry and it didn’t sound like the voice he had used three years ago. “No. Pee in bed.”  
  
Sam squeezed his eyes shut, maybe he could go to the moon now. He had been a good boy, he had talked and dad wanted him to but the moon didn’t take him up there and Sam was sad and he was scared that dad would get angry with him and Sam had been a good boy and it wasn’t okay to pee in the bed.  
  
He was eleven years old and it was confusing him and Sam disappeared a little from the world and himself, and maybe dad didn’t see him anymore because dad’s hand wasn’t on his cheek anymore and Sam felt cold. There was steps of bare feet sounding somewhere outside of him and Sam could hear that but he just wasn’t in the present time anymore - he was on the moon.  
  
He was walking in the sky, and Sam was never going to find the right book to grew wings but he could do this and it was almost just as good and then the hand was back on his cheek, warm and secure and not angry but Sam still jumped a little, because he hadn’t heard the steps and he flickered his eyes opened and found dad smiling a little and Sam frowned.  
  
He wasn’t angry and Sam had peed the bed. He didn’t understand. He had peed the bed and dad wasn’t angry even if Sam was eleven years old and a good boy surely didn’t pee the bed and Sam was confused. Was dad happy? Why? Sam’s frown deepened and he started to rock himself a little harder and he also started to beat his thigh again ‘til dad held him still.  
  
“You didn’t pee your bed, Sam.” Dad said and Sam looked down at the floor and sighed.  
  
He hadn’t? But he had! There had been a wet spot on the sheet in the bed and his boxer briefs were still sticky and cold, but they weren’t wet anymore and Sam huffed out a breath through his nose, because even if he did try, he still didn’t understand how that could make dad smile.  
  
“You had your first wet dream, boy. Which means you’ll soon be a man.” Dad said and Sam frowned.  
  
Yeah exactly, he had wet the bed so why were dad smiling? Sam had been prepared to be yelled at or something - anger - but it never appeared and dad’s voice didn’t get loud and Sam didn’t have to cover his ears with his hands and he just didn’t understand why.  
  
Sam knew it was a good thing dad wasn’t screaming but Sam wanted to knew why dad were smiling and not screaming and dad had just said Sam was going to be a man soon and Sam didn’t want that, he didn’t knew why but he didn’t want to be a man, he just wanted to be Sam. Was that too much to ask for?  
  
“Get into the bathroom and I’ll be there soon.” Dad said and Sam did what he was told to do.  
  
Nice requests was another thing however, a thing Sam didn’t understand because it was said as a question but it meant to be an order and it was just so confusing.  
  
A small example; if Dean asked him if he could call dad, Sam would nod but not do it anyway because it was a question, of course he could call dad and Dean would get angry because he had ordered Sam to make the call in what had sounded to be a question and that was just too much, too confusing and didn’t understand it, neither did he like it.  
  
Not that he called dad or anything, but still.  
  
Right forward orders on the other hand was just fine, because than it wouldn’t be a request and a question mark at the end and Sam would always do what he was told because that was how dad had raised him. Dean never made requests anymore, he straight out forward told Sam what to do and Sam liked that, that wasn’t confusing and he did it because he was told to do it.  
  
Dad asked questions instead of ordering all too often and it made no sense to Sam when dad got angry at him for not doing it because it just wasn’t making any sense to ask someone do something when in reality they were telling the person to do it. You see? It was all confusing and dad was just starting to learn but Sam had patience and even if it made him frustrated and annoyed, he didn’t let them see it.  
  
When Sam was finally showered and dressed with much difficulty on both their parts, Sam could see that dad had tears in his eyes and Sam quickly lowered his own eyes to the floor and sighed deeply as he started to rock himself, just to calm down a little - it didn’t help.  
  
“I’m so sorry, son.” Dad voice sounded so sad and Sam made eye contact with him only to once again lower his own eyes to the floor, fear of what he had seen there filled his body next.  
  
He had seen dad angry a lot of times before, but Sam had never seen the wet on dad’s cheeks and Sam wanted to grab a hold of him, stop it, because he didn’t like it and didn’t understand it. Dad’s shoes were dirty and Sam didn’t see them anymore because dad walked away and the door closed in a quiet kind of way and Sam wasn’t used to that.  
  
Was dad sad because Sam had done something wrong.. Maybe it was..  
  
“Pee in bed.” Sam whispered and nodded to himself slowly, of course that was the reason why dad was sad, Sam turned away from the closed door and climbed into bed.  
  
The sheets were already changed and it took Sam three minutes to finally find a comfortable position and he started to cry again and his head and body was so full of thoughts and emotions he didn’t really understand and it scared him and Sam didn’t like it. Dad was sad because of him and Sam cried a little harder ‘til he fell asleep.  
  
“Wake up, baby bro.” Sam jolted up into a sitting position and pulled his hand away from the itchy from the other hand that wasn’t his own.  
  
Sam looked up to find Dean’s face there, it was filled with emotions Sam didn’t really understand and looked away again, started to count the baked bens that he had been eating at school the other day soundlessly. Sam could talk, he could now, but it hurt and he didn’t like it and maybe Dean wouldn’t either.  
  
“I heard what happened this morning. Dad’s not angry.” De said and Sam shook his head but he had meant to nod, but instead of correcting himself, he just sighed heavily.  
  
Sam knew Dean was looking at him but all Sam wanted right there was to go somewhere else, do something else, - anything - he didn’t want to talk about it, he didn’t want to listen either, because Sam had been a bad boy and how could dad not be angry when Sam had peed the bed.  
  
Dad had to be angry and the smile on dad’s face was still confusing to Sam, but he knew dad was angry, he had to be. Sam was eleven years old - a big boy - Sam really shouldn’t pee in the bed. And dad had been crying, there had been wet on his cheeks and Sam didn’t like that.  
  
“I’m not angry either, it happened to me too when I was your age.” De’s voice were calm and not angry and Sam narrowed his eyes and looked up at De, kept the eye contact for a few beats before his eyes went unfocused and Sam had to look down again.  
  
Eyes were something Sam really didn’t understand because the emotions in there was something Sam couldn’t understand and De wasn’t sounding angry but his eyes were and that was something Sam didn’t understand. So instead of looking into the eyes of the person he was talking to like he was told to do, he rather looked somewhere else because it was easier to hear the right emotion in the voice instead in the eyes.  
  
Oh, Dean said he had done the same thing when he had been eleven too, that was a very long time ago, Sam figured and Sam wasn’t really sure if he believed him. Dean was a good boy and he knew it wasn’t right to do things like peeing the bed. Sam knew it was wrong too, but it had just happened and he didn’t knew why and it made him sad and dad had been smiling and it had just gotten worse and Sam so didn’t like it.  
  
“Like it.” Sam whispered and his eyes grew as he realized something with the words weren’t correct.  
  
Dean was smiling just like dad had done that morning and Sam didn’t like it. It hurt to talk, it confused him to see the smile there and Sam started to get frustrated because that very day had been a total disaster and Sam didn’t like it. They were smiling and Sam’s a bad boy, they should be angry and you didn’t smile while angry and Sam knew that.  
  
“You like it?” De asked and Sam nodded slowly.  
  
“Yeah.” Sam said but it sounded wrong and it was wrong and he didn’t like it. “Don’t like.” That was at least the right word even if his voice sounded wrong and Sam nodded in time with the words.  
  
“Sam, it’s normal. You didn’t piss yourself.” Dean said and Sam didn’t understand.  
  
He hadn’t? But he had! Dad had said it just like De did, but there had been a wet spot on the sheets and Sam’s boxer briefs had been wet and sticky and Sam hadn’t liked it, still didn’t. What was normal about that? Sam knew normal was like De, De was normal and he was a good boy and nice and Sam liked him and De wasn’t peeing his bed and neither had Sam but he had anyway and it just became too much.  
  
“DID!” Sam screamed and it throat hurt. “Sam did! DID, DID!” He hit his head against the wall behind him ‘til he couldn’t any longer because De was holding him still.  
  
“NO! You did NOT!” De was talking loudly and Sam didn’t like it and he rocked himself a little harder. “It’s normal, it wasn’t piss, Sam. You creamed yourself for fuck sake!”  
  
Sam stopped rocking, blinked a few times, then he frowned deeply. He was surprised and a little disgusted and yet he really didn’t understand how that could be possible because he was a good boy and good boy didn’t eat..  
  
“No ice cream in bed.” Sam said and his voice sounded like dad and Dean thought so too because he laughed.  
  
De loosened his grip of him and Sam took a deep breath when De let him go, the laughter was loud but Sam understood it, liked it, and laughed a little as well because that meant De was happy. Nobody laughed if they were sad and Sam knew that and it sounded loud but good. But Sam really didn’t like to sound like dad because dad was stupid and angry and too loud and too firm when he touched and Sam didn’t like it.  
  
De wasn’t, he was nice and friendly, had patience and understood Sam correctly and De was almost never angry at Sam and he always shushed his loud voices with dad when Sam was in the room and De’s touch wasn’t as painful as dad’s and Sam liked him.  
  
“Not that kind of cream, you twat. You know your dick holds sperm insides, right?” De asked and Sam knew it was a question and nodded.  
  
Of course he knew, De had been the one to tell him that a few years back and Sam thought he understood by then because De had been eleven too, a long time ago, and Sam remembered waking up to De peeing the bed De hadn’t said too much by then but had explained it to Sam later and Sam understood it by then but he didn’t like it and it made him a little scared and he started to cry.  
  
He didn’t want to be a..  
  
“..father to bed.” He sobbed and De laughed again and Sam sniffled out loud and the wet covered his cheek and Sam didn’t want that.  
  
“No, you stupid twat.” De said and whipped Sam’s tears away and Sam allowed him the touch for the first time in his entire life and he could hear De‘s breath got weird before he cleared his throat and removed his hand. “Only girls can get pregnant by your sperms.”  
  
Sam understood.  
  
De told him some other stuff too and Sam decided he’d never touch a girl the way De told him was normal for teenage boys because it was gross and Sam didn’t like it. Girls were gross and Sam got the message through to De by asking for breakfast and later, it’s loud voices in the house and for the first time Sam heard a few words from De’s voice as it turned loud and high while Sam hid under the table to get the voices to get a little quieter.  
  
Sam wasn’t stupid, he was just different. Just give him some time and Sam would understand perfectly. It was time John got his shit together and to help his youngest son the way it was meant for John to do many years ago. Sam was a big boy and John should treat him like one. He was family and he need our love and support.  
  
Sam’s heart beat very quickly when the voices vanish and silence covered the house and then De was there and Sam really liked him and smiled and De whipped the wet from Sam’s cheeks. Stupid wet. Stupid dad.  
  
“I like that you’re talking again, Sam.” Dean whispered and Sam nodded.  
  
“Brother.” Sam whispered and De smiled at him and Sam knew he was happy.


	3. Chapter 3

They were at a weird looking mall, at Wal*mart Dean had said, to buy new clothes to Sam because the ones he had on was getting too small and too short, Dean had said so and Sam believed him, but he didn’t like the Wal*mart because there were people there. A lot of people. Everywhere.  
  
And babies. That cried and made noise.  
  
Upon everything else, Sam heard every other sound nobody else seemed to notice and it was tiring and annoying and loud, Sam didn’t like loud noises and he didn’t like it there. The fridges were buzzing, cell-phones rang, people talked, clocks ticked, wheels on carts squeaked, babies cried and parents were yelling. Sam didn’t like it.  
  
Sam and Dean was alone, dad had dropped them off because dad had something else to do and Sam wondered if it had something to do with the lady that dad had spoken to but he didn’t ask, he never really did. Dean had a card to buy the clothes with and Dean took many of the shirts there, more than Sam thought was necessarily and it was getting too much.  
  
Dad wasn’t there, Dean picked up clothes and Sam stood in the corner and rocked himself to and fro as he tried to calm himself down, ignore the noises and the loud voices all around him, but it didn’t work and Dean was gone. Didn’t matter where Sam looked, Dean was nowhere to be found and Sam silently started to cry.  
  
He stood there crying for at least two minutes ’til a friendly older voice was heard somewhere beside him and a light touch that burned like fire was settled on his arm and Sam screamed loudly, he didn’t want to touch, he didn’t want to be there, he just wanted De.  
  
And dad.  
  
The friendly older voice turned nasty and said something Sam didn’t understand and then Dean was there and yelling too. Sam looked up at him quickly, Dean wasn’t angry at him but with an old lady. The lady that had touched Sam.  
  
“He’s not retarded, you fucker!” De screamed and Sam narrowed his eyes.  
  
Retarded. Sam had heard that word before. But where? Right, in Minnesota, on the schoolyard, the older boy. Now an older woman said so too and Sam frowned a little, were older people saying things like that often? Then De turned to him and whipped away his tears and Sam liked it.  
  
Sam liked Dean.  
  
“You good to go?” Dean asked and Sam nodded, he was really good to go.  
  
They headed towards the end of the weird mall house and there was a long line of people and De said a bad word and Sam really couldn’t help but laugh as De eyed him and smiled too. Never use bad words, De had said, but De was doing it too. So funny.  
  
“You’re awesome, Sam.” Dean said and Sam looked up at Dean’s eyes for a quick second before his eyes lost focus and he looked elsewhere.  
  
Dean’s eyes were green. Like the grass should’ve been on Bobby’s yard if it hadn’t been dead and filled with cars. Green was awesome, like Sam. Red wasn’t. Sam decided that as he nodded to himself. He really didn’t like red.  
  
“Awesome.” Sam whispered and Dean laughed.  
  
The line of people weren’t over yet and Sam didn’t really understand why they were standing there doing nothing, but he just stood beside Dean anyway, looked at his chest and smiled. Dean didn’t have a big chest, Dean wasn’t a woma..  
  
Something bumped into him from behind and Sam lost his balance and fell to the floor and the loud yelling from Dean started all over again before two hands helped Sam up from the floor, Sam really didn’t like the floor, it was dirty and the hands hurt and Dean was shushing him.  
  
When Sam calmed down and blinked up at Dean’s face, he found Dean looking at him too and Sam blinked a few times before he lowered his eyes to look at Dean’s chin. They were alright. And there was no hands anymore. Sam didn’t want that. But he didn’t want to..  
  
“Touch.” Sam said to himself but Dean must’ve thought it was to him because he asked;  
  
“You want to touch?”  
  
Did he? Yes. Touch Dean was alright, Sam decided. It hurt a lot, but touch Dean was alright and Sam wanted to. Dean reached out his hand, palm up and Sam looked at it for half a minute before he slowly lifted his own hand, blinked twice and placed his hand in Dean’s.  
  
It didn’t hurt. Not anymore and Sam smiled brightly.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
The church was beautiful, big windows and high ceiling and painting everywhere of God’s son. Jim had explained it to him a lot of times, the stuff that was written in the bible and Sam really liked the story of God. He wasn’t sure if it was true, Jim said he wasn’t sure either, but they had to believe in something good and Sam agreed with him.  
  
If there was demons out there killing Sam and Dean’s mom - Mary - then there had to be something good out there too, something good that had made dad a hunter. Sam believed there was something good out there too, but he wasn’t sure it was God, but Sam didn’t say that out loud in fear he’d upset Jim’s father.  
  
Sam had never seen Jim’s father, but Jim always talked about him, said very good words about him and Jim’s father believed in God too, or he was the God. Sam didn’t really remember. Sam was in the church sometimes with Jim, talked to older people there and they actually seemed nice because they weren’t loud in the church.  
  
Nobody was loud in the church and Sam liked that.  
  
Sam liked to hold Dean’s hand too. As often as possible. Just to prove to himself that he could hold Dean’s hand without hurting. Dean’s hand didn’t hurt. Not anymore and Sam wondered why but didn’t think too much about it, too happy he could actually hold Dean’s hand.  
  
Jim had said it was good Sam could hold Dean’s hand. Dad never said anything like that but dad didn’t dislike it either, otherwise he would’ve said so and Sam knew that because dad always said if he disliked something. Sam couldn’t hold Dean hand at that moment, because Sam was in the church, Dean wasn’t.  
  
Dean didn’t believe in God, but he was okay with Sam believing in God, he just didn’t want Sam to be a prude and Sam promised he wouldn’t. Sam wasn’t sure what a prude was but he didn’t ask, he never did. Sam really liked holding Dean’s hand.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
Sam liked birthdays. But he really didn’t like dad’s cake. The thing had always too much sugar, it tasted like ape and Dean agreed with him on that, Sam knew that because each and every birthday Dean made the cake by himself and he never let dad help, Sam liked that, Dean’s cake was so much better.  
  
Dad was whistling by the stove after the song treatment by the bed, a treatment Sam would’ve been happy to skip and when Sam saw the cake in the oven, Sam really didn’t want to have a birthday. He was turning twelve years old, a big boy, but not as big as Dean, Dean was still older and Sam really didn’t want to have a birthday because he didn’t want to eat dad’s cake.  
  
Dean wasn’t anywhere to be seen, Jim was in the living room and dad was at the stove, whistling and baking disgusting cake. Stupid birthday. Stupid sugar. Stupid, stupid dad for cooking it. Without a warning or even a hint of what his body was about to do, Sam’s hand lifted on it’s own and the next second, he hit himself on the thigh, twice.  
  
He already had a bruise there. A big one. And now it’d be bigger and it hurt and Sam started to rock and dad tried to calm him down and Sam just didn’t like it. He didn’t want to have a birthday. When he was calm enough, dad gave him a sandwich and a glass of milk, when he had eaten the breakfast, Sam went into the living room where Jim was sitting in front of the TV.  
  
It showed cakes.  
  
And then it started all over again. Jim tried to calm him down but Dean got there and holding Dean’s hand while angry hurt. But it also calmed him down a little and after another minute or so, Sam pulled in a deep breath and let it out slowly. Sam really didn’t like his birthday. Not when dad made the cake.  
  
“You want to go on a walk with me?” Dean asked and Sam nodded, he really wanted to.  
  
They went to the park not so far away from Jim’s house, it had green grass and the sun was bright in the sky. Sam looked up at it and squeezed his eyes shut, he shouldn’t have done that, but Sam liked the sun, the moon was his best preference but the moon wasn’t there because it was morning and Sam knew that on the morning and days, there was no moon in the sky.  
  
“Why are you angry today, Sam?” Dean asked as they sat down on a bench and held each other’s hand, holding Dean’s hand was nice.  
  
“Not angry.” Sam said and sighed, his voice still sounded weird. “No cake.”  
  
Dean didn’t speak anymore, his thumb moved a little over Sam’s own and Sam looked down at their hands and smiled. Sam liked holding Dean’s hand, it was soft and nice and Sam liked it. Dean’s thumb was tickling his own thumb and it felt funny and Sam giggled a little, Dean did too.  
  
“There will be cake, Sam.” Dean said after awhile and Sam knew that and sighed, he didn’t want dad’s cake.  
  
“Know.” Sam answered and sighed again, he really didn’t want his birthday.  
  
“Then why are you angry?” Dean asked and Sam wasn’t sure how to answer him, so he simply didn’t.  
  
They held one another’s hands for awhile longer on the bench, then Dean got up, let go of his hand and stretched, arms above his head and he sounded funny when he did so and Sam laughed a little and got up as well, but he didn’t stretch, Sam knew he’d fall if he tried.  
  
Then they went home. Back to the house, Sam’s birthday and dad’s cake. Sam didn’t want cake but he didn’t want to be angry either, because that hurt too. Jim’s house were their home and Sam liked that, it was white and had a black roof and it wasn’t red like other houses. It had been, but wasn’t anymore. Sam liked that.  
  
But when they got inside, once Sam saw the color of the paper that was on one of his gift, he got angry even if he didn’t want to. It was red. The wrap paper was red and Sam didn’t like red. It was three colored gifts on the kitchen table, two green gifts and one red. The red one looked not good and Sam didn’t like it and screamed.  
  
He screamed until dad sighed deeply and took the wrap paper off. Inside, without the red paper, was a gun and Sam screamed again. He didn’t want a gun, he didn’t want something dangerous and dad lifted the gun and Sam screamed again, dad was dangerous, dad had a gun and then it clicked and nothing happened.  
  
Sam blinked twice and stopped screaming. Dad wasn’t dangerous, the gun wasn’t dangerous because it didn’t sound loudly and Dean started to yell again. Dean and dad was always anger with one another and Sam didn’t like it and sat down heavily on the chair with a sigh. He really didn’t want cake and he really didn’t want dad and Dean yelling with one another.  
  
“Okay, okay,” Jim said as he entered the room and placed a soft hand on Sam’s shoulder that didn’t hurt. “I think that’s enough.”  
  
Jim never yelled, not like Dean and dad did. Jim was calm when everyone else were chaos and Sam liked that, Sam liked Jim. Dad and Dean didn’t yell anymore and Jim placed his hand elsewhere, Sam didn’t knew where but it wasn’t on him and he imminently missed the touch.  
  
Dad and Dean sat down and Jim placed the cake on the table before him. Jim did that, dad didn’t. But dad had made the cake, so why were Jim placing it on the table? Sam tried to understand but couldn’t, dad had baked the cake, he should place it on the table, not Jim.  
  
“No cake?” Sam realized he had stopped crying because his face didn’t taste like tears anymore. “Daddy.”  
  
Sam eyed the cake on the table, it didn’t look weird, didn’t look like it had a lot of disgusting sugar in it and then Dean took his hand underneath the table and Sam looked up at him with pleading eyes, he wanted Dean to understand because Dean always did and Dean didn’t like dad’s cake either.  
  
Before Sam knew what happened, Dean started to laugh and Sam looked at his mouth and it was really wide when Dean laughed like that. Did Sam’s own mouth look like that when he laughed? Dean was happy but Sam wasn’t sure why.  
  
“He wants to know if it’s you who made the cake.” Dean said when he stopped laughing and Sam could see that he was looking at dad.  
  
Dean had understood without Sam saying anything. Was Dean a mind reader? No, he wasn’t, Dean just understood Sam very good. Dad looked confused and not angry anymore and Sam knew dad was confused because his face had much wrinkles when he was confused.  
  
“Uh no, Jim did.” Dad said and his voice sounded funny, and Sam smiled, Dean had understood and it wasn’t dad who made the cake. “Why?”  
  
Dad had asked a question but nobody was answering it and Sam looked up quickly and when he noticed dad looking at him, Sam looked down again and blinked a few times. It wasn’t nice to say what he thought all the time and Sam wasn’t sure if he should answer that question but dad was still waiting and Dean squeezed his hand lightly under the table.  
  
“Daddy’s cake..” Sam wasn’t sure how to discribe it since his words weren’t really cooperating with him, then he remembered Dean’s own answer to that and smiled. “Ew.” Sam said and stuck out his tongue as he made a grimace.  
  
Dad laughed and Sam smiled, then Dean and Jim laughed too and Sam joined them. Dad promised him he wouldn’t get food poisning and Sam happily ate a big piece of the cake. It tasted really good. Not at all like dad’s cake. Sam liked that.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
Santa was a big man with a white beard, Dean had told Sam that and Santa was coming to Jim’s house later that evening, after they’d eaten much food and Sam really liked Christmas, but he had never meet Santa before and Sam didn’t like meeting new people.  
  
The fireplace were beautiful and it was hot too, like the stove had been when Sam had been around three. Sam remembered that, he also had a scar on his hand after the burning. It didn’t hurt there anymore, it was just a scar like dad’s scars. Dad had lots of scars on the back because of the monsters.  
  
Sam really didn’t like the monsters. But he thought it was good dad could send them back to hell where they belonged. There was an apple in the fireplace and the clock was 3PM, almost time for dinner and Sam wasn’t sure if he was hungry - he never felt hungry - he just knew that he should eat otherwise he could get very sick, Dean and dad had told him so.  
  
“You want to eat it now?” Dean asked and Sam blinked a few times and looked up at Dean, saw the apple that wasn’t in the fire anymore and nodded.  
  
It looked weird, it was warm and Sam couldn’t eat it because it burned his lips and teeth, De gave him a glass of ice water and Sam thankfully drank it down, he really didn’t like the burn, freeze were better but not great. Dean looked like he was on fire when he sat so close to the fireplace, he looked yellow and orange - except for his eyes - they were green.  
  
Dean took a bite of his apple and smiled and Sam did the same on his own, it tasted really sweet. Good, but sweet. Sugary, but not like dad’s cake. Jim cleared his throat in the doorway and Sam looked up and smiled before he looked down again, Jim was always nice.  
  
“It’s time for dinner.” Jim said and Sam looked at the clock and nodded, Jim was correct, it was time for dinner.  
  
Not only was it Christmas and dad was home, but the food on Christmas was amazing because Jim always said that pizza on Christmas was better than to let kids in the poor countries starve. Sam didn’t want kids to starve or countries to be poor. Christmas pizza was always great and Sam liked it.  
  
“I think I need to do number two.” Dad said and Sam made a grimace.  
  
Sam really didn’t like when dad informed him about those things because Sam thought dad should keep those things to himself because it was gross and they’d just been eating which made it even grosser. Dean took his hand under the table and rubbed his thumb over Sam’s pulse point, it tickled and he forgot dad’s disgusted words.  
  
Half an hour later - with Dean watching the clock every other second and Jim changing on the chair in a weird manner - the doorbell rang and Sam startled on his chair. It was probably Santa. The man with a white beard. Sam covered his ears with his hands and he really didn’t like the idea of Santa getting into their home.  
  
By the time the big man with the beard got into the kitchen, Sam was hiding under the table - which he hadn’t done in years - and he was rocking quite hard. Sam really didn’t like the idea of Santa getting close to him. Dean was under the table with him too, talking, but Sam didn’t hear him, Sam had his hand pressed over his ears so he wouldn’t have to hear the Santa speak.  
  
“It’s okay, Sam.” The words entered his mind anyway, made through his hands to his ears and Sam bit his lower lip and shook his head, he really didn’t want any Santa in Jim’s home.  
  
“Sam not like.” Sam said and uncovered his ears, the kitchen was so quiet and the only thing he heard was his own and Dean’s breathing.  
  
If there was anything Sam wanted right there, was to be able to unseen the big booths the Santa had on his feet because they were big and dirty and too close to Sam’s leg and Sam really didn’t like it. Santa’s leg was in denim, jeans, grey color and Sam frowned, he didn’t like jeans, Santa did but Sam didn’t.  
  
“Santa isn’t dangerous Sam.” Dean said and Sam looked at the shoes again and moved his own leg away from them then Dean took his hands around Sam’s cheeks and made Sam’s eyes lock on his. “He’s like dad.” Sam frowned. “Like.. Bobby.”  
  
Was Santa a hunter? Did he hunt demons like dad and Bobby? But Dean had said that Santa was a man only for kids and Sam knew neither dad nor Bobby were a kid. And demons were adult, sure they could enlist or whatever dad had written in the journal in a kid’s body, but the demon itself was a adult because there was no way the king of hell would allow his sons and daughters to make a deal with a kid no matter how much respect the devil wants. Dad had written that too.  
  
“Bob hunt..” Sam said and looked at Santa’s shoes before he slowly leaned toward Dean and whispered in a loud voice. “YAD. Said.” There were words missing but Dean understood, he always did.  
  
“Yes, Bobby hunts the YED, dad said so and it’s true.” Dean whispered back in a quiet voice and Sam wondered how he did that. “But Santa is a nice man, almost as nice as Bobby.”  
  
So Santa was as nice as Bobby? De had said he was and Sam believed him. Almost as nice as Bobby. Why Bobby? Were Santa and Bobby brothers like Sam and Dean were brothers? Sam looked at Santa’s shoes again and laughed, yes, Santa had almost as dirty shoes as Bobby, but just almost.  
  
“Brother with Bob?” Sam just had to ask and Dean was quiet for a long time, almost a minute, then he laughed and the men above the table laughed too.  
  
“No, Santa isn’t Bobby’s brother.” Dean said and Sam frowned. “But they’re friends.”  
  
Ah! Friends! Bobby weren’t friends with evil persons or monsters, Sam knew that and carefully moved away from under the table, in the opposite side of the dirty shoes of course - Sam really didn’t want to get dirty. When he was sitting on the chair, Sam slowly looked up at the Santa, he had a beard and he was round and grey.  
  
His clothes were grey..  
  
“Ho-ho-ho.” Santa said and Sam quickly looked down, he didn’t like the dark voice, it was too dark to be friendly and Sam didn‘t like it. “Merry Christmas Sam. I’ve heard you were a good boy this year.” Santa said and Sam nodded slowly, he had been a really good boy.  
  
The Santa smelled just like Bobby and he looked like Bobby except the beard. Bobby didn’t have a beard, the Santa had a beard but not Bobby. Bobby was just as nice as Jim and Sam didn’t have a beard like Santa. The Santa gave him two big wrapped gifts and Sam looked at them wide eyed before he looked up at Santa and smiled shyly.  
  
Why did he get presents? Was it because he had been a good boy? No wait, every other Christmas, Sam had gotten gifts from De and dad and Jim. Now Santa gave him two too and Sam liked that. He really liked Christmas because the house smelled good and the pizza was great and dad was always home at Christmas.  
  
“Thank you.” Sam stammered, but he said the right thing at least and smiled down at the gifts again, and there was three more now which meant he had five gifts.  
  
One from De, one from dad and one from Jim. Jim talked to God with his work and maybe God knew what Sam wanted for Christmas present. Sam wasn’t sure what he wanted but God must’ve known, Jim probably asked God about it. Sure, Sam wanted a lot of things, but from what Dean had said, Sam knew it wouldn’t happen just because he wanted it to.  
  
Sam wanted dad to stop hurting, he wanted mom to not be dead anymore, he wanted the poor countries to have money, he wanted kids to be able to eat, he wanted peace on earth, he wanted Dean to be happy and Sam also wanted to go to the moon.  
  
There was so much he wanted, but he couldn’t ask God for it, because God had other important things to do, like playing ball with the angels and bowl the heaven-trapped demons. Or that was what Dean had told him. Dean didn’t believe in God, but he still believed in him and Sam didn’t understand.  
  
Santa was leaving and Sam looked at his broad back as he turned and left the kitchen. Dean must’ve been wrong. Santa and Bobby weren’t just friends, they had to be brothers, because Santa had a look-alike cap in the back pocket of his jeans as Bobby used to have on his head. Why did Santa use it in the back pocket instead? It looked really stupid.  
  
Sam got a new pair of sweatpants in black from Dean, a blue shirt from dad, a black bible from Jim. The house smelled of chocolate and Jim got up to help dad with the stove. Sam also got a big book about stars and a new pen that shifted colors every time he lifted it from the paper to write a new line from Santa. Sam really liked the pen.  
  
Sam looked up from what he had written and widened his eyes in surprise, uncle Bobby was there! But Bobby was on a hunt, with the YAD, about the YAD. Sam yawned, he was really tired. And Bobby was there but Bobby should be on a hunt.  
  
“Hey kiddo.” Bobby said and Sam blinked a few times and smiled before he looked down at the pen again. “Did you get some nice presents?”  
  
“Brother.” Sam said and the smell of chocolate changed into a smell of fire, dad put it out with a curse word and Sam repeated him before he said to Bobby: “Santa brother Bob.”  
  
“Oh, Santa was here?” Bobby said and his voice sounded funny and Sam nodded, Santa had been there and Santa was Bobby’s brother just like Dean was Sam’s brother. “Did he give you something you liked?”  
  
“Star.” Sam said slowly, wrinkled his nose because the smell didn’t go away and Dean took a place beside him and took his hand, Sam liked that. “Pen.”  
  
“That sounds great. I meet him on the way inside, he’s really proud you’re a good boy.”  
  
Sam’s head snapped up at that. He really didn’t want to make anyone proud. Whatever that meant. Sam really didn’t like the sound of that word and before he could do something to show it, Dean rubbed his thumb against Sam’s pulse point and it calmed him down.  
  
Sam was really tired and the next day he understood why he had to go to bed two hours too early on Christmas. He had a very high fever and Sam really didn’t like it.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
It was Dean’s sixteenth birthday and dad acted so weird it almost scared Sam, but dad almost always acted weird in one way or the other and Sam told himself not to panic. Most of the time, that didn’t help. But it was Dean’s birthday and Sam really didn’t want to be angry on Dean’s birthday.  
  
“Do me a favor, Sam.” Dad said as he had just finished tying the scarf around Dean’s head. “Walk him to the car.”  
  
Sam looked at dad with one raised eyebrow like Dean had thought him, then he looked at Dean’s tied face and the evil scarf that hunted Sam’s hands and Sam really didn’t like the idea of Dean being tied like that. Had Dean been a bad boy? No, he couldn’t have because Dean was never a bad boy, Sam decided.  
  
Then what? Dad told him again and Sam looked down at Dean’s outstretched hand and Sam took it slowly, was Dean scared and sad like Sam used to be when the scarf was around his own hands to keep him still? Sam wasn’t so sure, because Dean was smiling and Sam knew nobody smiled when they were sad.  
  
Not even Dean.  
  
When Sam took Dean’s hand, Dean squeezed it lightly before he rubbed his thumb against Sam’s pulse point and Sam smiled as he looked at their hands, he liked holding Dean’s hand, it was soft and nice and Dean was talking.  
  
“It’s alright, Sam.” Dean said and Sam looked up at the scarf and frowned. “It’s a birthday gift and dad don’t want me to see it yet. Remember the movie we watched yesterday?”  
  
Sam did remember. There had been a guy who dated a girl fifty times and she still didn’t remember him. She was mean and rude and more confused than Sam over things that should make her remember even when she didn’t. Sam nodded, he remembered the movie.  
  
“It’s like that. A surprise. He showed her the aquarium, remember? I think dad has a surprise for me too and dad tied the scarf around my head just like he did to her.” Sam nodded, Dean was right, Dean was always right.  
  
Sam carefully and slowly lead Dean to the car and watched him almost fell to the ground when he missed a step of the stairs, but Sam did what he was told and within three minutes, they got to the car. Jim’s car. Not the ‘pala. The ‘pala was nowhere to be seen. Sam liked the ‘pala and wondered where she was.  
  
The ‘pala was the only woman Sam liked. The ‘pala was a woman because Dean had told him so. Dean always called the ‘pala baby and Sam didn’t understand that, because the ‘pala didn’t look like a baby, it was big and black and beautiful. Not like a baby. Babies screamed, the ‘pala didn’t scream.  
  
Dad helped Dean into the car, helped Sam to get the seatbelt on so the cops wouldn’t give dad a ticket and they drove around for about thirty minutes before dad stopped the car and helped Dean out before he helped Sam unlock the seatbelt.  
  
Both Sam and dad helped Dean into a big looking garage that smelled like oil, engines and the ‘pala. But the ‘pala wasn’t there either. Instead there was a blanket over something big and Sam could see that it looked like a car beneath the blanket, but he didn’t think it was because cars didn’t need blankets.  
  
“Close your eyes.” Dad said and Sam did, but nothing happened. “Now open them.” And Sam did, still nothing.  
  
Oh, the ‘pala was there and the blanket was on the floor. Sam didn’t understand but Dean yelled and Sam wondered why he was angry. Sam didn’t want Dean to be angry. It was Dean’s birthday and dad was so stupid for making Dean angry and then..  
  
Dean hugged dad. Sam knew that nobody hugged someone they were angry with. Dad laughed and hugged Dean back just as much. Just watching them hug got Sam to shiver, he could hold Dean’s hand, but he didn’t want to hug. Sam really didn’t like to touch that much.  
  
“De angry.” Sam said and sighed. “Hug dad not.”  
  
Dean stopped hugging dad then and turned to Sam with a happy smile on his face. Nobody smiled when they were angry, Sam knew that. Maybe Dean wasn’t angry with dad then. But Dean had yelled and Dean only yelled when he was angry. Sam didn’t understand.  
  
“I’m not angry, Sammy.” Dean said and Sam made a grimace, he really didn’t like that nickname. “I’m happy.”  
  
“De yell.” Sam said and nodded to himself, nobody yelled if they were happy. “..angry.”  
  
Dean stretched out his hand toward him and Sam placed his palm in Dean’s and frowned. Dean wasn’t angry but he had yelled and the ‘pala was in a garage under a blanket that was on the floor. Why was the ‘pala in a blanket before? Was she sick?  
  
“Sometimes people yell when they’re happy too.” Dean said and Sam nodded slowly but didn’t really understand yet. “Do you understand what just happened?” Sam shook his head and looked at Dean and his own hands. “Dean and Sam owns the ‘pala. Not dad, but you and me. The ‘pala is ours.”  
  
Sam looked up at Dean, made eye contact for a short second and blinked three times before he looked at the ‘pala and then at dad before he looked at Dean’s chest and nodded. He understood. Dad had given the ‘pala to Dean as a birthday gift. It was their car now because Sam was Dean’s brother and Sam owned it with him. Sam really liked that.  
  
“Now I’ve only one thing I want from you, Dean.” Dad said and Sam had almost forgotten he was there, Dean turned to dad without letting go of Sam’s hand. “I want you to stop following me on hunts. It’s a damn distraction I just can’t afford.”  
  
“I promise,” Dean said and turned back to Sam, put his free hand on Sam’s cheek and Sam blinked twice, took a deep breath and allowed the pain away. “it’s way better to stay at home anyway.”  
  
Dean’s eyes glittered as he said it and Sam didn’t understand. But Dean’s eyes were green and Sam really liked them.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
The loud voices in the kitchen was really loud and tiring and Sam wasn’t scared of the loud voices and harsh words anymore, he was used to it, he just didn’t like it and he was thirteen years old and doc Robert Wells understood Sam correctly with Sam needn’t to use his voice, it was good but the fighting wasn’t good.  
  
The loud voices got higher and louder and Sam was tired and angry but he didn’t cry because he wasn’t sad and Sam knew what to do because doc Robert Wells had told him examples of what he could do when the voices got loud.  
  
But the thought of yelling as well scared him a little. Sam had no idea of what to yell but he made his way downstairs anyway, the house were big and the loud voices were heard from the kitchen and Sam wanted it to be quiet as it had been before dad got back from the hunt. But dad was there and the loud voices and angry words were heard and Sam didn’t like it.  
  
Dad and Dean was standing in the kitchen, yelling angry words and it included Sam and something else Sam didn’t really understand and Jim was there too, sitting on a chair and Sam couldn’t see the anger in his face but Jim was watching Dad and Dean so he had to be angry too.  
  
Sam wasn’t happy either and he wanted to cover his ears, the loud voices were too much and he started to rock a little from side to side, but Sam didn’t cover his ears, instead he went even further into the kitchen with shaky steps and he didn’t like it because the voices got louder with each step he took.  
  
“Sam’s not stupid, he’s autistic! It’s a big difference!” Dean yelled and Sam knew he wasn’t happy because nobody yelled when they were happy.  
  
“But he doesn’t talk, he doesn’t allow us to touch him, he cries all the time and he doesn’t understand us! I sure as hell never asked for a child like that!” Dad yelled and Sam slammed his foot to the floor twice in anger.  
  
Sam’s not stupid, he might be a little slower than Dean but Sam knew what dad was saying and it made Sam feel sad and he could feel hot tears behind his eyelids, but he was angry too because dad was stupid and the yelling was only getting worse and Sam didn’t like it and he surely didn’t like dad anymore.  
  
“I’m sorry! Stop it now! I’m sorry!” Sam yelled in a desperate voice, it was loud and Sam scared himself, it didn’t sound right but it was the right words and Sam didn’t like it being so loud.  
  
But the loud voices stop and Sam lowered his eyes as both of them turned to look at him, Sam didn’t want them to be angry with him and dad wasn’t nice and Dean was angry too and maybe it was Sam’s fault because they faugh about him all the time - always.  
  
Sam looked up at the ceiling as the silence and stares got the best out of him and he rocked a little harder, a little firmer and he could see the stars and he counted them even if the ceiling was made of wood and there was really no way for Sam to see them, he still did.  
  
He saw the moon too and he really wanted to fly there instead of being in the kitchen where dad was stupid and Dean was yelling and Jim just sat on the stupid chair not stopping them from being loud and Sam screamed too and he didn’t like it.  
  
“It’s not your fault, cowboy, it’s not your fault.” Dean’s voice were quiet then but Sam ignored him and the stars wasn’t there anymore and neither is the moon and all Sam could see was the wooden ceiling and he didn’t like it.  
  
“The hell it isn’t!” Dad’s stupid voice was still too loud and Sam blinked a few times before he looked up at dad with anger and hopelessness.  
  
A few seconds later, Sam lowered his head again because he couldn’t seem to regain focus and dad’s face didn’t look angry when Sam finally looked down and away, it looked more sad without tears and Sam didn’t understand. How could dad be sad without tears?  
  
Dean was right there too, held his hand out toward Sam, palm up and Sam looked at it for awhile before he took it in his own, Dean’s hand was always bigger than Sam’s and it’s warm and Sam liked it. Dean was never angry with Sam and Sam liked that, he liked Dean very much because Dean understood him. Almost better than the doctor and Sam did something he had never done before.  
  
It took almost a whole minute for Sam to break the distance between him and Dean, but when Sam finally did, he clumsily wrapped his arms Dean’s waist and it was awkward, it burned a little but Dean understood and wrapped his arms around Sam too in a loose way and Sam sighed, he liked it.  
  
“But how..” Dad’s voice was quiet but Sam heard it but ignored him, Dean’s body was warm and Sam liked it with a sigh.  
  
“John, come on.” Jim’s voice entered Sam’s ears another minute later.  
  
Sam let go of Dean, took a shaky step backward and almost loses his balance but Dean was there to steady him before he actually fell and Sam’s grateful and bended down in a weird angle to look at Jim and dad’s shoes as they walked out of the kitchen. Sam laughed, dad had really dirty shoes and Jim’s shoes were white and nice and it looked really funny to see so different shoes walk away together.  
  
“Sam, look at me please.” Dean voice sounded funny and it took 23 seconds before Sam looked at Dean and another 23 to focus his eyes on his brother. “Tell me how you feel.”  
  
Huh! That wasn’t what Sam wanted Dean to say and Dean should’ve known that. Dean should’ve known that because Dean understood that Sam had trouble with words and he got frustrated and sad when his voice didn’t sound right and the words didn’t come out the way they should and Sam got frustrated by then and he beat his head against the doorframe and it hurt.  
  
Sam could hear Dean talk, but Sam didn’t look at him. Green, Sam liked the color green, the color green Dean’s eyes was and the summer grass that should’ve been green in Bobby’s yard before it died and the summer grass smelled good and Dean smelled good too but not like the grass. Sam didn’t like the doorframe however, because it was hard and it was made of wood and it hurt his head and Dean was there, held his head away from the doorframe and Sam didn’t like that either.  
  
“Stop it, Sam!” Dean talked loudly but he wasn’t yelling, Dean never yelled with Sam and Sam knew that and his head hurt and Dean’s fingers was on his cheeks and it hurt.  
  
“Stop it! Stop it. SAM!” Sam rocked back and forth and repeated Dean’s words, mimicked his voice over and over again and he didn’t like it.  
  
“Here.” Dean said, he was quiet again, stopped touching Sam’s cheek and took his hand instead and Sam watched as Dean put the new book in leather in Sam’s hand and a pen in the other.  
  
The book was heavy, Dean’s hand was gone and Sam watched the book in his hand for awhile, it smelled like the ‘pala’s seats, the pen was somewhat new - he got in on Christmas from Santa - Sam smiled a little, his head hurt but words were better that way and Dean understood. Sam sat down awkwardly in the chair Jim had been sitting on and his rocking movement never stopped as he opened the book and the pages were white and Sam liked the thought of filling the white pages with his own words with the new book as well.  
  
Dean started talking again and Sam heard him, Sam always heard him and there was so much Sam wanted to put into words but he just wasn’t sure how to begin and Dean was asking him questions and Sam blinked a few times, looked down at the pages again and gripped the pen between his fingers, it felt weird but Sam had done that a lot of times before and he started to answer the too many questions Dean was asking him and Sam took a deep breath before he pushed the book over the top of the table towards Dean.  
  
Sam looked up at the ceiling again but found it boring and tried to focus his eyes on Dean but failed and ended up staring at the tabletop and Sam found it very interesting because it had many twists and turns everywhere in the wood there and it looked nice. Sam knew there was a different word for it, he had heard it a lot of times but Sam had forgotten the name of it, which of course didn’t happen often.  
  
“You feel stupid?” Dean asked and Sam knew it was a question because he could almost see the question mark Dean was throwing in his direction and Sam nodded. “Why?”  
  
Sam wasn’t sure how to answer that question because he felt alright but he knew he wasn’t. Dean placed the book on the table in front of him again and Sam narrowed his eyes and sighed. There was so many things to write and Dean understood but Sam didn’t like it very much at the moment because the book had covered the nice..  
  
“Nice..?” Sam looked up at Dean and he knew it was too little, he needed to say more. “Different nice?”  
  
Dean looked at him with a funny look on his face and Sam smiled because Dean did too. He held the eye contact for a few seconds longer than usual before he broke it to look down at the book which was in the way for Sam to see the nice surface of the wood on the table.  
  
“Nice can also be great if you’re mentioning a look of a thing or a touch, it can look great and feel great. Nice can also be beautiful if you like the color of something, how the sky looks on a sunny day or a person you like can be beautiful.” Dean said and it was too many words and the only thing Sam heard was the word beautiful because that was the right word.  
  
Sam gripped the pen again and he held it a little harder than before and he wrote on the same page a few lines down, the pen shook in his hand and the words got ugly and Sam lifted his hand up to his forehead and pressed hard into the skin there until it hurt and did it for awhile longer ‘til Dean’s fingers wrapped carefully around his wrist and Sam stopped, took a deep breath and wrote on a different line in the page again. When he was done, he gave the book to Dean and shook his head.  
  
“Dad’s stupid, Sam.” Sam looked up at him when he heard Dean utter those words because Dean always said dad wasn’t stupid.  
  
“Hhh!” Sam pointed at Dean, his own eyes were wide and he jumped a little on the chair. “Not. Not.” It’s not the correct words but Sam knew Dean understood him.  
  
“I know and I was wrong. He’s stupid.” Dean said and after awhile, he looked back at Sam smiled and it didn’t look right. “He doesn’t understand.”  
  
Sam nodded and huffed out a lungful of air, dad was stupid and he didn’t understand, he didn’t even try and Sam was sad because he once liked dad because dad was nice before but now he yelled and used loud voices and faugh with Dean and used words that hurt as much as if Sam beat his head against the doorframe and Sam didn’t understand how word could hurt because they were invisible but they could hit very hard and hurt so bad.  
  
“Ere.” Sam tried to explain and put his shaky hand to his chest, his hands always did crazy things Sam didn’t like.  
  
“I know, hurt me too.” Dean shook his head and Sam looked down at the table again. “But he’s not right, Sammy, you’re not stupid.” Dean got up from the chair then, and before Sam had time to register what happened, Dean leaned forward and his forehead is against Sam’s own. “You’re Sam.”  
  
And Sam smiled and nodded because he knew Dean was right. Sam was Sam and that wasn’t stupid. Sam knew that and he liked Dean so much.  
  
  
  
***************  
  
  
  
“Not do it!” Sam yelled and threw the stupid shirt on the floor.  
  
He had tried together with Dean for a very long time that morning to get his clothes on himself, Sam really didn’t like being dressed because that meant unnecessarily touching and Sam really wanted to avoid that, so he had talked Dean into it and now it wasn’t working. Sam really disliked the whole idea of wearing clothes at all.  
  
Why couldn’t they just be naked?  
  
“It’s weekend Sammy.” Dean said and yawned as he straightened his back and picked up the shirt off the floor. “I won’t leave this room ‘til you can do it. You won’t leave either.”  
  
Sam sighed deeply in frustration, took the stupid shirt from Dean and lifted his leg. Wait, that was wrong and Sam knew it. Shirt. Arms. Right. Sam really didn’t like the shirt, it was a nice looking color and was soft and all that, but it just wasn’t his best friend at the moment. Sam started to laugh at that, his shirt wasn’t a best friend ever, Dean was - always had been.  
  
Best friend and brother and Dean had green eyes and Sam had hazel brown, Dean had blondish hair while Sam had brown, Dean was his best friend and Sam lifted one of his arms and tried desperate to get the shirt right and when he finally got it on, it was backwards with the buttons on the back and Sam sighed and threw it away again.  
  
“Sam, seriously.” Dean said and lifted the shirt up again, then he got quiet and he stilled and Sam looked at Dean’s chest. “Alright then.”  
  
Then Dean’s shirt was off too and his muscular chest was bare and Sam liked it, Dean didn’t have boobs like woman did and the girls in Sam’s class, Dean had a flat, muscular chest and Sam really liked that. It felt like Sam’s face was burning and his penis grew and Sam didn’t like it when that happened because he didn’t understand it, so Sam looked away from Dean’s chest but his penis was still growing in his boxer-briefs.  
  
“Loo.. Uh..” Dean’s voice sounded funny and Sam looked up at him from under his bangs which made Dean laugh and his laugh did sound funny too. “You really need a haircut Sammy.” He said, moved a little and Sam followed him with his eyes. “Look, do it like this.”  
  
Dean pulled up the sleeves of his own shirt before he gave Sam’s shirt back to Sam and Sam did the same with his own shirt, pulled up the sleeves and when Dean got one arm in the hole of the sleeve, Sam repeated him and widened his eyes in surprise - he had done it!  
  
Once the stupid shirt was finally on and buttoned up, it was time for the jeans. Sam didn’t like jeans sometimes because they were so firm, but he had learned to handle it and suppress the pain and discomfort and by the time it was time for the jeans, Sam almost fell to his ass but Dean stopped the fall just in time. Sam was very grateful and tried again but failed that time too.  
  
“Well, fuck it.” Dean said and Sam turned his head to the side and wondered what exactly Dean was gonna fuck, then Dean unzipped his own jeans and pulled them down and off.  
  
Huh! Dean’s penis was growing too! And it was already big! Sam looked at it for a few seconds ‘til Dean cleared his throat and Sam made a face and looked up at Dean and could see that Dean’s face was very red. Why was it red? Sam didn’t like it but Dean just smiled and shook his head and Sam didn’t understand.  
  
“Sit down on your bed.” Dean said and Sam did as Dean took a seat on the chair by the desk.  
  
Dean didn’t sleep in their room anymore, the room was by then Sam’s own room but sometimes Dean still slept in Sam’s bed with Sam because Sam wanted him to. Dean did the same as he had done to the shirt, he pulled up the sleeve.. Wait, no, not the sleeve, the leg. And stuck his leg inside.  
  
Sam watched as Dean’s foot appeared in the hole of the jeans leg and Sam did the same as Dean had shown and it worked after a little trouble. Then it was just to stick in the other leg into the jeans and let the foot find its way out. When Sam was dressed and had zipped up his jeans, he smiled brightly at Dean and Dean smiled back.  
  
“I told you Sam, you can do it!” Dean said and Sam nodded.  
  
Then they hugged and it felt different. The hug and Dean felt different and Sam wasn’t sure why but it felt..  
  
  
Beautiful


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> READ!! WARNING!!   
> This chapter involve non-con oral sex / sexual assult oral sex / RAPE BLOW JOB!!

Sam was fourteen years old and he rather talked through the black journal than by voicing it because it was way easier that way and everyone understood him better, even dad sometimes, even if Sam thought dad was still stupid and yelling too much. But Sam had learned to yell back even if he didn’t like it, dad had to understand that Sam could actually hear him and that it hurt when dad said things that weren’t true.  
  
But dad was almost never there anymore, he hunted a lot and Jim was nice and Dean was always there and Dean never yelled with Jim or Sam. Sam was in his bed, wide awake even if he knew he should’ve been sleeping by then because it was dark outside and Sam had brushed his teeth and hair and said goodnight and hugged Dean.  
  
But there was loud noises outside, it almost reminded Sam about storms and thunderstorms but it wasn’t quite the same, it wasn’t as loud and it was lighting the sky so brightly and Sam thought it was beautiful even if it scared him a little. The window was closed but the noise outside was still loud and Sam tried to ignore the light on the sky but after awhile, Sam got out of bed and went to the window to have a look outside.  
  
It was dark, it was still bedtime but there were bright lights outside, almost like the sun but in the color of red and green and the sun was yellow, Sam knew that because yellow was a beautiful color but green was the best. The lights were bright and big and it covered the whole sky and it made loud noises and the sun didn’t, the sun was quiet and Sam didn’t understand as he watched the sky glitter in beautiful colors - but Sam liked it.  
  
And yet he was nervous and fingered the skin on his penis, his penis was hard again and it tickled when Sam touched it the way he was. He wasn’t aware of why it was hard but it didn’t bother him anymore because it felt nice to touch it when it was hard. A kitten ran across the grass outside and Sam opened his mouth in surprise as the legs of it moved so fast and Sam knew the kitten fur wasn’t hard like his penis, kittens were soft and they purred when Sam touched it - his penis didn’t.  
  
The kitten disappeared behind a tree and Sam looked up at the sky which were dark again and Sam blinked a few times, wondered where the colors was and why they disappeared and returned all the time. The sun stayed on the sky until the moon took over the sky and the sun took a nap, that was how people knew it was bedtime, Sam knew that because Dean had told him so.  
  
The light on the sky was back and the noise too and Sam screamed a little and rocked a little harder, he wasn’t scared but the sound were loud but the colors on the sky were green and Sam liked it and touched the window with his index finger of his free hand.  
  
Sam was so fascinated by the colors on the sky that he didn’t hear the soft knocking on the door to his room and Dean said his name and still Sam didn’t hear it because the green colors on the sky had changed into blue and gold and Sam liked it, but he loved the color green becau..  
  
Sam blinked in surprise because the room wasn’t dark anymore and he wondered if it was morning now but the sky was still dark and Dean’s voice was heard somewhere behind him and Sam felt a little guilty because he knew he should be in bed and sleep since it was bedtime but..  
  
“Sky colors.” Sam whispered, squeezed his penis in his hand and it felt nice.  
  
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Dean asked and Sam nodded because it really was but the noise wasn’t beautiful, it was loud and Sam didn’t knew if he liked that.  
  
“It’s fireworks, Sam.” Sam knew Dean was right but he wasn’t totally sure what fireworks was. “I bought some and I thought maybe you wanted to come with me to see it in the sky from outside.”  
  
Sam turned around and looked at Dean’s green eyes and his face was in a lot of colors because of the colors outside and it was beautiful and Dean was beautiful and Sam nodded, he wanted to but he knew he wasn’t allowed to because it was..  
  
“Bedtime.” It came out high and pitched but not wrong and Dean laughed a little.  
  
“Yep, you’re right, it’s bedtime.” Dean said and Sam pouted a little because he felt sad and he lowered his eyes to look at the floor and his penis that he was still touching. “Sam, please, leave your dick alone while I talk to you.”  
  
Sam looked down at his hand that was around his penis and smiled, Dean always said dick and piss and such things and Sam thought it sounded so.. gross, but yet it sounded funny too. After half a minute, he let go of his penis and took his hand out of the boxer-briefs. Dean smiled and Sam did too.  
  
“I don’t think it’d hurt to break the rules for one night to go out and celebrate.” Sam looked up quickly then and Dean was still smiling and Sam was surprised.  
  
“No birthday.” Sam said and he knew that was correct because he knew it was neither his nor Dean’s birthday now.  
  
“No you twat. It’s the forth of July.” Dean said and Sam nodded, he liked the sound of Dean’s voice and the loud noises outside wasn’t as scary anymore because Dean was there.  
  
It took almost an hour for Sam to get dressed but he did it himself and Dean was there to help him if Sam needed him to but Sam didn’t and he smiled proudly when he was done and Dean smiled back and they headed out to the ‘pala which were parked just outside the house and Sam liked that Dean owned it and the lights in the sky was gone by then but they were still sitting in the car and it was dark and Sam didn’t like the darkness very much but he liked Dean and Dean was there.  
  
They drove about half an hour and Sam watched the trees move outside the window and was fascinated that trees could move so quickly and yet be so still for so long. It was only when they were in the car when the trees moved, when they were outside and walking, the trees were still and Sam didn’t understand it. Trees couldn’t talk, he knew that and maybe Sam was a tree too, because he didn’t like to talk either.  
  
Sam laughed and shook his head, of course he wasn’t a tree! He was Sam, a big boy now, fourteen years old and Sam surely didn’t have any green leaves, he had hair. Sometimes he was so stupid and there was so much to think about and it was too much questions in his head all the time and Sam didn’t like it but he laughed anyway because he knew it was funny. Sometimes his head was so stupid.  
  
The ‘pala came to a halt on a field and Sam looked around, it was dark and it was warm in the air and Dean was there and Sam liked that. He knew it was past bedtime and that he should be in bed, sleeping, but he was outside instead, stepped out of the car a little awkwardly and Sam even felt a little guilty but Dean said it was okay and Dean didn’t yell and Sam knew he was right, it was okay to be outside tonight because Dean was there with him.  
  
His stomach tickled a little as Dean took out a big box from the back of the car and it was loaded with something heavy and Sam knew that because Dean had put on a funny face and he sounded weird as he lifted the box a little higher and then he walked away and Sam rocked a little harder because he was standing alone and Dean walked away.  
  
“Are you coming or what?” Dean turned a little and looked at him and Sam took a shaky step forward and wasn’t sure if it was a question or a order and Dean finally told him to come along and Sam did.  
  
It took a few minutes for Dean to get the box right on the ground and Sam counted the minutes out loud while he was rocking back and forth. Dean never got angry with Sam when he did that, dad became angry however and Dean let him count while Dean did other things and Sam thought that was great, Dean was great and Sam really..  
  
“Like Dean.” Sam quit his counting to confirm that and Dean lit something with his lighter before he straightened up, looked at it for a few seconds before he went to stand behind Sam and wrapped his arms around him.  
  
“Dean likes Sam too.” He said and Sam’s stomach tickled a little by the words and the warmth from Dean’s body and the hotness in Sam’s groin and penis and it was getting hard again.  
  
Sam didn’t have much time to think about that because the loud noises and the bright light and colors in different kinds were shouting around them and Sam looked at the box and could see it explode like the car had done in the movie the other day only differently, the exploding yesterday hadn’t been in colors. It was beautiful and loud and Sam didn’t mind it very much.  
  
It was beautiful and Sam took a few steps closer as he bended sideways to get a closer look at the box and the fireworks which were exploding up to the sky and it was beautiful and bright and Sam laughed, he really liked it. Sam jumped a little and clapped his hands because it felt good and he turned to look at Dean and Dean was smiling and Sam smiled back and looked up at the sky which were full of colors and green and Sam was so happy and he laughed and Dean did too.  
  
Dean was beautiful and Sam knew Dean knew Sam knew Dean was beautiful because most of the colors in the box were green and all the thoughts in Sam’s head made him a little more confused but he was happy and he walked quickly - his legs didn’t like it - but Sam had to hug Dean, had to feel him and Dean hugged him back and Dean was..  
  
“Beautiful.” Sam said and looked up at Dean without stopping the hug and Dean smiled and looked down at him too and nodded.  
  
“I know, it’s really beautiful.” He said and Sam huffed out air of annoyance because Dean didn’t understand and Sam wasn’t sure how to explain it either.  
  
“Dean..” He said, the word was correct but it didn’t sound right and his voice were too high and Sam didn’t like it. “Beautiful.”  
  
Dean didn’t say anything and Sam buried his face into Dean’s chest, it was warm and Sam liked it, but he wondered if he had said the words wrong because Dean was quiet and Sam wanted him to talk and he wanted to hug Dean forever and the pain was there but Sam didn’t stop because the pain wasn’t bothering him.  
  
“You think I’m beautiful?” Dean’s voice sounded funny and Sam looked up at him but couldn’t figure out what the emotions there meant and he shook his head.  
  
“Yeah.” He said and his stomach tickled and his penis was fully hard by then and Dean smiled down at him and Sam smiled too.  
  
The fireworks were gone and the green lights on the sky were gone too but Sam stood there in the darkness with his face against Dean’s chest and looked up at him without losing focus on his eyes and Dean was so beautiful and Sam wanted to never stop the hug and it was nice and Sam really liked it.  
  
“Sam’s beautiful too.” Dean said and Sam was on the moon, dancing around in the sky with Dean in his arms and he was happy.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
Sam liked school even if some of his classmates were mean and teased him, Sam still liked the school he went to because the teachers were good and the classes were awesome and he had a friend too. Her name was Ana and she was a girl and she was really nice even if she had a big chest. Sam really didn’t like big chests.  
  
Sam liked flat, muscular chests. Like Dean’s chest.  
  
Ana talked to him when no other did and Sam really liked that, Ana was a nice girl, a nice friend. It was gym class and Sam didn’t like that class, neither did Ana and they skipped it together. Sam had never skipped a class before and he didn’t like it. He just didn’t like gym class more.  
  
When the first bell rang that told Sam the gym class was over, he pushed Ana and her lips away from him and hurried to the side of the schoolyard because he knew Dean was gonna pick him up there but before Dean showed up with the ‘pala, Sam’s English teacher sat down on the bench beside him and Sam really liked him, he was great.  
  
“Hi Sam, how it’s going?” His English teacher - Mr. Williams - asked and Sam smiled and nodded, he was really good, a little disgusted maybe, but good. “I accidentally happened to walk by the cycle racks and saw you and Ana there.”  
  
Oh no! Mr. William was going to tell dad that Sam had been a bad boy by skipping gym class and Sam really didn’t want that, he didn’t want dad to find out and Sam promised God he wouldn’t skip gym class again if God could fix so the teacher wouldn’t tell dad.  
  
“Do you like her, Sam?” Mr. Williams asked and Sam blinked a few times and nodded, he really liked her, she was nice to him, a friend. “Are you in love with her?”  
  
Sam frowned, he had no idea what the teacher was talking about. He knew what love was, it was something great, something families did, like Sam and Dean and Sam and dad but not Dean and dad because they yelled with one another too much and they couldn’t love each other then, Sam figured. But Sam had no idea what ‘in love’ meant.  
  
“When you’re in love with someone, Sam, you feel like you’re flying, you’re happy and you want to be around that person all the time because they make you feel special. And your body can take notice in the feeling too, like being warm all the time or maybe you get an erection when you’re close to that person or think about her.”  Sam laughed and shook his head, he really didn’t feel that about Ana.  
  
“Do you feel that way about Ana?” The teacher asked and Sam shook his head and that was about the time the ‘pala showed up. “One more thing Sam, do you want me to talk to Ana so she won’t kiss you again?” Sam nodded, he really wanted Mr. Williams to talk to her.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
Sam was turning fifteen and dad was there and it was Saturday so there was no school that day and Sam was angry and upset because he didn’t like being in the supermarket and that was where they were at the moment, in the supermarket, buying cake and ice cream and Sam liked ice cream but he surely didn’t like the supermarket.  
  
His heart was beating so fast it hurt, his head was aching and Dean was holding his hand too tightly and people were looking at him funnily and Sam didn’t like it and tried to escape Dean’s grip of his hand but it didn’t work and it ended the only way Sam knew. They were standing still for the moment and Sam didn’t knew why and people were too close and touched him and Sam really didn’t like it because it hurt.  
  
Sam didn’t want to talk because there was too much people around him so instead he started to beat himself on the chest, rocked quite roughly and he felt the tears burn behind his eyelids but he really didn’t want to cry, he wanted Dean to take him away from there and dad was talking now too but Sam couldn’t hear the words.  
  
All Sam was able to hear was the other voices and noises and they were loud and stressed out and there was a kid crying on the other side of them and people was staring and Sam didn’t like it. There was a man in front of them, he had a beard and he looked like Santa because he was too big and too loud and Dean was holding his face now and Sam started to jump a little, he didn’t like it and neither did the people because they were looking and Sam was crying too.  
  
Then there was a different pair of hands around his wrists and Dean’s hand was gone and Sam really didn’t like it and the man who looked like Santa was very close to his face and yelled at him but Sam didn’t hear the words because he was too upset and Sam didn’t like the Santa man, because he yelled too loudly and Sam wanted Dean to take him away from there. Sam really didn’t like the supermarket.  
  
Dad was there too and he yelled as well, then the strange hands disappeared and the Santa was gone and dad was too but Dean was there, holding Sam’s hands and Sam didn’t want him to, Sam wanted to hit himself, to calm down, to walk out of there. Please Dea..  
  
“Please Sam, stop it.” Dean said and Sam didn’t like Dean’s voice because he sounded so sad.  
  
Then Dean wasn’t there anymore and a firm chest was pressed against his cheek and Sam blinked twice, tried to struggle away from dad. He knew it was dad’s chest because it smelled of gunoil, engine of the truck and a lot of sweat. Sam didn’t want dad to hold him like this, Sam really didn’t want to hug dad when he was sad.  
  
“Sam! Listen damn it!” Dad’s voice were loud and angry and Sam didn’t like it and he finally succeeded to get away from dad’s chest and lost his balance and fell to the floor.  
  
Big, rough and angry hands were trying to help him up and Sam pushed the hands away, they were painful and Sam didn’t like it and he screamed, he didn’t want to be touched, Sam wanted to get outta there and he had never liked the supermarket because it was too much people, too much voices and noises and it wasn’t fun and Sam didn’t understand because nobody else reacted just as badly as he did and he wanted to knew why and how and when and what.  
  
It got to be too much and Sam lifted himself up a little only to threw his head back forcefully against the cold and hard stone floor and he didn’t stop until he heard the word blood and then he couldn’t see and his head hurt and his heart was beating so quickly and it hurt, his body and head hurt and Sam just wanted Dean to take him away from there. Then Sam didn’t want anymore because it got dark in front of his eyes for real and the pain and confusion disappeared.  
  
“It’s alright now, baby, it’s alright. We’re not in the supermarket anymore.” It was Dean’s voice and it sounded different and Sam eyes were closed and the room smelled very clean and gross and Sam didn’t like it and he wrinkled his nose in disgust.  
  
“Da?” It came out wrong, too short and slurred and his voice sounded thick and Sam didn’t understand.  
  
“Dad’s down in the cafeteria and buying some coffee.” Dean’s warm hand was in Sam’s hair and Sam liked the touch but his head hurt so much. “We’re in the hospital.”  
  
They were? Sam blinked his eyes opened and the room was bright and the bed was soft and Dean’s hand was warm and Sam wasn’t sure if he liked it or not, why were they in..  
  
“Hospital?” Sam asked and it was too short, there was no way Dean would understand and Sam got frustrated and sighed as he looked over at Dean and focused his eyes to stay on him for a minute or two before they flickered away.  
  
“Yeah, you hit your head so hard that dad had to call an ambulance.” Dean said and Sam knew he was sad because Dean’s voice was too quiet and too calm and Sam didn’t want Dean to be sad.  
  
Sam looked up at him again and sat up a little awkwardly since his head still hurt and he felt too heavy somehow but he knew how to get Dean to smile again and not be so sad. Last week Sam walked into Dean’s room without knocking and Dean had had his mouth on a girls and Sam knew it was called kissing because he had kissed a girl too behind the locker of the gym outside the school and it was wet and had Dean looked like he liked it because he had smiled but Sam didn’t like to kiss the girl because he didn’t like girls but he liked Dean.  
  
Sam brought his arm up to get it around Dean’s shoulder, his hand on Dean’s neck and it felt very different from the girl and Sam had birds living in his stomach again and he liked it, it tickled and Sam pulled Dean’s neck as he leaned up a little and placed a kiss on Dean’s soft mouth and Sam liked it very much it didn’t feel like the girl at all and it was Dean. Then dad was there too, coffee was on the floor and Sam didn’t understand the emotions on dad’s face but Sam knew it wasn’t anger.  
  
“Uh..” Dad made a funny sound and Sam looked away from him, caressed Dean’s neck once with a clumsy thumb before he took his hand back and smiled. “I’ll get the cleaning lady.” And then dad was gone and Dean laughed but it didn’t sound normal.  
  
“What was that?” Dean’s voice was thick and sounded weird and Sam narrowed his eyes a little at the stupid question.  
  
“Yes.” Sam said and his voice sounded weird too. “Of course a kiss.”  
  
“Ah, I see.” Dean said and Sam looked up at the ceiling and it was new and white and boring with no spots and no dirt and there was nothing he could count and decided to count how much rice he ate yesterday. “Did you like it?”  
  
Sam heard the question very well but ignored it however because Dean knew Sam liked it because Dean had as well and it was stupid and it had felt good and Sam wanted to do it again but wasn’t sure if he dared to and Dean was quiet and Sam knew he was waiting for a replay and Sam nodded and smiled a little. Rice was boring to count.  
  
“One kiss.” That was something he could count however, but it wasn’t totally true because.. “Sam kiss a girl, not good. Kissing Dean good.”  
  
Dean’s hand was back in his hair and Sam closed his eyes against the smooth caresses of Dean’s hand and it felt really great and Sam liked it. It was Sam’s birthday and they should eat..  
  
“Cake.” And.. “Ice cream.” And.. “Kiss Dean.”  
  
“Why?” Dean asked and Sam laughed, sometimes Dean could be stupid too. “Why do you want to kiss me?”  
  
“Sam’s birthday. There should be cake.. Like ice cream.. Kiss Dean.. Sam’s birthday.” Sam explained and smiled, it really felt good to kiss Dean.  
  
“You want to kiss Dean because it’s your birthday?” Dean asked and the hand was moving in Sam’s hair and Sam nodded and the hand stilled for a moment and it was good.  
  
“Yes.” It was a clear answer and Sam smile grew even wider and then dad was there again and a lady with a mop.  
  
Sam watched the floor getting wet and Dean’s hand in his hair wasn’t gone and it felt okay and Sam wanted ice cream, the one they had bought at the supermarket before the ambulance had picked them up. Sam wondered if the ‘pala was in the parking lot way or if it was far, far away from the hospital and how would they be able to go home if it was?  
  
“Pala?” Sam looked up at dad who was standing a little bit closer and dad wasn’t smiling but he wasn’t crying either, there was a weird emotion on his face but Sam couldn’t see what it was because he had never seen it before.  
  
“The ‘pala is outside and once the doctor has checked upon you, done a few tests and the shrink has been here to talk a little with you, we’ll be able to drive home.” The words were too many and Sam sighed and looked at Dean instead, Dean was able to explain it a lot better than dad.  
  
But Dean was quiet and he too had a emotion on his face that Sam didn’t understand and he got frustrated because Sam wanted to understand, he didn’t want Dean to look at him the way he was and it felt weird and not so good and Sam didn’t like it. Sam turned his head away and sighed, he was sad again.  
  
“We’ll go home soon.” Dean said and his voice sounded sad and Sam didn’t want Dean to be sad but he didn’t want Dean to look at him like that either so Sam didn’t turn his head to look at him again.  
  
It took exactly half an hour before the doctor came into the room and when she was there, she helped Sam sit up and she was too close and Sam made a grimace because the boobs on her chest touched his arm as she helped him sit up and it was gross and yucky and Dean laughed and Sam shook his head and whimpered because he really didn’t like it.  
  
Dean’s hand in Sam’s hair was gone and replaced with the woman doctor’s fingers and she was touching and it really hurt and Sam didn’t like it because his head hurt and he had tears in his eyes and he didn’t want to cry because he wasn’t sad and then her fingers were gone too and Sam turned his head away from the doctor as she started to talk to him and he sighed in annoyance, her voice was way too high and soft and not at all like Dean’s.  
  
Only four minutes later, Sam’s other doctor came into the room and Sam smiled because that doctor was a man and Sam knew this because he had big and rough hands, he didn’t have boobs on his chest and he didn’t smell like flowers and didn’t talk like the woman doctor did and Sam smiled and looked at the doctor’s hands and liked them.  
  
Dad’s mouth were very close to the doctor’s ear and Sam knew there was words he couldn’t hear because dad moved his mouth like he was talking and it looked funny because there was no sound and maybe dad wasn’t talking at all, maybe dad was..  
  
“Kiss doc Rob ear.” Sam said and laughed, Dean did too and it sounded almost normal and not quite as sad and Sam liked that.  
  
Then dad and Dean left the room and the Man doctor was there with Sam and he was writing in his notebook and Sam tried to see the words but couldn’t and turned his head upwards instead to watch the boring white ceiling and there was still nothing for him to count.  
  
“I can see you’ve trouble with the ceiling. Tell me why.” The doctor said and his voice were friendly and didn’t sound like a woman and Sam liked that and shook his head in answer.  
  
“No spots, no counting.” Sam counted anyway and wasn’t really sure what but there was always numbers in his head.  
  
“Ah, I see.” The man doctor said and he was probably nodding because you should nod like Dean did if you said things like that. “I heard what happened at the supermarket, Sam. Don’t you like it there?”  
  
Sam shook his head and sighed, he hadn’t been at the supermarket many times but he knew it was too much people there that was looking and staring and touching and talking and it was too much and Sam shook his head again. Too much words and too much noises and kids. Sam really..  
  
“Don’t like kids.” Sam made a grimace and sighed. “Too much noise in..” There was a fly who chose that moment to sit down on Sam’s nose and Sam laughed and waved it away. “Don’t like much noise.”  
  
“Yeah, sometimes the supermarket is very loud with all kinds of noises, I understand it’s difficult for you.” Man doctor Robert said and Sam nodded and looked at his own thumb and could see the pattern there and frowned a little. “What more happened today, Sam?”  
  
Sam looked at his other fingers too and it had the same pattern on each and every of them, it was small and tiny but Sam could see them because for him it was big and clear. Maybe he was gotten old because old people had patterns everywhere on their body, even dad had patterns and wrinkles on his face but dad was much older than Sam and today was..  
  
“Sam’s birthday.” He said and smiled, he really liked it and he wanted his.. “Ice cream for dinner.” Sam laughed because it came out wrong and he shook his head. “After dinner, dad says.”  
  
The Man doctor was quiet for awhile and Sam could hear that he was writing and Sam was gonna write too in the book he got from Dean this morning, Sam was gonna write in his new book that he had kissed Dean and that it had felt really good, not at all like kissing Ana behind the locker gym at school.  
  
“You’re really good at correcting yourself, it’s the first time you do that, right?” It was a question and Sam knew that because it was said in that way and Sam nodded.  
  
It was the first time and it surprised him a little that he had actually done it, correcting himself was something he never used to do before. The pen was moving again and Sam looked at it and moved fast and Man doctor Robert was holding the pen in a weird way and Sam smiled because it looked funny, he liked the orange color of the pen but mostly he liked green.  
  
“Your father..” The man doctor started but Sam turned his head quickly to look at him with anger and the man doctor smiled a little. “Sorry, your dad told me you kissed Dean today. Why did you do that?” Doctor Robert asked and he looked at Sam with a smile and Sam smiled back.  
  
“Of course.” Sam nodded but he knew he should say more. “Dean’s beautiful.”  
  
Doctor Robert wrote in the notepad again and Sam watched the pen move in a quick movement over the paper and he laughed when the pen got to a grim halt  because it looked kinda weird and Sam tried to look again at what the man doctor Robert had written but couldn’t see the words because he notepad was in the wrong angle and Sam didn’t like it, he wanted to see the words.  
  
“Sam, I want you to think about something really hard, okay?” Sam nodded, put his head to the side and started to think but he had no idea what he should be thinking about. “Do you know what it means to be in love?”  
  
Did he? Sam thought about it for awhile and nodded at the end because he did knew what in love meant. His English teacher in school had talked about it that day Sam kissed the girl - or rather, she kissed him - and the teacher had explained to Sam how it felt to be in love and had also asked Sam if he was in love with Ana.  
  
Sam wasn’t.  
  
Sam didn’t like girls, and the girl who kissed him wasn’t sending birds and butterflies in his stomach and he didn’t think of her all the time and he surely didn’t like her lips or boobs or her too long hair or her wet kisses that didn’t smell and taste like Dean. Sam wasn’t quite sure a boy could be in love with another boy but Sam felt that way about Dean.  
  
His stomach and body had birds inside who flied around whenever Dean was near, Sam thought of him all the time - Dean smelled good, Sam missed Dean when Dean was at work, Dean was beautiful, Sam wanted to smell him more than often, Dean understood him and the kiss had been great, not wet at all and no boobs - that was just a tiny part of the thoughts and Sam smiled.  
  
He knew what in love was.  
  
“Yes.” Sam looked at the man doctor and it took almost a entire minute for his eyes to focus and only a second to stir away. “Sam in love with Dean.”  
  
Man doctor Robert was quiet for a long time and even the pen stopped writing in the notepad, Sam didn’t understand the emotion on his face. Sam got frustrated because he wanted to knew what the doctor thought and felt about it, why he was so quiet and Sam didn’t like it, he wanted to man doctor to tell him if..  
  
“It normal?” He asked and Robert smiled but it didn’t look right and Sam looked away and sighed.  
  
“It’s normal for you to be in love with another boy, Sam.” The doctor said and Sam could clearly hear that he was telling the truth. “But you shouldn’t love Dean that way.”  
  
Sam narrowed his eyes and frowned, Man doctor Robert had just told him it was okay for Sam to be in love with other boys and then he said it wasn’t and Sam didn’t understand how it was logical because doctor Robert had just said it was okay and then he denied it and it made Sam confused and sad because he wasn’t sure how the doctor could say two different things on the same subject.  
  
“Listen to me, Sam. Dean’s your brother and that makes it not okay to be in love with him. He can even go to jail if you kiss him again and you won’t ever be able to see him again.” It was too many words and Sam was only able to hear one phrase of the whole sentence and it scared him and tears welled up in his eyes.  
  
“Sam never again see.” He asked, voice thick of tears and he started to cry. “Dean never leave Sam. Dad do.”  
  
It was true, dad always left and didn’t understand and was always angry or sad or old or all at the same time and Dean wouldn’t leave him, Sam knew that because Dean had said so. It took Sam only a second in shear panic to get out of the bed and he ran out of the room, Sam heard doctor Robert call his name but Sam didn’t care, Sam wanted to find Dean, hug him and make him not leave.  
  
Dad and Dean was outside the door and Sam’s tears were thick and wet on his cheeks and he buried his head in Dean’s chest and cried as his arms wrapped themselves around Dean’s waist. Dean was there. It still hurt and Dean should..  
  
“Never le-lee-leave Sam.” He sobbed and sniffed and tears were running free and Dean’s arms were around him too and it hurt, Sam’s whole body hurt and his heart too.  
  
“I’ll never leave ya, buddy.” Dean whispered in Sam’s ear and his voice were thick with tears too and Sam knew he wouldn’t leave.  
  
Dad was there too and to Sam’s surprise, dad carefully wrapped his arms around him too and hugged him from the side, chin on Sam’s head and Sam bent his head up and buried his face in dad’s neck. It was warm and scratchy and Sam could feel when dad swallowed which he did very often and Sam took in the smell of dad and cried some more. He’d really prefer if..  
  
“Dad stay too.” Sam whispered and dad laughed a little, his grip around Sam got tighter and for once, Sam didn’t feel the pain.  
  
“Yes, Sam. I’ll stay for awhile and I’ll always be back.” Dad’s voice were thick too and he was crying, Sam knew that because dad almost never did but when he did his voice got weird.  
  
One hour later, they were back at Jim’s house, Sam was fifteen years old and he fell asleep that night in his dad’s arms for the first time since he was a baby and it felt great to be understood and loved. Sam loved his dad too, just not in the same way he loved Dean.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
A boy named Theodore - hard name to say, seriously - had been with him all day and Sam wasn’t sure if he liked it or not, the older boy was almost as old as Dean and he was nicer than Sam’s classmates, Sam decided, but Sam wasn’t sure if he liked it or not because when Dean picked him up and Theodore walked Sam to the ‘pala and said goodbye, Dean didn’t like him.  
  
Dean didn’t say so of course, but Sam wasn’t stupid, he was Sam, he had hazel eyes and brown hair and Sam knew by Dean’s voice that Dean didn’t liked Theodore and Sam wasn’t sure he did either because Dean didn’t and if Dean didn’t, then Sam didn’t either.  
  
“Who was that?” Dean asked after a while of driving the ‘pala and Sam looked at Dean’s thigh.  
  
Theodore was a hard name to say and Sam wasn’t sure what to call him and it made Sam frustrated, because he knew the words in his head correctly, but his mouth and voice didn’t want to cooperate with him and not for the first time that day, he felt stupid. Sam always felt stupid at school, because nobody talked with him. Nobody but Theodore, Theodore that Dean didn’t like.  
  
“Theodre.” Sam answered and he had been right, his voice surely didn’t cooperate. “Don’t like De.”  
  
Dean was quiet for a long time until the car pulled to a halt and Sam looked out through the window and narrowed his eyes, they weren’t at home, they weren’t at Jim’s house, they were in the woods and there was no cars and no house and Sam didn’t like it.  
  
“He doesn’t like me?”  
  
Who? Sam wondered, then he remembered and realized he had said the wrong thing and Dean misunderstood. Dean never misunderstood Sam, just sometimes but it wasn’t often and Sam felt so stupid, he didn’t want to make Dean angry, he didn’t want Dean to misunderstand. Sam looked at Dean and blinked twice as their eyes meet, Dean looked angry.  
  
“De not like ‘im.” Sam said and Dean nodded slowly, then he shook his head and sighed and Sam was confused.  
  
“I didn’t.. I wasn’t.. Uh..” Dean sounded weird all the sudden and then he broke the eye contact with Sam and rubbed the bridge of his nose with two fingers.  
  
Dean had a blue T-shirt, a pair of black jeans, his old dirty school and dad’s old leather jacket that smelled exactly like the backseat of the ‘pala. Sam liked the ‘pala. Sam was in love with Dean. He had birds in his stomach, he always had when Dean was around. Just like the teacher had said he would if he was in love.  
  
“I’m not angry, Sam. I just..” Dean got quiet again and Sam knew he left something out and Sam really didn’t like it and huffed out air in annoyance so that his bangs lifted and fell back to his face and Dean made eye contact again. “Is he your friend?”  
  
Sam thought about it for a long time, then he shrugged his shoulders because he really wasn’t sure and broke the eye contact because his eyes lost focus and Sam didn’t like it,  he wanted to look at Dean’s green eyes and Theodore had green eyes too. He was kinda cute, Sam decided.  
  
“Sam..” Dean said and then there was a hand on his cheek and Sam was forced to look directly into Dean’s eyes and Dean’s eyes were green and big. “You’re seriously gonna be the death of me.”  
  
Sam hadn’t time to think that through, because Dean was moving in the ‘pala, the hand on Sam’s cheek grabbed his neck carefully and Sam widened his eyes, he wasn’t sure what Dean was doing but if Dean came closer than that, he was surely gonna feel Sam’s penis and Sam’s penis was very hard.  
  
Dean smiled when he was in very close to Sam’s face and Sam smiled back, blinked a few times and closed his eyes as Dean’s lips touched his. It was soft and careful and different from the first time at the hospital, not as desperate and yet it felt like Sam wanted more and fisted his hand in Dean’s T-shirt and Sam made a noise in the back of his throat, a noise he hadn’t ever heard himself do before.  
  
It felt nice and Dean’s wet tongue licked Sam’s lower lip and Sam gasped and made the sound again and that was when Dean’s tongue slipped through Sam’s lips and into his mouth. Sam opened his eyes widely as he shifted his position and Dean smiled against his mouth but didn’t break the kiss and Sam closed his eyes again and felt Dean’s tongue tickle his own and Sam carefully moved his own and heard Dean make a noise too.  
  
Dean’s hand on Sam’s neck was moving and then Dean broke the kiss and pulled back his hand and Sam didn’t open his eyes, he was breathless, he wanted to kiss some more and Dean tasted so good. Dean’s warm hand was placed on Sam’s cheek again and it felt warm and nice and Sam opened his eyes only to see a huge smile on Dean’s face.  
  
“You always say I’m beautiful.” Dean said slowly and Sam opened his mouth to answer but Dean placed a finger at his lips and caressed it. “You’re beautiful, Sam. Dangerously beautiful.”  
  
Beautiful. Dean thought Sam was beautiful. Dean was in love with Sam too. Or that was what Sam wished anyway but he had no idea how to ask and Dean just smiled and Sam smiled back because there was no other thing he could do. Dean was happy. And they had kissed. Again. Sam squeezed his penis through his jeans, it was hard and it hurt and Dean cleared his throat, pulled his hand back and started the ‘pala again, then there was no trees and there was cars again.  
  
Sam missed the quiet.  
  
When they got home, Sam went into the kitchen and wrote in his book, dad was out on a hunt, Jim was in the church and Dean was in the living room watching a laugh show on TV. Sam wrote in the book ‘til Dean said it was dinner and ordered a pizza each to them. Sam really didn’t like pizza, but he liked Dean.  
  
“About Theodore..” Dean said once the pizza had arrived and they were sitting in the kitchen. “I think it’s great you’ve got a friend, Sam.” Dean said and Sam nodded, but Dean’s voice sounded weird and Sam knew it was more to it and he was right because Dean added: “Just.. Please be careful.”  
  
Sam promised he would but had no idea what he should be careful for.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
Sam was still fifteen years old, it was fall and school had just started, Sam was a really big boy now because he had a friend who called himself Theo but his real name was Theodore but it was too hard for Sam to say that so he said Theo instead. Theo had green eyes, almost like Dean’s, he had brown hair and he was very cute and Sam liked him a lot, not just as much as he liked Dean.  
  
Theo understood him, one of the few people who actually did. Sam wasn’t sure what it was that made him so different from other kids his age, but he knew he’d have to find out about it soon. Because Sam knew it wasn’t right people kept that secret from him when it was all about Sam and Sam knew he had a right to knew.  
  
Dean knew too for sure but dad was dad and Sam knew it was dad who should tell him because Sam had once been a sperm in dad’s penis and Sam was dad’s son so it should be dad who told him and Sam knew he shouldn’t knew, everyone tried to keep it hidden from him and Sam just wanted to knew what it was and if he was alone with whatever it was that made him different or if there was other people living the same way with too many things to think about.  
  
“Come on, Sam. We don’t have time for this!” Theo talked loudly but he didn’t yell and Sam smiled because he knew Theo liked him too.  
  
“Time for this, no time for this.” Sam mimicked Theo’s words and voice and he really didn’t like it but Theo just laughed.  
  
They had been friends for a few months and Theo laughed every now and then at Sam’s habits that so wasn’t funny but Theo seemed to think they were and Sam didn’t understand but he liked Theo and laughed too. They were walking home that day, the first time Sam was allowed to go somewhere alone and it was great.  
  
But it took almost an hour for them to walk, not that it was very far because it wasn’t, it was like 321 steps and just the second block from the school but there was so much to look at and listen to and Theo stayed to watch too when Sam did and for the first time in his entire life, Sam was happy to have a friend which he hadn’t never had before if he didn’t count Dean and Ana.  
  
Since Sam had been hanging out with Theo, Sam had tried to change a little things about himself, just some stuff and sometimes it was really difficult and Sam didn’t like it and instead of rocking himself when he was nervous, scared or just wanted to, he had started to touch his penis that wasn’t good either, Dean said so anyway and Sam understood.  
  
Dean said Sam should only do that when he was alone and Sam didn’t knew what else to do than to touch himself down there if he quit rocking forever. It felt good, it calmed him down and it just felt good. It wasn’t wrong, Sam knew that because Dean had told him so, but Sam should only do it alone ‘til he wanted to do it with someone else who wanted to do it with him too.  
  
Sam shook his head and rocked a little - couldn’t help himself - as Theo unlocked the door to his home, it was a big house it was quiet and nobody was home. It smelled of trees, cleaning water and boys. Theo had three younger brothers and Sam knew them because they were in his class. Theo was three years older than him, almost four, like Dean.  
  
They walked upstairs, the stairs were big and dangerous and it took Sam almost two minutes to climb them with a uncomfortable and awkward movement in his body, his body had started to act and move more and more strange since the day Sam turned fifteen and sometimes his body hurt everywhere, it felt like the bones were about to break free from his skin and it was really painful, especially at nights.  
  
Theo was patient and waited for Sam on the top of the stairs, watched him with a careful eye and Sam knew that because Dean used to do that all the time too and Sam smiled because he liked it. Sam wanted friends and he was friends with Theo, Sam really liked Theo but not as much as he liked Dean.  
  
When Sam reached the top of the stairs, Theo took a few steps back and it felt much easier to breath for Sam, it always felt easier to breath when people gave him some space. The only one Sam allowed to get really close all the time was Dean because Dean was special and..  
  
“This is my room.” Theo interrupted Sam’s thoughts and Sam watched as the older boy - his friend - opened the second door in the small hallway and walked through the doorway.  
  
It took Sam awhile to get to the doorframe and it was really nice, the doorframe was blue, the door was white and the room was dark. Sam blinked a few times after he took two steps into the room and it smelled very weird and Sam frowned and looked around a little shyly.  
  
Sam had never seen another boys room before except his own and Dean’s because Sam had never had any friends before and it was really nice and big and dark and smelled very weird. The walls were white and the roof had lighting stars and a big moon was on the wall closest to the bed. The bed cover was black and Theo sat on it, watched Sam look around.  
  
“What do you think of my room, Sam?” Theo asked and Sam blinked a few times more because he..  
  
“Don’t like dark.” Sam said and frowned a little, he had never liked the darkness and Sam knew it wasn’t safe there because Dean wasn’t there to keep Sam safe.  
  
“Sit down and I’ll light the room.” Theo said, his voice weren’t angry but it wasn’t happy either and Sam wanted to go home.  
  
But Jim said it was okay and Dean seemed to like Theo now because he was Sam’s friend and it was okay and Sam knew that because Dean and Jim had told him so. Dad had too. Sam walked slowly to the bed and sat down clumsily on the edge of it, far away from Theo and looked down at the floor that was filled with clothes and it was dirty and the room was bright then and not dark and Sam blinked a few times because his eyes had gotten used to the darkness but he was more happy now when the lights were on because Sam didn’t like the dark.  
  
Sam unpacked his backpack, he was there to study and help Theo get through the math and Sam knew math and smiled. Sometimes numbers were boring but it was something Sam knew for sure and he liked that. Theo didn’t like math and numbers however and Sam wanted to help him. He opened the book and smiled at the numbers there and he needed just one look and he knew the answer because Sam knew numbers like dad knew monsters.  
  
“Sam, do you want to show me now or what?” Theo asked and Sam looked up at him before he lowered his eyes quickly and nodded.  
  
He opened the book a little more, felt Theo move closer and Sam pointed at the tale there and Theo looked like a question mark and Sam laughed a little before he took the pen and the notepad, he knew he didn’t need it but Sam knew Theo did because Dean did too. Dean wasn’t too good with math either and Sam helped him very much when Dean needed it, Sam figured he could help Theo the same way.  
  
Sam gripped the pen, let the math book rest in his lap as he wrote the tale they had been looking at before in the notebook and Sam smiled when he did the stands and curves he knew a little too well and before he showed how it was done, Sam looked up at Theo and he was frowning and Sam smiled because that was how Dean looked too when it came to math and he looked cute and Sam thought Theo did too.  
  
Then Sam wrote the numbers the way he knew was needed so Theo would be able to understand and when Sam was done, it took him 34 seconds to look up at Theo again and Sam could see that he was slowly getting it because his smile grew wider and Sam liked it.  
  
Theo tried it too but with a tale from his own book and it worked out very well and Sam laughed as Theo smiled widely towards him and it felt good to Sam to knew he could help someone too. They sat on the bed for almost two hours, doing their homework and when Sam was done, he looked around in the room for awhile, then he picked up the new book Dean gave Sam on his birthday. It was heavy and black, like the ‘pala and Dean had written in this one too.  
  
Sam wrote in it for awhile, words his mind concentrated on and when he was done, Sam also noticed that Theo was done with his homework and the older boy was looking at Sam with a very weird look on his face and Sam didn’t knew if he liked it or not but he knew he didn’t understand it. Then Theo got up from the bed and Sam watched a little from the inside of his own mind as his friend took out a movie, put it in the movie player and turned on the big TV.  
  
“This is a very good movie, Sam. I bet you‘ve never seen anything like it before.” Theo said and the movie started and Theo was back on the bed again and Sam looked at the TV and smiled.  
  
He really liked movies, he had seen a big gray rabbit jumping into its hole in the ground after having a hunt for a carrot and Sam had also seen every Disney movie that had ever been made and Sam really liked it. The movie they were watching started out great with a storyline about kids Sam didn’t knew and he was pretty sure he had never seen them before.  
  
There was a Tivoli with a lot of people and doings, like cars that moved around a lot and they weren’t on the ground but in the sky and Sam liked it. Then, without being warned, the room turned dark and Sam looked towards the door and Theo was walking back to the bed in the darkness and Sam didn’t like the movie anymore or the sound the TV made.  
  
“Look at that! That’s a clown!” Theo said and his voice sounded funny and Sam looked at the big TV after a few seconds.  
  
The clown was there and Sam had never seen a painted man before and laughed, the painted man looked really.. OH! Sam covered his ears and closed his eyes tightly and he started to rock very fast and rough on the bed. The painted man had big, sharp teeth and his smile wasn’t funny anymore and Sam wanted to cry because the noise only got louder and the kids were crying and Sam didn’t like it.  
  
Then TV got quiet again but when Sam slowly opened his eyes, he quickly squeezed them shut again because the man with paint on his face was still there and it was dark in the room and Theo was so close and Sam didn’t like it at all. All he wanted to do was to go home, but he didn’t knew the way and he didn’t knew where Theo’s phone was so he could call home and Sam didn’t knew what to do anymore and at the end of it all, he started to cry.  
  
“The clown is eating kids like you, Sam. And he’ll come inside your room tonight and eat you, it’ll hurt really bad.” Theo said and Sam didn’t understand.  
  
Sam didn’t want the clown to eat him! He didn’t want it to hurt bad. Sam wasn’t sure what to do, he didn’t want to be there anymore and he didn’t want it to be night because he didn’t want the painted man in his room, eating and hurting him! Sam screamed because he didn’t knew what else to do, there was nowhere else for him to go and he was trapped there, like he was trapped in his own mind sometimes.  
  
“Sam, listen to me damn it!” Theo yelled and Sam snapped his eyes opened and looked at him, Theo looked angry and Sam didn’t want to be friends anymore.  
  
“Sam go home.” Sam whispered and his chin was shaking really bad and tears were on his chin and in his eyes. “Sam want home.” He said a little louder and his own voice scared him.  
  
“And let the clown eat you?” Theo asked and Sam shook his head, he wouldn’t be eaten if he was home with Dean because Dean wouldn’t let a painted man eat Sam at night. “Sam, I’m the only one who can help you. Nobody else can.”  
  
Nobody? But Dean would! He was always there for Sam and Sam knew that because dad had mistakenly brought a ghost home from a hunt gone wrong and Sam had been nine years old then and he barely remembered it but he knew Dean had been there and dad had been too, dad had said funny things and he had also cried a little and there had been the adult soda and Dean had shot the ghost when it came too close to Sam and Sam knew that because he remembered it.  
  
Wouldn’t Dean be able to save him now? Was Theo the only one who could? Why was the clown coming for Sam? What did Theo mean when he had said ‘kids like you’? There was a blur of questions in Sam’s head and he didn’t want to cry anymore, he didn’t want the clown to eat him and he wanted to go home but he didn’t want it to be dark outside and Theo looked at him and Sam nodded slowly, his heart was beating so fast and he was so scared of what might happen tonight.  
  
“Will you let me help you, Sam?” Theo asked and Sam nodded again, more firmly that time and Theo smiled and Sam looked away from him.  
  
Theo was on the bed again and he touched Sam’s penis through the jeans and Sam didn’t want him to and it felt nice and Sam shook his head and sobbed, his mind said one thing, his body another and Sam didn’t understand it and didn’t like it. Then Theo unzipped his jeans and Sam shook his head a little more and tried to get up but Theo pushed him back down and Sam hit his head against the wall by the bed and it hurt.  
  
“Do you want the clown to eat you tonight or what?!” Theo asked, his voice weren’t nice and friendly anymore, it was angry and sounded weird and Sam shook his head because he didn’t want the clown in his room. “Then let me save you, I’ll only suck your cock and the clown won’t come.”  
  
Sam thought about it, was Theo gonna suck his penis like a lollipop? But that meant his penis would disappear and be in Theo’s stomach and Sam didn’t want that. But he didn’t want the clown to eat him either and Sam sighed in frustration and he knew he had one chance to survive and if that meant Sam had to lose his penis, he would let Theo do it and Sam nodded.  
  
Sam’s penis was already hard and it felt nice when Theo touched it but Sam shook his head because dad and Dean always said to him not to do this with another person if he didn’t want to and Sam didn’t want to but his body surely did and Sam didn’t understand it and he didn’t like it and he started to cry again, he opened his mouth widely but not a sound came out when Theo took Sam’s penis into his mouth and it hurt really bad and it was nice too and Sam cried a little harder but didn’t say anything.  
  
It didn’t take long before a thunderstorm shout right through Sam’s body, hot and cold water was running down on Sam all over and it felt nice and wrong and horrifying and Sam screamed because it hurt and his penis twisted and Theo moved his mouth and tightened his lips and Sam didn’t knew what to do.  
  
A short time later, Sam’s penis wasn’t hard any longer and his body didn’t work and Theo wasn’t there and Sam blinked a few times and tried to sit up but fell to the floor. Sam didn’t like it at all and it felt wrong and he wanted to take a shower and didn’t really understand why and dad and Dean was gonna be angry because Sam hadn’t wanted to but he hadn’t had another choice and now they would be angry at him and Theo was there again and the room was bright again and Sam was still on the floor.  
  
Theo helped him up and Sam started to rock really hard when Theo was in front of his penis and that was the first time Sam realized that yes, his penis was still there but it still felt wrong and he was still crying and rocking and he wanted to go home to Dean. Theo helped Sam with his jeans, zipped them up and smiled at Sam when he got on his feet and Sam took a step back and covered his ears and closed his eyes.  
  
He knew that Theo could still see him but it helped a little that Sam couldn’t see Theo and then, out of nowhere, Sam heard the roar of the ‘pala and Sam smiled, Dean was there and the clown wouldn’t come tonight and had helped him but it didn’t feel right and Sam lost his smile.  
  
“You can’t tell anyone about this.” Theo said and his voice weren’t nice and calm but loud and angry and Sam shook his head because Dean knew everything and he’d knew about this too.  
  
“No, no, no. You not tell.” Sam said and blinked up at the ceiling which was ugly and gross and the doorbell sounded very loudly and Sam was tired and sad and uncovered his ears. “Dean knows.”  
  
“No, he doesn’t. And you won’t tell him! If you tell Dean about this, the clown will eat him too.” Theo said and that was too much for Sam and he broke down in tears.  
  
Theo took Sam’s backpack, slung it over his shoulder and pushed Sam out of the room, down the stairs and Sam was about to fall all the time and it was a miracle he didn’t and Sam couldn’t stop crying and Theo wasn’t nice anymore and surely..  
  
“No friends.” Sam whispered over and over again and didn’t stop until he threw himself into Dean’s strong and safe arms.  
  
It didn’t take long before they were home and Sam cried all the way there but he was quiet and Dean was quiet and the car was quiet and Sam knew Dean was looking at him but he didn’t knew why. Sam’s penis hurt and he didn’t like it and that night, after a long shower, Sam climbed into bed with Dean and didn’t fell asleep until Dean kissed him and Sam smiled a little. He knew that together, they wouldn’t be eaten and he turned around in the too small bed and fell asleep with Dean’s arms around him.  
  
 _He was safe._  
  



	5. Chapter 5

Two months later and with absolutely no help from Dean, Sam felt completely lost. He wrote about what happened in his diary, but Dean couldn’t read it because Sam had hid it and Sam knew Dean questioned it because Dean always got to read what Sam wrote but at the moment Sam didn’t want him to and he wasn’t sure why.

  
Sam just didn’t want to show him because he knew Dean was gonna get mad and Sam knew that because Theo had told him so a lot of times and Sam knew he wasn’t friend with Theo anymore and to be honest, Sam liked it that way. It was weird being around Theo after what happened and Sam didn’t knew why and he didn’t understand it and it felt sad but mostly Sam was sad because it had happened in the first place.

  
Sam knew he broke a promise to Dean and dad that day and it scared him to knew they’d be angry at him if they knew. So Sam wrote it in his diary, hid it under the mattress of his bed and didn’t let anyone else but himself see it and it was almost filled with words already. Angry words and Sam didn’t like it but he did too in another way because he wasn’t so angry when he had been writing.  
  
That day, Jim picked Sam up from school and Sam wasn’t used to it because it was mostly Dean who picked him up or he walked home, Jim never drove him home but that day he did and Sam pouted because he wanted the ‘pala and the truck Jim used was too big and Jim had to help Sam up in it and Sam didn’t like it.  
  
Sam had been quite angry since the visit at Theodore and he wasn’t sure why and he surely didn’t like to be angry and loud but he was and he didn’t understand it. He just felt wrong and scared and Sam knew Dean wasn’t aware and that was wrong because Dean always knew about everything but not about Theodore and Sam was angry because he wanted Dean to knew and he was scared too, scared that Dean would be angry at him if he found out what Sam had done back then.  
  
But if Dean was angry, then Sam was too because Dean shouldn’t have been angry if he knew why Sam did it. Sam looked out of the window of the big truck that smelled nice and roses and he sighed in frustration and anger. Dean tried to talk, to ask why Sam was so angry but Sam didn’t want to answer because Dean should knew. Dean knew everything but not this and Sam didn’t like it.  
  
Jim was talking too, Sam knew that, but he didn’t listen because there was so much to look at and think about and be sad and angry with and he didn’t want to be angry and sad but he was and Sam licked the window with an angry tongue and it was cold and it tickled but Sam didn’t laugh. Dean was stupid and Jim talked too much and Sam didn’t want any of it.  
  
The words of what Theodore had said that day came back to Sam’s mind over and over again and Sam repeated it again and again and it hurt and it confused him. What had Theodore meant with kids like him? Was Sam someone else he shouldn’t be? Sam shook his head, there was no way for him to figure it out because he had tried before so many times and it wasn’t working.  
  
“Your dad’s home, Sam and he’s very worried about you.” Jim said and Sam didn’t ignore him that time and sighed.  
  
He didn’t want dad to be worried because than dad didn’t knew or maybe he did and wasn’t angry but worried because there had been a clown that threatened to eat Sam and Theodore had to save Sam by sucking his penis like a..  
  
“Lollipop.” Sam’s eyes grew big and wide, he hadn’t intended to say that out loud but it had just slipped out anyway and Sam really didn’t like it.  
  
“You want a lollipop?” Jim asked and Sam shook his head.  
  
He was never going to eat a lollipop again and Sam knew why. Because he was scared it’d remind him of the day at Theodore’s house and Sam didn’t want that, he didn’t want to think or remember about it but he did, all the time and it made him so..  
  
“Fuckin’ angry.” It came out wrong but it was the right words and Sam banged his head against the cold window of the truck, over and over again ‘til it hurt.  
  
“SAM!” Jim said with a loud voice but he didn’t yell and Sam hit his head again and again even if it hurt, his head was filled with so many thoughts and hopefully he’d stop thinking so much if he banged his head liked that. “Please stop it.”  
  
“Please stop it, stop it, SAM!” Sam yelled and he was angry because his thoughts weren’t going away and his head hurt and he was so angry at Dean and dad for not knowing and he was scared they’d find out and get angry because he hadn’t been allowed to. “Sam angry. Dad angry. Dean angry. All angry. Everyone.”  
  
Sam stopped banging his head against the window and he was dizzy and he was laughing but he wasn’t happy and he wasn’t sure why he laughed when he wasn’t happy and he didn’t like it. The truck stopped and it was quiet yet again and Sam didn’t like it when it got quiet because then it’d be more thoughts and Sam didn’t like it.  
  
“Come on, Sam.” Jim was at his side by then, he door was open and Sam let the Pastor help him out. “Why are you angry?” It was a question and Sam knew that but he didn’t want to answer, if he answered the clown would be coming for Dean and..  
  
“No. You no tell! Like a lollipop and dad told Sam lots and lots of time no okay only if Sam wanted to.” Sam said and rocked himself harder than he had ever done before and it hurt, everything hurt and Sam didn’t like it.  
  
Jim frowned and Sam didn’t like it, Jim also tried to push him forwards towards the house and Sam didn’t like it. Sam thought about the way Theodore had done the same thing and before Sam knew what he was doing, he pushed Jim away very hard and watched as the taller and older man fell backwards to the ground and Sam didn’t like it.  
  
Sam beat his forehead again and again against the closed door of the truck and it hurt and Jim talked and he wasn’t on the ground anymore and he wasn’t touching or talking to Sam and Sam wasn’t sure why he had pushed him and it scared him because he never pushed anyone before and Jim was strong and tall and old.  
  
Sam knew it wasn’t okay and always show respect to older people and Sam was angry and frustrated and sad and he couldn’t stop rocking and he was swearing, used bad words he never used before and he didn’t like it and his voice were loud and it hurt and his head hurt and Sam didn’t stop.  
  
“Sam! Stop it already!” Dean’s voice were loud but not angry but scared and Sam stopped hitting his head because Dean was there and he wasn’t angry but Sam was and he didn’t want to be. “What the fuck is going on?”  
  
Sam still used bad words and he didn’t like them and Dean held him and Sam could smell him and Dean smelled good and he had green eyes and Sam really liked green. Sam didn’t want to be angry anymore and Dean didn’t knew and dad was there too, Sam could see him, talking quietly to Jim and Sam knew they were talking at him but he wasn’t sure what they were saying because they didn’t talk loud enough and Sam wanted to knew if they were angry with him but dad looked sad and so did Jim and Sam didn’t understand.  
  
“Why are Sam so angry for?” Dean asked and Sam clung to Dean’s shirt and held on tightly, it felt like he was falling and he didn’t like it and he started to cry and couldn’t stop the loud sobs.  
  
“Anger with Dean.” Sam whispered and his throat hurt and his voice sounded wrong and it wasn’t fun. “Knows everything. Not lollipop like penis and painted man.”  
  
It was the only way Sam knew how to name what happened, because Theodore had sucked his penis like it had been a lollipop, but his penis hadn’t disappeared, it was still between his legs and to make sure, Sam squeezed it with his free hand and sighed against Dean’s strong, flat chest when he felt it was still there. Dean took a step back and Sam stopped squeezing his penis because Dean had told him it wasn’t okay to do so in front of other people.  
  
“What exactly are Sam talking about?” Dean asked but even if he moved away, he didn’t stop touching Sam’s face and neck and it felt nice and Sam sighed.  
  
“Diary knows. Dean not.” Sam said it like a fact and in one way it was and he smiled through his confusion and looked quickly up at Dean before he lost focus and his eyes lowered to look somewhere beside Dean’s left ear. “Under the mattress. Diary knows.”  
  
It had been too long already and Sam was tired of being angry and Dean not knowing. If Sam told Dean, then Theodore would be angry, Sam knew that but if he let Dean read the diary, then literally, Sam hadn’t really told Dean, right? Sam shook his head, he might’ve been wrong but he had to give it a chance because he was just too tired to be angry anymore.  
  
Dean was quiet and dad and Jim was back by their side, all of them was quiet and Sam wasn’t sure what to do or what to say, he rocked back and forth, things and thoughts entered his head in a million of a speed and Sam didn’t like it. They were all looking at him and it brought back memories of misunderstandings and a broken childhood Sam choose rather not to think about.  
  
Sam couldn’t take it anymore and broke free from Dean’s embrace, it was too close, too imitate, too much and Sam backed away, lowered his eyes to the ground, took a few deep breaths and no stars or birds or moon or nothing was there to protect him and Sam turned to get the diary and he ran into the house.  
  
He didn’t like loud voices but he didn’t like uncomfortable silence either and this was way too much even for him and he started to use bad words again, quietly to himself so he’d be able to focus on something else because touching himself wasn’t going to help and Sam knew it. Dean was the only one following him upstairs and Sam was grateful for that, nobody but Dean and maybe Jim - only sometimes - had a right to enter Sam’s bedroom.  
  
Dad didn’t understand and Sam freaked out a few months back when dad had come inside of there and it had been chaos and dad had promised to never again without a invitation and Sam liked that. Sam liked it dirty but clean all above and the middle of the two was the best and Sam started thinking too much again and it took 45 seconds to walk up the stairs and another 32 to get inside his room, Dean followed him quietly and Sam liked it but mostly he wanted Dean to talk.  
  
Dean sat down on the big chair by the window in Sam’s room and Sam watched him for awhile beside the doorframe, leaned against it and forgot why he was there ‘til Dean reminded him and Sam snapped out of his thoughts of how beautiful Dean was and how happy Sam was when he was with Dean and not angry with Dean.  
  
Sam awkwardly lifted the edge of the mattress, took the heavy book out and sat down on the bed with the book in his lap and looked down at it, lost in thoughts once again, face going blank and Sam didn’t understand how many thoughts could get inside of him all at once and it wasn’t okay and Sam didn’t like it at all.  
  
The book was heavy and when Sam opened it slowly, the words were angry and written in red and it was a blur and Sam wasn’t sure Dean would understand and maybe Dean would get angry with him and Sam didn’t want that and he looked up at Dean, focused his eyes but his sight only reached Dean’s nose and Sam sighed but could see that Dean waited carefully, like he always did and Sam nodded slowly, looked down at the book again and stretched it out to Dean to take it and he did.  
  
Dean was quiet when he read and Sam watched the window that was behind Dean and the view was beautiful, it was blue and green and yellow and red and violet and more blue and more green and a little gray and it was all a blur because Sam had a headache and his eyes were still wet even if he wasn’t crying anymore and it was beautiful and overwhelming and a little too much.  
  
Sam turned his gaze towards the television that had no painted man who’d eat him at night, no painted man that’d hurt him and Sam breathed out air of relief and he was so thankful Dean was there always and never left and Sam was sad and angry but he was smiling anyway because he was happy Dean was there, alwa..  
  
“Fuck!” Dean yelled and he sounded angry and Sam covered his ears with his hands and squeezed his eyes tightly closed. “DAAAD!” And Sam still heard him and now dad would get angry too.  
  
Before Sam had even time to react or say something or whatsoever, Dean took a tight hold of his wrist, pushed Sam off the bed and pulled him into Dean’s arms and it hurt, it was too much, it was too tight and Sam didn’t like it. Dean was angry but he hugged him and it was wrong, never hug the one you’re angry with and Sam knew that and Dean hugged him an..  
  
Dean was crying! Sam could feel it in Dean’s body, the way it vibrated and Dean wasn’t angry but sad and Sam didn’t understand. How could Dean be sad and not angry? Sam opened his eyes and looked up at him and thick tears were falling from Dean’s cheeks from his eyes and Sam didn’t like it. He didn’t want Dean to cry, he didn’t want Dean to be sad and it was somehow worse for Sam to knew Dean was sad instead of angry and Dean was holding him so close and he made sad noises against Sam’s ear and Sam just didn’t want Dean to be sad.  
  
“Sam sorry. I’m sorry.” Sam said loudly and Dean looked down at him, into his eyes and Dean shook his head and more tears fell.  
  
“It’s not your fault baby.” Dean whispered and his voice sounded weird and thick and wrong and Dean had called him baby. “Daad! For fuck sake!”  
  
Sam buried his face into Dean’s chest as the angry words sounded loud and dad came into the room, Jim too and Sam heard them talk and could feel Dean talk back and Sam wrapped his arms around him tighter, they all sounded so angry and sad and Sam wasn’t sure why they weren’t yelling at him already and he didn’t like it.  
  
Dean had said it wasn’t his fault and Sam knew that, the painted man on the television, in the movie had been coming for him and.. Sam’s eyes widened and he started to cry hysterically, loudly noises made its way out of his mouth and god, how stupid could he be? It wasn’t real! Dean had told Sam so a millions of times before, no movie was real, just the news on the television and Sam cried a little harder, a little more because he should’ve remembered but..  
  
“Sam ssso scared. Stttt-stupid Sam not rember.” Sam whispered loudly against Dean’s chest and Dean’s hand was soft and nice and caressed the back of Sam’s neck and Sam liked it.  
  
A few minutes later but it could’ve been hours as well, Dean took a few steps back and bent down to be in Sam’s eyelevel and Sam usually didn’t like it when Dean did that but at the moment, all Sam could think about was how stupid he was for forgetting what Dean had told him so many times and Sam wanted to knew why he never forgot and when he did, everything turned to chaos, every time, always.  
  
“Sam, you’ve to stay calm and tell me if you wanted Theo to suck your dick like that or not.” Dean said and Sam blinked and looked at him and nodded, then he shook his head.  
  
“Not. But told Sam painted man eating and not rember Dean told. No movy real.” Sam said and he knew it was the wrong words and his voice sounded weird and words sounded stupid and Sam didn’t like it.  
  
Sam looked away from Dean and looked to the side of him instead and saw Jim holding the diary and reading it and normally, Sam would’ve freaked out and gotten angry but at the moment, he was just tired, too confused and too sad to react about it. The only one who was allowed to read the book was Dean and Jim knew that but apparently, he didn’t care and he was reading it and Sam sighed deeply in frustration.  
  
“You shouldn’t read that without permission first, sir. Sam’s very clear about that.” Dean said and Sam could see that Jim stopped reading.  
  
The heavy book in Jim’s hand lowered down and Jim’s face looked up and away from the words and when Jim’s eyes were on him, Sam looked away quickly, he didn’t like nor did he understand the look on Jim’s face. It was a mix of anger and sad, Sam knew that but there was other emotions too and Sam didn’t understand what they meant or were there for.  
  
“I’m sorry, Sammy.” Dad said and Sam didn’t understand because Jim had been the one reading the diary, not dad.  
  
Jim gave him the book and Sam hugged it close to his chest, it was private, Jim should’ve known that, so why didn’t he? Sam sighed and looked up at dad but lowered his eyes just as quickly, he didn’t understand why everyone looked so sad and he surely didn’t like it.  
  
Sam got the diary from Dean and Dean was beautiful and Sam had written it down in his diary and Sam really didn’t want Jim or dad to see that and Sam frowned a little because he didn’t knew why he wanted to hide it. It just wasn’t alright for Jim or dad to knew, Sam figured and nodded to himself, then Sam shook his head and looked up at dad again.  
  
“Not Sammy. Sam and different.” Sam said and his eyes held dad’s until it was dad who looked away and cleared his throat and Sam had never liked the sound of that. “Why?” Sam asked and looked down again, frown still in place and he didn’t understand.  
  
“Sam’s not differen..” Dean tried but stopped and Sam didn’t knew why, then dad sat down on the floor and it looked really funny because dad was tall and strong and not one to sit on the floor and Sam laughed and dad did too as they looked at one another.  
  
Sam was taller than him now with dad on the floor and that felt kinda funny too, Sam wasn’t quite as tall as Dean yet but he was getting there, dad said so and one day Sam knew he’d be taller than Dean because dad had told him so and Sam knew it was true otherwise dad wouldn’t have said so. But he was much taller than dad by then and it was fun and Sam liked it. Maybe he’d be taller than dad later on too?  
  
Dad stretched out his hands towards him and Sam looked at them for a few minutes before he took them in his own hands and stepped in to hug dad and it was awkward because dad was so short and Sam had to bend down and be almost as short as him and it was funny and weird and awkward and there was no pain and no anger and much sadness and Sam didn’t knew why.  
  
“You’re right, Sam.” Dad said and Sam withdrew from the hug and sat down as well, it was clumsy and it hurt his knees but he did it and dad was smiling but he didn’t look happy. “You’re different son, but you’ve to know you can do whatever pleases you, it may only take a little further time for you than others to get there.” Sam nodded and followed his finger in the pattern of the floor, over and over again.  
  
“Called?” He asked in a low voice and dad looked at him and smiled.  
  
“It’s called autism. It’s nothing dangerous it just makes you the way you are. It makes you Sam.”  
  
Sam really tried to stay focused and listen and he did it and he was so scared. He was different and yet he was still Sam and the autism inside of him made him Sam and it was named autism and Sam didn’t knew what that meant. Autism.. A very difficult name and Sam knew he wasn’t named autism but the thing inside him was and Sam thought about it for a few minutes and started to cry.  
  
“Sam dead?! No leave Dean and daddy!” Sam said in a broken voice and it came out so wrong and Sam hated the autism inside of him.  
  
“No kiddo, Sam’s not going to die. And you’ll not leave Dean and dad.” Dean said and Sam felt his warm and nice hand on his shoulder and shrugged it off in horror and fear.  
  
“Sam no dead but autim go with Dean touch.” Sam started to cry again and dad leaned close and kissed Sam’s forehead before he got up and Sam shook his head and cried a little harder.  
  
Dad just kissed him and now dad would have autism too and Dean knew everything and Dean wasn’t different and maybe he’d be because Sam had kissed him and Sam realized he wouldn’t be able to kiss Dean again and it made him cry harder and he was trembling by the time Dean sat down by his side and dad and Jim wasn’t in the room anymore and Sam struggled a bit when Dean pulled him toward him but couldn’t actually stop it from happening and Dean hugged him then and Sam cried some more.  
  
“Tell me why Sam’s crying.” Dean said and Sam rocked himself and felt Dean followed him in the movement and it was nice and comfortable and scary, Sam didn’t want Dean to have autism too.  
  
“No touch.” Sam whispered against Dean’s T-shirt. “Never more kiss.” Sam breathed in the warm and beautiful smell of Dean and closed his teary eyes and just breathed. “Kiss Dean no more.” Sam said a little louder and he was sobbing again.  
  
Dean was quiet and held Sam and it felt nice and good and sad and scary. Sam wanted to kiss, to hold, to in love with Dean but Dean wasn’t different and he might be if Sam kissed him and even that very hug might give Dean the illness inside Sam because Sam knew the flu and the cold was going through body contact, sneezes, voices and handshakes and Sam was almost sure it also went with kisses and Sam’s autism was inside of him like the flu and the cold and he wouldn’t ever be able to kiss Dean again.  
  
“Sam, listen to Dean now.” Dean said and Sam nodded slowly, his tears had stopped but his voice didn’t work. “Sam touching Dean won’t give Dean autism, it doesn’t work that way. Sam were born with autism, it’s not like the flu. Sam don’t need to be scared to touch Dean. Do you understand, Sam?” Dean asked and Sam thought about it for a long time before he nodded.  
  
It was very many words and Sam didn’t like that but he understood, he could touch Dean and hug Dean but not..  
  
“Kiss Dean.” Sam said sadly and Dean laughed and Sam wanted to cry again.  
  
“You want to kiss me?” Dean asked and Sam nodded, he really wanted to but he couldn’t, he wouldn’t, he just didn’t want to give Dean autism.  
  
Dean moved a little and Sam tensed up, sure that Dean was angry with him then and Sam didn’t want him to be, Sam wanted to hear Dean laugh again and not being angry and Sam looked sideways and saw Dean face and eyes and he hadn’t been prepared for it, it was almost a little too much and then Dean leaned in and Sam felt Dean’s lips cover his own and he made a sound and Sam closed his eyes but not before widened them because he hadn’t been prepared.  
  
The lips on his own was soft and warm and totally beautiful and Sam wanted more of it and saw stars behind his closed eyelids, stars and thunderstorms and the moon and Sam liked it. He pressed somewhat closer to Dean, deepened the kiss without really intending to, placed his hand on Dean’s shoulder and the other made a fist at Dean’s chest and it was nice and warm and wonderful and beautiful and then..  
  
“Aaaah.” A very weird noise broke out of his mouth as he opened it wide and Dean’s lips were gone and Sam’s face was burning up and not from pain and it felt good, nice and warm.  
  
“Sam liked it?” Dean asked and Sam opened his eyes after a while and nodded.  
  
“Now Dean autim. Sam sorry.” Sam said but he wasn’t sorry for the kiss, he was sorry for giving Dean what was inside of him.  
  
“No baby. Sam’s alright and so is Dean. Remember? You can touch and hug and kiss and the other person won’t get autism because you were born with it and it’s not like the flu.” Sam nodded, he remembered Dean saying it was okay to touch and now kiss too and Sam was happy and he smiled.  
  
“Sam like kiss Dean. Very much I do.” Sam was smiling and Dean was smiling too and they were alright.  
  
“Dean like kissing Sam too.” Dean said and Sam looked up at him in surprise and happiness and Dean kissed him once more and Sam blushed and lowered his eyes on a happy sigh. “Theo will get punished for what he did to you, baby. I promise you that.” Dean said and caressed Sam’s cheek once before he stood up and stretched out his hand to Sam. “I think it’s time to grab some dinner, you hungry?”  
  
Was he? Sam shook his head, he was never really hungry, he just knew it was good for him to eat and that he could get really sick if he didn’t. An idea and a very strong thought hit his head right then and Sam narrowed his eyes and while he walked downstairs, the thought didn’t go away and when he watched the lion king that evening before bedtime, he knew what he had to do.  
  
Sam knew he could get sick if he didn’t eat but the thing was, he was already sick, something called autism and it made him different and maybe Sam wouldn’t be different and be like Dean if he wasn’t eating. Sam nodded and watched the movie in silence and he heard the loud voices from downstairs and sighed and he was just about to close the stupid door to his room when he heard Dean say his name and Sam listened to the anger downstairs, it was three of them, Dean, dad and Jim, all angry and talking of him.  
  
“He’s not alright!” It was a short pause and then Dean added; “He just got molested and you just had to threw it in his face like that now. Isn’t it enough that he goes through a lot of shit already?!”  
  
“It’s not like he understand what happened between him and Theo.” Dad said after a few seconds and his voice were dark and very angry. “He has no idea he got hurt. I came here to..” Dad didn’t really stop but Dean yelled again and it was hard for Sam to follow the angry words.  
  
“He understands, okay?!” Dean said and Sam leaned his head against the doorframe, he knew what happened between him and Theodore was wrong, he just didn’t knew why. “He knew what happened to him was wrong and he’s filled with emotions and anger he don’t understand and he needs us to help him, not upset him further. So I suggest you talk to Theodore’s parents and I’d handle the boy myself. Meanwhile, Sam’s not going to school.” Dean yelled and Sam knew that Dean understood he was angry otherwise Dean wouldn’t have said like that to dad.  
  
“Don’t order me around, boy!” Dad said and there was a loud sound downstairs and Sam stilled and got quiet and the whole house went with him.  
  
“Johnny! What in Christ name are you doing?” Jim asked and it was not even a whisper and Dean walked in the stairs and Sam couldn’t move away from the doorway. “Get the hell out of here!” Jim said loudly and then the door slammed closed just in time as Dean reached the top stair and..  
  
“Bleeding. In nose.” Sam screamed and ran toward him and hugged Dean tightly and Dean cried and Sam held him. “Dean bleed.”  
  
“It’s okay, Sam. It’s okay.” Dean whispered and hugged him back but Sam knew it wasn’t and he wished he understood what exactly had happened to get Dean’s nose to bleed.  
  
  
  
The three following days, Sam wasn’t allowed to be in school and he talked a lot to Man doctor Robert and what had happened with Theodore, how it had felt and what Sam thought of it. They also talked about dad, Sam knew he had autism and how things were in his life since that moment on. Sam avoided the topic of Dean because he knew doctor Robert didn’t like Sam kissing Dean and Sam knew it was better to keep quiet about it.  
  
When he went back to school, Theodore and his brothers were nowhere to be seen and Sam knew it was Dean who had done it and Sam wasn’t sure how, but Sam knew Dean took care of it like he had promised. Even if it should’ve been dad. Sam knew that too.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Dad was home again and he wasn’t angry, Dean didn‘t bleed and Sam liked that, but dad was weird altogether anyway and Sam really didn’t understand why, it was like dad tried to be Sam’s friend and friends weren’t good, family were a lot better than friends and dad was better than Theo.  
  
Dad tried to help him with the homework which only got Sam angry, because Sam really didn’t need help, he could do it on his own. Dad took him to music stores and even through Sam enjoyed music a lot, dad surely had a bitter taste in music and Sam really didn’t like that, sometimes Sam wondered if dad had copied Dean’s music style because they listened to the same bands - rock - and Sam really didn’t like rock even if he liked Dean.  
  
And dad too. Sometimes. Of course.  
  
But dad wasn’t stupid, because one night before bedtime, he knocked on Sam’s door just as Sam had finished brushing his teeth and they started to read Harry Potter together, which, of course, was something terrible nice. Yeah, Sam smiled, it was both terrible and nice. And Sam liked it just as much as dad did.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
Sam liked classes because there he learned stuff during school time, Sam especially liked English and History class, he also enjoyed math. Sam liked the restrooms as well during breaks in between classes, because there he could learn how to be like other boys his own age.  
  
Just like every other day, Sam walked into his usual stall, cleaned the toilet lid - because he really didn’t like the thought of what could've been there before him - and sat down to pull his legs up so that his shoes wouldn’t show through the crack if someone looked, like he did every time and waited for the restroom to fill with other boys.  
  
Of course Sam didn’t like the smell inside of there, he really didn’t like the smell of pee all over the room, the yellow color on the floor proved there was something else than just the smell and Sam just didn’t like it. But hey, that wasn’t why he was there in the first place and Sam smiled to himself, he was there because he tried to become normal, to be perfect.  
  
Like Dean. Sam really liked Dean. And Dean was perfect.  
  
“..still think it’s disgusting, man.” Sam just caught the last few words but there was something about disgust.  
  
Sam thought a lot of things were disgusting, the yellow color on the restroom floor in school, girl boobs that was too big and dad, Dean’s style in music which was way too loud sometimes..  
  
“Dude, c’mon, it’s not her fault. It’s like a disease or whatever, she can’t control it.” Another boy said and Sam recognized his voice and knew who it was - Adam.  
  
Adam was nice, one of the nicest boys in Sam’s class actually and he did talk a lot - even to Sam - and he joked a lot and never yelled like everyone else. He was nice and Sam liked him. Not as much as Dean. And Sam wouldn’t ever want to be Adam’s friend - friends weren’t something good - but Adam was nice.  
  
“She chose to do it firsthand, no disease forced her to stuff her fingers down her throat man, it’s all her own fuckin’ choice and she won’t even admit that she’s sick.” The other boy said and by the anger from his voice, Sam recognized him as Ricky.  
  
“There? You see? She’s sick.” Adam said and there was a short pause. “Listen man, I know this is hard, but all you can do is like, be there for her. She didn’t want to do it, her head and popularity told her to because every girl think it’s something they’ve to do to become normal to the nor..” Sam stopped listening right there and put his head to the side as he pressed his knees to his chest.  
  
He wanted to be normal. Perfect actually. With no autism that made everything so much harder. Sam wanted to be like Dean, because Dean was perfect and Dean didn’t have autism. If Sam could be like Dean by stuffing his fingers down his throat like the girl had done, would he become normal then? Sam figured so, because the boys had said so.  
  
Sam didn’t want to have autism anymore and if he did that easy one thing, he’d be free from it. When the guys left the restroom, Sam carefully slid off the lid of the toilet, lifted it and stuffed his fingers down his throat, just like they had said he should do to become normal. What Sam hadn’t expected however was how much he’d threw up.  
  
Honestly, Sam hadn’t thought he’d threw up at all. But oh god, he did and Sam surely didn’t like it.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
The weeks after that conversation, Sam found it was a little too easy to lie. His autism should’ve made it difficult, but since neither dad nor Dean questioned his lies, Sam continued to tell them lies as where he had been whenever he missed dinner or that he had already eaten.  
  
Sam didn’t like to lie, he really didn’t, but he couldn’t stop because he really didn’t want to threw up again. If he kept lying, then he could stop eating.. Well, okay, not really, he did eat, of course he did, but not like he had been eating before he found a way to get his autism to disappear and Sam really wanted it to disappear.  
  
That far, he didn’t feel much difference, or he did, somehow, Sam just wasn’t sure how to describe it, less thoughtful maybe. A lot shaky of course - more than before - but the multiple thoughts he had all the time before and Sam really liked that.  
  
That night he was at home, just after dinner - which he didn’t eat - Jim went to the church and dad was in the kitchen, cleaning up, Sam and Dean was in the living room, watching some TV before Sam had to do his homework and they started out watching X-files, which Sam really enjoyed even if it was scary sometimes.  
  
When the episode had ended however, Dean started sapping through the channels and Sam really disliked when Dean did that, Sam wanted to decide too and then they stayed at a movie that was just about to start and Sam wasn’t sure he liked the dancing boys in the front, they were half-naked. Well, at least it wasn’t girls.  
  
The storyline was about a man named Michael - who looked more like a boy than a man - and he had a really ugly haircut, but he talked about men, gay men to be exact and by the talks Sam had had with his therapist, Sam knew he was gay too because he liked boys, no wait, Sam liked Dean and Dean was a man. Dean was twenty years old.  
  
Then there was a really beautiful man on the television and his name was Brian, he danced a lot and Dean got up to do something and Sam watched as another man went down on his knees before..  
  
“Oh!” Sam whispered and leaned forward to get a better look.  
  
No. No. NO. The guy was sucking Brian’s dick like a lollipop. Not that it was shown or anything, but Sam wasn’t stupid, he knew what happened right there and then the movie went to Michael again and the girly man and a man that looked like Sam’s math teacher. Brian hadn’t looked like he had disliked it like Sam had done.  
  
There was a lot going on and a lot to follow, Sam could do that easily by then because he found the movie interesting and by the time Dean went back and sat down again, Brian and a boy named Justin was on a bed, naked and Brian sat o..  
  
“Hell to the no!” Dean almost yelled as he grabbed the consoler and changed the channel, Sam snapped his head to the side and glared at him.  
  
“Want to..” Sam snapped and there was words missing and he really didn’t like that Dean changed the channel. “watch. Sam watch.”  
  
“No!” Dean said, voice sounded funny and not quite angry and Sam really didn’t understand. “Look, it’s another epi of X-files starting right now!”  
  
Sam huffed and tried to get hold of the consoler because he really wanted to watch Brian and Justin and Michael and Emmet and Ted. He wanted to. Sam really didn’t want to watch another episode of X-files, he wanted to watch that movie!  
  
“Want to!” Sam said as he finally got a hold of the consoler and changed the channel back and just then, Brian and Justin was still on the bed but doing different things and..  
  
“Sam!” Dean said, pulled the consoler out off his hand and changed the channel. “I said no!” Dean yelled and he sounded frustrated and Sam didn’t like it when Dean yelled with him.  
  
“Never know..” Sam said and blinked up at Dean’s flushed face and looked away to rock himself a little. “Sam never know that.”  
  
Dean was quiet for a long time and Sam looked up at him again to keep the eye contact at least for a little bit longer, Dean’s eyes were green, Sam really liked green, and Sam really liked Dean but Sam didn’t like it when Dean yelled at him and then Dean groaned loudly and he didn’t sound happy.  
  
“You’re too young, Sam. And Jim wouldn’t ever accept you to watch that shit under his roof.” Sa narrowed his eyes, he wasn’t too young, he was sixteen, a big boy and they..  
  
“No roof.” Sam said matter-of-factly and smiled as Dean rolled his eyes. “In living room.”  
  
Seriously, all Sam wanted to do was to watch that movie, to see and realize that he wasn’t totally alone being gay. And Sam looked up at Dean, made eye contact and frowned as he let his hair fall slightly over his eyes and Dean sighed and rolled his eyes.  
  
“Sam, stop it.” Dean said and his voice sounded weird, softer this time but in a tone Sam barely heard his big brother use. “Aw damn, I hate it when you look at me like that.” But Sam didn’t stop.  
  
“Puppy kicked.” Sam said with a sad voice as he was stubborn all the same. “Dean.”  
  
“Alright!” Dean yelled and held out his hands in defeat and Sam smiled. “Stop looking at me like that and I’ll try to convince Jim about it.” Sam broke the eye contact and smiled as Dean changed back to the channel with a deep sigh.  
  
Brian and Justin was in the shower, naked, and washed one another on the back. Sam really liked how that looked like even if he surely didn’t like water himself.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
Two days, two hours and three minutes later Sam got the first entire season of Queer As Folk and he loved it, loved it so much that he wanted Dean to watch it with him and he had questions, a lot of questions and nobody could answer them better than Dean and Sam talked him into it ‘til they finally did watch it together one night when dad was on a hunt and Jim was with his woman friend.  
  
Dean had ordered in pizza and Sam really liked pizza but he couldn’t eat so he lied again and Sam really didn’t like to lie but he had to - he had to stop eating in case he’d want to be healthy and not to have autism. And Sam was getting tall and boney, really boney and Sam didn’t like that.  
  
“So we watch this from the start, huh?” Dean asked and Sam rolled his eyes at him and nodded, sometimes Dean could be so dumb.  
  
“Of course.” Sam said and put the DVD disc into the DVD and pressed play on the remote, he had done this lots of times before and he knew exactly what to do.  
  
They watched four episodes and only that because Dean wanted a kiss and Sam never said no about kisses from Dean, Sam really liked Dean’s kisses. Before Sam knew what happened, he laid flat on his back and watched Dean’s green eyes that looked so big and Sam wanted more.  
  
More, like more of the things Brian and Justin did in bed together. More nonetheless, Sam just wanted more than kisses and that was why he grabbed his dick through his jeans and squeezed it as Dean’s eyes watched Sam’s hand and then Dean kissed him again and Sam moaned into the kiss, he liked Dean’s taste and Dean’s tongue in his own mouth.  
  
“What do you want me to do?” Dean whispered against his lips and Sam’s whole body arched up off the couch.  
  
“More..” Sam said and felt almost desperate as he pulled on his hard dick and it almost hurt so Sam squeezed his eyes shut and then Dean took a firm grip of his wrist.  
  
“More what?” Dean asked and Sam opened his eyes and meet Dean’s green ones and gasped.  
  
He wasn’t good at talking and Dean knew that he wasn’t, he knew Sam’s word fucked up in sentences that should’ve been easy to say but it wasn’t for Sam and Sam really disliked that and yet Dean wanted him to talk right there and then and Sam felt so happy and desperate at the same time.  
  
“More.. You.” Sam said and that seemed to be the right thing to say even if it sounded somewhat weird because Dean smiled and let go of Sam’s wrist as he bent down to plant a soft kiss on Sam’s lips.  
  
They kept kissing for awhile ‘til Dean did something with his lower half that made Sam threw his head back and his moan got stuck in his throat. That, Dean was really good at that. And Dean did it again and again and Sam could almost see stars - not the moon - but stars and fireworks and it felt incredible.  
  
“Fuck Sammeh.” Dean said and his voice sounded weird, like it did after each time they kissed but even weirder, like he had a cold or something. “You’re fuckin’ awesome.”  
  
And Sam wanted more. More kisses, more lower half’s that moved, more of everything and it felt so good. He tried to make that noticeable by pulling on Dean’s T-shirt and after awhile that felt like years but had just been a few seconds, Dean pulled his T-shirt off before he dug in for more kisses and Sam really enjoyed the muscular skin beneath his hands as he caressed and squeezed Dean’s chest and sides and stomach and back and shoulders and butt. Sam couldn’t get enough of feeling Dean’s naked skin.  
  
Then Dean just stopped, pulled back and looked down at him and Sam didn’t understand it, what had he done wrong but then Dean smiled and pulled down Sam’s sweatpants and when they were gone, Dean carefully caressed his way up from Sam’s toes to his groin and it felt amazing, by the time Dean reached his dick, Sam was shaking and he thought it’d feel more than amazing when Dean touched his dick but he jolted upright and headed Dean in the forehead with the force he used to get up.  
  
Because it hurt. No, it didn’t hurt, not exactly, but it burned and Sam really didn’t like it and without knowing it, he started to cry, he had no idea he cried ‘til Dean brushed the tears away with his thumbs and everything hurt by then, every little part of Sam’s body that Dean had touched earlier hurt and burned and Sam really couldn’t stand it.  
  
“I’m sorry, baby, I didn’t.. it wasn’t.. I’m so sorry.” Dean whispered over and over again and Sam forgave him.  
  
 Dean didn’t have autism, Dean could do what Brian and Justin did with someone else. Sam had autism, Sam couldn’t do it even if he wanted to and that made Sam so sad and frustrated, he really wanted to be normal, to be like Dean, to be perfect, Sam really wanted that but he knew he couldn’t ever be.. But if he tried harder, if he stopped eating entirely, then maybe he’d be able to do what Brian and Justin did.  
  
 _Hopefully_.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning! May be triggering. Eating Disorder. Warning!

Sam sighed deeply and the air he let out made his fangs blow up a bit from his forehead. Fangs? No. Sam shook his head, sometimes he was so stupid. Sam didn't have fangs. Of course not. It was his bangs that blew up and Sam's words had been confusing lately, even in his own head and Sam didn't like it. Sam thought it was the autism getting worse and nobody seemed to care about it and Sam didn't tell them, he never did.

 

But he felt wrong. So wrong sometimes and Sam wasn't even sure why. Dean hadn't been home that night and not that morning either and Sam didn't like it. It had been a week since Sam and Dean shared a pizza, the same night they'd kissed and touched. It had hurt at the time, but Sam didn't want Dean to.. Sam just didn't want Dean to..

 

"Sam? I asked you a question." The teacher said and Sam looked at him, not in the eyes, never in the eyes, a question, he wanted Sam to answer it.

 

Right. He remembered it.

 

"Remeo.." Sam wasn't sure he said the name right, but he had read the book. "died."

 

The other kids started to laugh and Sam frowned, he didn't like when they laughed, because they didn't sound nice when they did. But they couldn't be angry, because they laughed and no one who laughed could be angry. Sam knew that. But why were they laughing when they didn't sound happy?

 

"No. No, Sam, that's not the answer to the math problem." The teacher said and Sam's frown deepened a little.

 

Were Sam in math class? Sam looked around in the room, then he sighed again and shook his head. Sometimes he was so stupid. Maybe dad was right, maybe Sam was stupid and not understanding anything. Dad hadn't said that in a long time, but Sam knew he thought it, just like dad always had. Dad loved him but.. but he loved Dean more - because Dean was normal - not having autism like Sam did.

 

Sam really liked math class, but Sam figured his autism were getting worse. Otherwise he wouldn't be as stupid as he was right then and Sam turned in his seat, looked out the window and he didn't like how quiet the room got after that. And then the class restarted and Sam didn't pay anymore attention. Why should he? He was too stupid to understand anyway.

 

And then, when the bell rang, another class was about to start and there was a bird in the sky and Sam liked birds, wanted to have wings like they had, and Sam was about to get up and out when the teacher - Paul - told Sam to not leave the room cuase they needed to talk and Sam really didn't want to tell Paul he had autism, Sam knew Paul wouldn't like him anymore than on and Sam didn't like that.

 

"Sam, it's important that you listen, okay?" Paul asked, it was a question, Sam knew that because it sounded like one and he nodded and looked at Paul's nose.

 

"Yes, Sam. Sam listen." Sam said and smiled a little, that didn't sound as confusing as he had feared his words would sound and Sam saw how Paul nodded.

 

"I know what happened between you and Theodore, and I really don't want anyone else to hurt you like that." Sam nodded, Dean had already told Sam that Jim had told the teachers about it.

 

But why were Paul talking about it now? It was so long ago and Theodore and his brothers had moved away from the town, as well as his parents - well, Sam figured that, because kids couldn't move on their own - so Sam really didn't understand why his teacher wanted to talk about it now and Sam didn't like it. Maybe the teacher wanted Sam to find a friend, but Sam didn't like friends. There was much things Sam didn't like, but friends were one very high on the list and Sam sighed as he righted the backpack on his shoulder, it had started to itch and hurt. Like many other things, even boxer briefs was hurting his skin lately and Sam didn't like it.

 

Sam knew he weren't able to walk to school naked, of course not, Dean had told him so many years ago. But when Sam got picked up by someone at home, Sam liked to take off his jacket and before they were at the house, Sam had no shirt on and nobody asked why Sam got undressed and maybe they didn't even care. Jim had asked a lot of times if Sam wanted to come to church with him. Sam liked the church, it was nice and calm there, quiet in a nice way. But Sam didn't want to upset God, didn't want the dude to see what Sam did.

 

God had told his son, the holy shit of Jesus Christ - like Dean called God's son - to share the food with family and friends and to share it with his brothers and sisters. Sam knew God was Sam's father, just like he was Dean's father and dad's father and even Jim's father. They were all family and if God saw it, saw that Sam hadn't been eating for almost a week, God would tell Jesus about it and Jesus wouldn't like that because Jesus shared the food with him and Sam didn't take what he could.

 

Sam frowned, shook his head and returned to the teacher, sometimes Sam didn't like thinking so much and sometimes his mind was so quiet lately and maybe it wasn't anything bad, but maybe it was and Paul was talking and Sam just heard the end of his words.

 

"..so I thought Adam could fallow you home today."

 

Right. Adam. Sam liked Adam, because Adam was always talking to him and.. but wait! Sam looked up at Paul, made eye contact for a few seconds before he looked down at the man's chest, glad he didn't have boobs and Sam sighed and shook his head. He needed to focus.

 

"No could." Sam shook his head some more, could hear it didn't sound right and he tried again;  "Sam picked Dean."

 

Okay. Sam's words weren't really cooperating lately. Stupid Sam and stupid Sam's autism. What he meant was that Dean would pick up Sam later, just like always, whenever Dean wasn't with stupid girls with stupid boobs. When Dean was with them and kissed them on the mounth, like Dean should kiss Sam, it was either dad or Jim who picked him up. Not going home. Dean didn't like Sam to walk so far alone. And no friend, not even Adam.

 

"Dean can't pick you up today, Sam, he's working overtime at the garage and your dad ain't home, neither is Jim."  Paul said and Sam narrowed his eyes before he took a big step back, shook his head and Paul smiled at him and said; "Dean thought he'd be able to be home when you got there, but if he isn't, he told me that you know where the key is, Sam."

 

Home alone? With no one there? Sam widened his eyes in surprise, Sam had never been by himself before and he wasn't sure if he liked that. But then Adam was going to be there too and what if he.. what if Adam did the same thing as Theodore? Sam bit down on his bottom lip, Adam was nicer than Theodore, much, much nicer, he never laughed at Sam like Theodore had done. 

 

But.. being Adam's friend wasn't good. No. Sam shook his head to answer his own words. Of course not. Friend's weren't good. Dean had told Sam, had said Theo hadn't been a friend and that friends wouldn't hurt him. But Sam wasn't sure he could trust that, because Theodore had been his friend before he had hurt Sam. What if Adam would do the same thing?

 

"Not.." Sam swallowed, his voice had started to sound weird lately too, getting higher then lower again and Sam wasn't sure what that meant. "Not alone."

 

Paul smiled at him, took a step closer to Sam and Sam could see that, because the teacher's shoes got a little closer and his shoes were white and clean and Sam looked up at him again and his eyes landed on Paul's smiling lips, Sam couldn't understand why Paul was smiling, because Sam didn't feel happy at all and Paul shouldn't either.

 

"Your brother told me this was gonna get difficult." Paul said and Sam nodded, Dean knew him so well. "But he made sure I got the message Sam, he didn't want anyone else but Adam to follow you home, because Dean consider him the best one at this school."

 

Sam thought about that. Sam liked Adam, and Dean seemed to do that too. Sam liked school as well, but Dean hadn't liked school at all. Sometimes they thought the same thing, other times they didn't. Maybe Dean was right, maybe it was normal for them to think different things sometimes. But Sam still didn't like it, Sam just wanted to be like Dean. Maybe Dean liked Adam, so maybe Sam should too.

 

"Liki' Dean Adam?" Sam could hear how wrong that sounded, it didn't make much since even to his own ears and he huffed out a annoyed breath before trying again; "Dean Adam.." Swallowing hard, Sam tried one last time; "Friends?"

 

Finally! Hopefully Paul would understand and Sam shook his head, angry with himself, if the words got any weirder than this, Sam would have to start using the notebook again to get everyone to understand him and Sam so didn't like it. It made him very angry. Sam wanted to be able to talk, by his voice, not by the stupid.. a loud bang made Sam jerk a little and the sound came from somewhere behind him. But when Sam looked over his back, no one was there, just a book laying on the floor.

 

"What the.." Paul mumbled and Sam widened his eyes in shock.

 

He had never heard his teachers curse before! It was an almost curse, but it still counted. Sam turned to look at Paul when the man lifted the book from it's place on the floor and then Paul looked at the front page, then he looked at Sam and Sam turned his eyes away from the teacher and frowned. What was going on? Why was Paul standing there, looking like that?

 

"Well, I guess.." Paul started, gave the book to Sam and Sam saw that it was Romeo and Juliet and he smiled, Sam really liked that book. "I guess you can take this home or whatever."

 

That didn't make sanse. They had already had the class when the students should read it out loud and discuss it later. And Sam had liked it, but the school owned the book, not Sam, so why were Paul giving it to him? Sam didn't understand and he didn't like it either, because Paul looked.. scared? Maybe? But why?

 

"Anyway, yeah, I believe they could be friends if they were in the same age, your brother and Adam that is." Paul nodded and went to stand at the same spot as he had done before the loud noice. "But I think Adam could be your friend, and a real one too, Sam."

 

Sam considered that, then he shook his head. Sam didn't want friends -he had Dean already - and Dean.. Dean wouldn't be picking him up. Sam really didn't want to be alone in the house without anyone there.

 

"Sam friend.." Now his voice did it again, got higher than lower, stupid voice! "only day."

 

And right after Sam had said that, agreed to being Adam's friend only for that day, he was sent to next class by Paul. But when Sam tried to give him back the book, Paul took a big step away from him and shook his head, almost begging Sam to take it. Sam frowned but did what he was told.

 

And right after school, after gym class, Sam started reading the book while he waited for Adam to show. Sam wasn't sure if he liked being Adam's friend. Adam was nice, never laughed at Sam, talked with Sam and waited on his answers just like Dean did. Theo had always laughed at Sam, always talked over Sam and waited unpatiently on his answers. Sam hadn't noticed it himself at first, but when Dean told him, Sam had noticed it was true. Maybe Dean was right alongside with Paul, maybe Adam could be a true friend this time.

 

But Sam didn't think so, instead he read the book, liked how the story started out with an old agrument the families had and Sam loved to watch the relationship between Romeo and Juliet grow. Okay, maybe Sam didn't use Juliets real name, because Sam didn't like girls with boobs and Sam didn't want to read books about a boy and a girl being in love. Sam thought of the name Andrew instead and he wasn't sure why, but Andrew was a good name.

 

"Are you ready to head home, Sam?" Sam could clearly hear who it was without even looking up, he knew by the voice that it was Adam and Sam closed the book and nodded.

 

"Great. So, do you want us to walk or do you want me to drive?" Sam looked up and before he could stop himself, they'd a full blown eye contact and Sam shifted a little there on the beanch without breaking the eye contact with Adam, he had brown eyes, almost black, and Sam liked it.

 

But Sam looked away when his eyes got dimmy, down to Adam's right shoulder and Sam got up from the beanch, walked up to stand in front of Adam and was careful not to get too close. Demon's had black eyes too, some of them had red and one of them - _Mary's own demon killer_ \- had yellow eyes, but most of the time demons had black eyes and Sam didn't like it, didn't want to compare Adam to a demon, because Adam didn't have black eyes, he had brown. And he wasn't a stupid demon.

 

"Drive Dean." Sam said and smiled, then he shook his head and sighed instead. "No. Adam day."

 

"That's right, Sam." Adam said and smiled at him as he started to walk towards the parking lot. "Adam will drive you home today."

 

When they got to Adam's car, Sam was grateful the car was low, becuase it'd been a problem if it had been a truck and Sam didn't like it. So he helped himself in without issues, then he tucked the belt around him and Adam checked if Sam had done the right thing, then he smiled and said;

 

"I don't mean to be rude, but you know your brother will kill me if he thinks I mistreated you, right Sam?"

 

Sam narrowed his eyes and nodded. Dean wouldn't kill, but he wouldn't be nice. And Sam wished Dean wouldn't find a reason for it. When the engine started up, Sam laughed. It didn't sound like the 'pala at all, because the 'pala had..

 

"Lego in.." Sam thought for awhile, tried to remember what Dean had called it and then he said; "system."

 

It wasn't the right word but Adam looked at Sam like he understood what he tried to say.

 

"How did it get there to start with?" Adam asked and Sam laughed even louder, happy and pleased that Adam understood him just as much as Dean did.

 

"Dean." Was all Sam had to say and then Adam was laughing too. "Six year." He said and it felt a lot easier to talk.

 

Maybe Sam had forgot somehow how to talk. Because Dean never talked to home nowadays. Hadn't done it in a week. And Sam didn't like it.

 

"Seemes like your brother is home." Adam said as he made a turn in front of the stairs to the house and Sam looked out and saw the black beauty of their car, the 'pala was the only girl Sam really liked.

 

Dean had said it was a girl and Sam believed him. Dean knew these things and Sam would've been more than stupid if he didn't belive Dean about that. Not only did Dean knew about cars - the 'pala - but he also knew about other stuff like Sam wanted to know too. Like what to do with a boy when his penis - dick - was hard. Sam squeezed his own, but Sam know he did it wrong somehow, because Dean did other things to his own dick.. And Sam had only accidently seen Dean do it a few times in the shower and Sam wanted to learn, wanted to knew how to do it right so he'd be able to sound like Dean did.

 

Sam felt how his face turned hot as he thought about it and his dick got hard in his jeans. Thankfully, Sam hadn't been able to strip off anything, because Adam had been talking the whole time there and Sam had been too busy focusing on him. Now Dean was on the porch, looking down at them with a smile on his lips and Sam sighed, he wanted to learn how with everything, but not at the moment, because Adam was there too and Sam didn't want Dean to learn when Adam was there.

 

"I think he wants you to come." Adam said and Sam couldn't help making a sound deep in his throat.

 

Because Sam knew only a little about these things he wanted to do with Dean.. but Sam knew what that meant, he knew it could mean two different things at the same time, but Sam was already hard and he wanted to touch so badly, but never touch himself in front of other people - not if you didn't want to - and Sam didn't want to in front of Adam, because it wasn't Adam that got Sam's dick to grow, it was Dean, and Sam didn't want anyone else but Dean to touch and teach him how to do stuff.

 

"Yes." Sam mumbled, didn't even look up at Adam before he got out of the car. "Thank." Sam knew he forgot one word, but at the moment, he didn't care.

 

All he could care about was Dean, who still stood on the porch, looking down at him with his beautiful green eyes and Sam swallowed as he closed the door a little clumsly behind him as he walked up the steps to the porch. It was difficult and a little embarressing, but Sam didn't care, all he wanted was for Dean to teach him and..

 

"You can at least wave." Dean whispered with a voice that was very hoarse and Sam looked up at Dean's face and swallowed, Dean was red in the face too.

 

Sam took a step closer to Dean, felt his own knees buckle a little and then Sam felt Dean's warm hand on the small of his back, keeping him upright and Sam looked over his shoulder at Adam who had just turned the car back and waved, just like Dean told him to. Sam felt so comfortable right there, in Dean's closeness, feeling his touch, that he was still waving long after Adam's car was gone.

 

"So how was your day, Sammy?" Dean asked and Sam looked back at him and his cheeks turned hot again and Sam lost eye contact with him and smiled.

 

"Sam was.." Sam shook his head, no idea telling Dean about the anger, because then his brother would want to know about that and Sam.. "Hard now.."

 

He looked up at Dean again, into his eyes and for a few minutes, he held his gace steady, forced himself to, because Dean looked down at him with a soft smile on his face and his eyes was half-closed and Sam wasn't sure what that meant, but Sam was thought it looked very nice.

 

"So.." Dean whispered. Why was he whispering?? Was someone else there too? Sam broke the eye contact and looked around, no other cars but Dean's was there and Sam found he yet again didn't understand. "What are you gonna do about it, huh?"

 

It sounded like Dean had ran a marathon and Sam knew his brother could run, but Dean didn't look sweaty and Sam didn't understand. Then he looked down, at his own jeans and squeezed his dick through them, wanted a little friction. Wanted more than what he could give himself and then Sam started laughing.

 

"Dean shower.." Sam said and he didn't stop laughing even through he knew some of the words missed. "Sam too want.."

 

Dean took a step closer, Sam could see that because his shoes got closer, then Dean took yet another step and Sam could feel Dean's breath on his cheek and his knees buckled again and this time, Sam couldn't catch himself, thankful that Dean was there and Sam leaned his weight on Dean's chest and breathed him in.

 

"What do you want, baby?" Dean asked, his hand was still resting on Sam's lower back and Dean's other hand caressed the hairs in his neck and Sam groaned, he wanted to be Dean's baby all the time. "Do you want to take a shower?"

 

Sam looked up at him then and shook his head. Sam didn't want to touch his own dick in the shower, scared he'd fall over and hurt himself. Maybe Dean.. What if they.. Sam wasn't sure how to make Dean understand and Dean was still holding him and Sam could see all kind of stars and fireworks and it felt like electrical power shoting through his body when Dean dipped his hand just a little bit lower on Sam's back.

 

"Note.." Even if the last word missed, Dean would still understand and Sam knew that.

 

And Sam had been right. Of course. Dean always knew him better than anyone. And Dean started to move, but he didn't let go of Sam, instead Dean backed into the house and Sam walked with him, close, so close and it hurt, it was painful, but Sam could control the pain at the moment, because he wanted Dean to touch him, had wanted for Dean to do so a long time that week.

 

Dean gave him the notebook, and Sam took it from him, placed it on Dean's chest and started writing when Dean also gave him a pen. Sam's cheeks was already hot, but he felt them getting hotter, but that didn't do anything for his erection, because he was still hard and when Sam was done writing, he lifted up the book for Dean to see.

 

It took no longer than five seconds before Sam got an reaction from Dean, five seconds, that was all it took for Dean to moan low in the back of his throat and he shifted his hips, made a movement that made Sam threw his head back and moan out loud because his dick rubbed up against Dean's thigh and it felt so perfect. Soon, Sam would be as tall as Dean - dad had told Sam that - but at the moment, he was shorter and it felt so good to be so close and Sam wanted more.

 

"Damn it, Sammy." Dean whispered, his voice horse and Sam looked up at him because Dean never cursed in front of Sam, almost never at least. "Have you never.. touched yourself down there like that?" Dean asked and Sam shook his head and sighed, a little shy and feeling a lot stupid.

 

"Sam not.." Sam took a deep breath, his voice sounded so weird. "Sam never knew.." One word missed, but Sam could see that Dean understood, could feel it too by the way they stood so close to one another.

 

Dean took a step back, then one more, before he totally let go of Sam and Sam didn't like it. Sam wanted Dean's hands on him again, because he felt so cold when Dean's touch disappeared. But then the cold feeling vanished, because Dean took Sam's hand in his own, rubbed his thumb over Sam's puls point, then he dragged Sam upstairs.

 

Usually, it'd take Sam at least two minutes climbing the damn stairs to get both up and downstairs, but with Dean's help, Sam only had time to count to twenty four and Sam liked that. Then Dean opened his bedroom door, not Sam's, and walked in, dragged Sam after him and Sam followed him willingly. Sam was so hard in his jeans that it almost hurt to just walk and for the first time since he was in the car with Adam, Sam remembered how painful it had been when Dean had touched Sam's dick last time and Sam got a little scared that it'd hurt now as well.

 

"Are you sure about this, Sam?" Dean asked and stroked his cheek and back to his neck and Sam closed his eyes and breathed through his nose, it felt so nice being this close to Dean. "We can wait if you're not ready."

 

But Sam didn't want to wait, he wanted Dean to be the one teaching Sam this, Sam wanted Dean to want it too and Sam opened his eyes, looked up at Dean and smiled as he nodded. He wanted it, he was sure and Sam really didn't want to wait.

 

"No." Sam shook his head and took a step closer to Dean, so close they were sharing the same air. "No wait."

 

It was taking too long, Sam broke eye contact with Dean, the beautiful green in there was overwhelming and Sam took a step back, kept his eyes downcast as he crossed his arms over his abdomen, took a grip of his t-shirt and pulled it off. At that moment, Sam didn't even wonder where the hell his jacket had gone, he was getting undressed and it felt nice. And Dean looked at Sam with these eyes again, his eyes were half-closed and Dean looked so..

 

"You're so beautiful, Sammy." Dean said, stretched out his hand and ran a few fingers down Sam's chest and Sam's heart started beating so fast it almost hurt, but Sam wanted more.

 

That's why he took a step closer to keep Dean's hand on him and when Dean got the hint, he did something Sam hadn't ever done to himself and it made him moan again, higher that time. Dean pinched his left nipple, made it hard and Sam squeezed his own still denim covered dick between his thumb and longfinger and it was almost too much and not even close to enough.

 

"Show me how you do it." Dean said, with a higher voice than and Sam smiled.

 

He blushed even harder as he pulled down his jeans and boxer briefs in one go, Sam didn't even have to unfasten them, they were getting too big for him around the waist and then Sam stopped thinking, because he stood hard and naked before the only person Sam wanted to touch and be touched by in that spectacular way and Dean bit his own lip as he slid his hand closer, closer and Sam opened his mouth but not words came out but before Dean could reach Sam's hard on, Dean's hand moved up again and Sam remembered then what he had said. Show Dean how he did it.

 

Right. Sam could do that. Of course.

 

Looking up at Dean's face, Sam saw how Dean looked at Sam's dick with big eyes and Sam blushed even harder as he reached down with his own hand, took a hold of it and squeezed at the base, then he looked down at what his own hand did and he squeezed a little harder. Sam's dickhead was red, almost purple by then and that was when he saw Dean reaching out and Sam held his breath.

 

"You can't.." Dean sounded breathless and then Dean's hand circled Sam's wrist and pulled Sam's hand off his dick. "You've got to go slow, baby boy."

 

Sam's hips buckled forward at that, the nicknames would never get old and Sam felt for the first time that week that his brain finally started to work somehow, because Sam felt oversensive bodily, his mind wasn't as trapt as before doing this with Dean. Sam didn't know what that meant, but he liked it, very much too, and it scared him just a little.

 

Before Sam had time to understand the change in his head and thoughts, he felt a something in the palm of his hand, it felt like a gelé sort of thing but not the stiff kind like Dean used in his hair, but a cold, sticky gelé and Sam looked down at his hand and saw the almost invisible gelé in his hand and then Dean took Sam's hand in his own and smeared it out.

 

"Now try grab your dick from the head." Dean said and Sam looked up at him, blushed before he looked down at his own dick and did like Dean said.

 

Sam circled his hand around his dick, by automatic his hips bumped out and a low moan escaped his throat as Sam let his eyes close. It was cold, it felt nice and almost too much and yet he was just holding his hand there, squeezing now and again, because it felt nice and embarrassing at the same time. Dean was still dressed and Sam didn't like that.

 

"Dean too.." Sam said and opened his eyes and looked up at Dean. "Naked."

 

Dean just shook his head, he didn't say anything and Sam didn't want to be the only one of them standing there naked, but he couldn't force Dean either. Before Sam had time to ask something, say anything, Dean grabbed Sam's hand, the same hand that was on his dick and was Dean going to take his hand away? But why? And..

 

"God damn it, Sammeh." Dean groaned, Sam looked up at him from under his bangs and his own breathing was also a little ragged. "So fucking hot, baby."

 

Sam pushed forward then without much warning from his brain and their hands slid down over Sam's dick in a motion that reminded Sam of how Dean had done it in the shower and he didn't even have time to think before everything took a hold of him, pulled him down onto the bedside and Sam wasn't sure how it happened, but then Dean was there, on top of him and Sam wanted more and it hurt and he moaned out loud.

 

Sure it hurt, a lot, it was painful and it felt like a burning sensation or something, but being trapped, being beneath Dean like that, also felt overwhelming, great and awesome, like Dean would've said if he could, but Dean was on top of him, still dressed and Dean's face was in the crock of Sam's neck, and Sam could feel Dean's lips there and tounge. It hurt. It felt amazing.

 

"I'm sorry, so so sorry." Dean whispered over and over again and Sam wasn't sure why Dean was sorry or why he even said it, but Sam didn't feel sorry and Sam really didn't want Dean to feel sorry either. "I should.. really, I should.."

 

Before Dean could get off of him, Sam grabbed his hand and pushed him down again, it took his breath away being so close to Dean, their hips pressed together and Sam felt.. Sam felt Dean's dick through his jeans and he was hard too - just like Sam.

 

"Dean stay." Sam mumbled, kissed the side of Dean's mouth. "With Sam."

 

For the first time in forever, Sam said something completely understandable, even dad would've understood him then and Dean stopped struggling and Sam lost his own breath, because Sam hadn't ever thought it'd be possible for him to speak his mind and now he did and Sam really liked it.

 

"You.." Dean said and Sam looked up at him, leaned forward and kissed him on the lips.

 

"Stay." Sam whispered, that was all he needed to say anyway and Dean nodded into the kiss, then it grew deep.

 

Dean caressed his sides, his stomach, his chest and Sam moaned aloud to the touch, it felt nice, it was painful and Sam really wanted more, but not sure how to ask. Dean had done this many times before, Sam was sure, but Sam had never done it with anyone and Sam wanted Dean to teach him what to do.. but he didn't ask, not sure how to.

 

Then Sam felt Dean backing away from the kiss, felt his tongue disappear from his mouth and Sam whimpered and then Dean laughed as he got up on his knees only to look at Sam with a smile on his face. And his cheeks were red, his eyes weren't so much green anymore, and Sam didn't understand but he was sure it didn't matter anyway.

 

"Show me what you do." Dean said then, his voice sounded so deep and husky and Sam nodded and looked down at his own dick that he was still holding and squeezed the head in the palm of his hand. "That all?" Sam nodded and sighed. "Huh.."

 

Dean took once again a grip around Sam's own hand, not even touching the skin of Sam's dick and Sam was glad he wasn't because he didn't want to head Dean in the forehead again, didn't want them to ever stop and Sam didn't want the pain back like last time. And Dean's hand was a bit smaller than Sam's own, but stronger, and his grip got a little tighter, which made Sam's dick jump and then Dean guided his hand down in a smooth movement and Sam threw his head back and shut his eyes.

 

Three quick strokes and a squeeze to a nipple and Sam came, that was his undoing and it felt like a thunderstorm and fireworks in his body and Sam couldn't really help the scream that escaped his lips, it felt so nice, beautiful and Sam never wanted the feeling to end.

 

But of course it did. Sam's sperm was on his belly and chest and Sam didn't like the sticky, warm feeling of his own cum slowly cooling against his naked skin. And then Sam's head got clouded again. Dean was hard, but now Sam wasn't. Sam wanted Dean to feel the same as Sam had felt, but Dean was still dressed and now Dean was moving, very quickly out of the bed and Sam was so scared. What if he walked away to never do this again? Sam wanted to protest, to ask something, do anything, but then Dean got out of bed, unfastened his own jeans and turned as he pulled his jeans down and faced Sam.

 

"I just.." Dean said and Sam witnessed how his brother took a firm grip of his dick through his briefs, stroked the hard flesh quickly and Sam moaned at the sight, wanted to see more. "I love you so much, Sammy." Dean said as he came and Sam bit his lip as he felt his own dick twist at the sight of Dean's orgasmatic face and the hot sperm that made a wet spot on Dean's briefs and Sam knew it wasn't tears, because dick's didn't cry.

 

And then the room grew quiet and Sam wanted to look how Dean was doing, but his eyes couldn't focus, he felt an awful lot tired and his mind was starting to close down, to trap him inside again and Sam didn't like it.

 

"You go to sleep and I'll get you cleaned up." Dean whispered somewhere over him and Dean sounded almost normal, which meant Dean wasn't either sad nor was he angry, Sam smiled and nodded his head as his eyelids closed on their own.

 

When he woke up however, he wasn't naked anymore, had a pair of boxer briefs on and Dean was no where to be seen. Sam walked down to the kitchen only to see Jim by the stove and Dean wasn't on the first floor of the house either and Sam didn't like it. Sam wanted Dean there, not gone and away and Sam felt wet rolling down his cheeks before he realized he was crying.

 

"Hey Sam." Jim said and Sam shook his head, he didn't understand a thing at the moment. "Why are you crying?"

 

Was he crying? Yes. But why? Because Dean..

 

"Isn't home.." Sam tried to dry his eyes, but the wet only reappered and Sam didn't like it, had never liked the wet on his cheeks when he was sad. "Not Dean.."

 

Jim was silent for awhile and Sam wondered what had made his mind so clear earlier that day but now it was foggy again and Sam didn't like it. It was like his mind, thoughts and brain couldn't cooperate with him at all and then Jim laid a hand on his shoulder and smiled once Sam looked up at him.

 

"Dean will be home soon, Sam. The work called and wanted him there." Said Jim and Sam sighed and nodded, tried once again to make his cheeks dry but it didn't work.

 

After dinner that night, Sam waited for Dean to get home, but then Jim told Sam to go to bed and Dean wasn't home yet and Sam didn't like it. Sam wanted Dean to be home, wanted him to be there, because Dean had said he loved Sam and now Sam wanted to say it back. But Dean didn't show that night and neither did he the next day and Sam figured he'd done something wrong, otherwise Dean wouldn't want to spend time with stupid girls instead of with Sam.

 

And that was when Sam knew there was no way back from the not eating thing, because Sam was going to take away the autism inside him so that Dean could see and understand that Sam felt the same thing for Dean as Dean felt for Sam. And if that meant he'd need to stop eating to gain a little control in his life, in his head, over his autism, then so be it. Sam would do anything for Dean. Just about anything.

 

Jim cooked the two of them food every evening because Dean wasn't at home anymore and dad was on a hunt and Sam didn't want to eat anymore, but he could lie to Pastor Jim like he could Dean and dad, that was why Sam eat the food Jim served, but once the man had gotten the plates off the table and went into the livingroom to watch the news on Tv, Sam got up from the chair as well, went upstairs and got the water running, like he had seen it being done on a few series on Tv, and then Sam let the food up and out.

 

He couldn't afford to loose any more control. That was why he made himself sick these times he couldn't avoid eating.

 

 

 

* * *

 

Sam accepted the fact that Dean wasn't home most of the time, but Sam just couldn't accept the truth of the beings. Sam had autism, he was stupid sometimes, but Sam knew what Dean did without anyone telling him and Sam didn't like it. Dean was with girls, kissing them, he had even said once he'd marry one of them. Dad had only snorted, Jim had looked at Sam and Sam had tried to ignore it all together. But it was hard. Just as hard as Sam's dick was most of the time when Dean finally got home. And hard just like the way his heart beat so when Dean finally looked at Sam and Sam wasn't stupid, he knew Dean still looked at him the same way as before, Sam just didn't understand.

 

How could Dean be thinking of Sam when Sam knew Dean was with girls? And Sam didn't want to think about that, like he didn't want to think about the bones on his body, just beaneth the skin. And Adam was still nice to Sam, still talked with him and laughed with him, not at him or over him, but actually with and for once, Sam had a real reason not to come home for dinner, because Sam had finally made a real friend. A friend that wasn't bad, a friend like Adam wasn't anything dangerous. And Sam liked it.

 

But now Bobby was visiting and dad had told Sam first thing that morning not to be late home from school and Sam didn't understand it. Sure, it was nice having Bobby there, Sam liked Bobby and his dead garden with a lot of cars, but Sam didn't want to be home, to eat, to later be forced to make himself sick. The hunger pains he used to have was now gone, because his stomach must've forgot how it felt to be hungry and Sam was thankful, the stupid  pains really wasn't fun.

 

So instead of going to the mall, like Sam liked to do with Adam, he got a ride home instead from him. Sam didn't like the stores in the mall, had never liked stores, but Adam seemed to think the same, that was the reason it was so much easier to go there with him, to just have a cup of coffee and talk.. not like Sam talked a lot, but he tried to - and look at other people doing their crazy shopping.

 

"Don't be a princess, Sam. We'll see each other tomorrow and I bet we'll have a blast at the game." Adam said and Sam looked at Adam's shoulder and smiled.

 

The only other person who used to call Sam a princess was Dean and Sam liked it. Adam was a lot like Dean, even if they didn't look alike, Adam was still acting like Dean in many ways and Sam liked that. If the real Dean didn't want to be with him like Adam wanted, then Sam was going to be with Adam just like Dean was always with girls. Sam shook his head, sometimes lately, his head had a difficult time to spell the right things and names and sometimes he wasn't even sure what he thought about anymore. It was scary, Sam didn't understand it and it was scary too.

 

But Adam, like anyone else, didn't seem to notice anything and Sam wasn't sure how he felt about that. The game was up the next day too and Sam nodded, he really liked to watch football, even if Sam didn't like to be on the feild. Adam was a great friend and Sam had tried to say so too, but the words never really made themselves out, which made Adam not understand Sam and Sam didn't like it. But as always, Sam tried. Sam wanted to..

 

"Be friend.." Sam smiled, it was the right words even if a lot missed. "To Adam."

 

"Yeah. You're my friend too, Sam." Adam said, looked at him before he looked at the road again and Sam witnessed the look on his face, it was happiness, that he could see. "I bet your brother'd kick my ass by saying this, but.." Adam looked at Sam again before he looked at the road and Sam could sense the smile in his voice. "I have to admit to you that no one seem to understand it and at first I didn't too."

 

Sam looked at him before he looked out the side window of the car and frowned. Sam had thought Adam would say something more, to explain what he meant to Sam, but Sam had autism and yet he understood. He understood that Adam didn't understand why he was Sam's friend and Sam didn't like it. But before Sam could say something too, he felt Adam looking at him.

 

"But I understand it now." Sam tensed up at hearing that, because he wanted to know so badly why Adam wanted to be Sam's friend too. "Many people in this ass town think you don't understand the smallest of things and I got so mad when I heard it the first time, how people talked behind your back _and to your face_ , that's why I told our math teacher in sixth grade. Do you remember the meeting with the parents?" Sam didn't even have to think before he nodded. "I didn't want you to feel like an outsider. And then when I heard what Theodore had done.."

 

Sam looked at Adam then, so fast that his neck hurt, but he had to see his face for this, because the teachers knew, but the students didn't and Sam shook his head. If Adam knew, then everyone else must've known as well. But how? And for how long? Sam wanted to know so badly and then Adam stopped the car and Sam looked out to see that they were at the house.

 

"No one but me and Ricky knows, Sam. Because we pressed him the last week, wondered where he had gotten the black eye from. He finally told us the day before moving and Ricky had to hold me back, otherwise I would've killed the fucker." Too much words, too much anger and Sam started to rock himself a little, he knew Adam wasn't angry with him, but it still confused Sam.

 

"But Adam.." Sam shook his head and looked out the window, not sure what to say. "Angry with Sam too."

 

That got Adam to react in a way Sam hadn't even tried to foresee, and then his body was pressed to Adam's warmth and strong arms held him close and Sam closed his eyes. It hurt, but he could control the pain and Adam was so warm and Sam wanted that moment to never end. Sam wasn't sure why, but he missed to be touched, to be hugged, that was why he leaned into it, to the touch, the hug and Adam's body. Sam's dick didn't even get hard.

 

"I could never be angry at you, Sam. Not over that, because it wasn't your fault." Adam whispered and Sam nodded. "Uhm.. I think.. your brother is here.." Adam sounded weird and it took Sam a few seconds to really understand the words, then Adam pushed Sam away and Sam sat up straight and looked elsewhere but at him and Sam wasn't even sure why. 

 

"So like I said, I understand now why I want to be your friend." Adam said and Sam nodded. "Because you're smarter than anyone I know, funnier than most people in this ass town and I know you'll grow up to be something big in this world. I just know it."

 

Sam looked at Adam then and smiled widely at him, because that's what Dean used to say too. And if they thought the same thing without talking about it with one another, then maybe it was true. Before Sam had time to say anything, he was just a second about to fall out of the car as the door opened from the outside and first Sam didn't understand how it could happen, how the car door could open on it's own, then he felt Dean's hands on his own and soon after that, he was pulled out of the car by the help of his brother.

 

"No.." Sam said, broke free from Dean's grip as Dean tried to get him away from the car, then Sam leaned down and looked at Adam through the opened door and smiled at him. "See Sam.." Adam nodded. 

 

"Tomorrow, Sam."

 

Then Sam closed the door, watched as Adam got the car started and waved when his first, real friend drove away from there. Sam turned back to Dean when the car and Adam disappeared down the road and Sam could see that Dean wasn't happy but Sam didn't understand why. Dean wanted Sam to have friends, Dean had said so himself, so why weren't Dean happy? Sam didn't understand and he sure as hell didn't like it.

 

"He hurt you.." Dean said and Sam broke eye contact with Dean and shook his head.

 

"No.." Sam bit his bottom lip, not sure what to say or do anymore. But Adam.. "..didn't hurt Sam."

 

Dean went silent then, didn't say anything for a few minutes and they just stood like that, silently in front of one another, for a few minutes before Sam could see Dean slowly relaxing. Sam didn't understand how Dean sometimes thought. Adam hadn't hurt him, he had just hugged Sam. Not a biggie. Sure painful at first, but not in a bad way and Sam could control it.

 

"Don't you hear it, Sam?" Dean whispered and Sam looked up, leaned his head to the side and listened to what Dean seemed to hear, but then Dean laughed and shook his head as he added; "You twat. What I meant was, don't you hear it Sam? You're talking.." Sam narrowed his eyes, he didn.. "Like, really talking."

 

And that was the time Sam really thought back, and his mind was a fog with heavy clouds, but somehow Sam had been talking lately like he had never talked before. And that was a surprise, because Sam hadn't thought about it. A surprise and a happy sign that what he was doing wasn't for nothing after all and Sam smiled widely at Dean as they made eye contact.

 

"Sam talk.." Sam said and continued just to try it out. "Talk with Dean too."

 

Both of them gaped at that, because it all made since, not a missed word and Sam couldn't feel more happy than he did at the moment and that's why he started jumping up and down.. that was, until he felt how his T-shirt rid up a bit on his stomach and Sam stopped moving, got completely still and looked up at Dean to see.. and Dean looked happy. Thank god.

 

Bobby met them in the hallway, hugged Dean close to him and Sam considered it, but took a step back when Dean and Bobby let go of one another. Sam had never hugged Bobby before, but Bobby was a smart, old man, Sam knew that because Dean had told him so, Bobby was even smarter than dad and if Sam hugged Bobby then and there, Sam was sure Bobby would feel every inch of bone in him and Sam didn't want that. Bobby however just smiled at Sam and Sam smiled back, Sam really liked Bobby because Bobby had never pressured Sam to do something he didn't want to and according to Sam, that was very smart.


	7. Chapter 7

They hung out, hooked up and got together.. Or whatever it was that they did. Sam knew they were friends, Adam got him to the game, Sam fixed them a place at the outdoor cinema and Sam really liked his time with Adam even if the guy could have a bit of an ugly mouth sometimes, but mostly Adam made Sam laugh and forget about all things considering. Bobby was staying at theirs for a while, which meant the place got a little tighter and Dean ended up sleeping with Sam in his room. But they never touched again and Dean didn't speak much.

 

Sam didn't either, not sure what to say. He knew Dean would answer him and talk back if Sam talked, but Sam wasn't sure it was a good thing or not, that his brother always kept his distance. For Dean, it seemed to be the best thing, even if he got drunk a lot more lately, but on Sam's part on the other hand, sometimes it just felt like he was invisible. Bobby and Jim never treated Sam like air, but they were too busy with the hunt or whatever and sometimes they just didn't have time. Adam however had time for Sam and Sam was very thankful for that.

 

But now, Adam was at home or something, Sam wasn't too sure whatever the reason, but Adam wasn't in school that morning and Sam didn't like it. In a few weeks, it'd be Sam's seventeenth birthday, he was going to become a man then and Sam didn't like it when dad put it like that. Sam didn't want to be a man, Sam wanted to be a boy, a teenager, Sam wasn't ready to be a grown up just yet and it was all so confusing. And Sam was getting boney. Not as before, but much, much worse.

 

And Sam had learned how to shower himself, just to keep his naked body out of Dean and dad's sight, Sam didn't want them to know, was scared they'd get mad at him and Sam didn't want them to be angry with him. But Ricky had said something to Sam that morning, Ricky was Adam's friend and he wasn't Sam's friend, but Adam was Sam's friend and Adam wasn't there that day and Ricky had said to Sam that ' _his jeans had holes because of his too boney ass, shouldn't he be eating? Wait a minute, haven't seen him eating in a long time_.'

 

And maybe Ricky hadn't said it to Sam, but at Sam, over Sam, like Theodore had done, talked with other people while Sam was close by, because Ricky had looked at Sam when Sam found enough courage to look up at him, but he was standing with other people by the cafeteria and Sam wasn't too sure if it was meant for him to hear it or not, but he had and Sam didn't want his jeans to have holes in them.

 

That was why he skipped lunch - like he always did - and locked himself in the locker rooms of the school. Not that it had locks on the doors, but it was empty and Sam closed the door behind him. As he stood by the biggest mirror he'd ever seen, Sam started to rock himself a little, not sure where to look on his body to see the hole and as he turned, Sam blew out a hiss of air. Not because it hurt, that wasn't it, but because sideways, he could see how his T-shirt sunk in between his boney ribs, and Sam narrowed his eyes at his reflextion, because Sam was sure it hadn't been that clear to see from the start or if it had just started out to show but Sam didn't like it at all.

 

But where was the hole? Sam tried desperately to look at himself in the mirror from behind, but he kept falling over and Sam looked up at the ceiling only to see it and not see the stars and the moon that would've been there at the moment. It was always there when Sam was upbit and stressed out, when he needed to calm down and catch his breath, the moon always showed itself to Sam, but now it didn't and Sam didn't like it.

 

Where had the moon went? Was it sleeping somewhere? Sam shook his head and looked around the locker room even through he knew it was empty before he started to undress himself. He hadn't had gym class for over a month, had said he couldn't because it hurt his body and the gym teacher hadn't been mad and let Sam rest instead - or take a walk. Sam didn't like how he - for a few weeks now -  could count the ribs in his chest and Dean would be so angry with Sam if he saw it.

 

Sam shook his head, looked down at his hands as he gripped his jeans and pulled them down and Sam narrowed his eyes before he frowned, because Sam didn't like how he looked so close to naked, because he was all bones and no fat and absolutely no muscles like Dean. Dean had muscles all over his body and Sam liked that, then Sam remembered he was in the locker room, somewhere he should avoid thinking these things cause the guys there wouldn't take it greatly if he pulled a hard on in front of them. But he was alone, but the rule still stood tall in front of him and Sam pushed away the imange of Dean's muscles to the back of his mind, the least he needed was trouble with the succeer team that'd soon be there to practice.

 

And Sam's hipbones pointed straight out at him and Sam stroked his fingers over them, didn't understand how he could've gotten so skinny all the sudden and then he remembered why he had gotten himself undressed in the locker room. Right. Ricky and Sam's holes in the jeans he was still holding in his hands. Sam looked down at them and widened his eyes as he saw the hole there on one of the buttcheeks. So not fun at all.

 

Sam dipped his finger into the hole, it wasn't big - but big enough for everyone to see it if they just looked for it - and Sam didn't like it. Sam was soon to turn seventeen and then he'd wish for new jeans so he'd be able to threw those away and forge.. Before he had time to finish the thought, to take a step back or at least to cover himself some, the door to the locker room opened and Adam walked in.

 

It was just Adam, Sam's friend.. But Adam hadn't been there all morning and Sam bent his head and looked up at him from under his bangs, not sure what to do now, because Adam stood there a few steps away from him and Adam looked like he had become paralysed or something, just standing there with a gaping face as he stared at Sam and then into the mirror and Sam could see how Adam's eyes got a lot wider.

 

"I thought you just grew out of baby fat or something.." Adam whispered and Sam wasn't sure what he meant or if he was even talking to Sam or himself. "I never thought.."

 

Sam wanted to scream, to hide, to cry. But for the first time in forever, Sam found himself unable to move, he didn't even hurt himself, he just stood there, staring at Adam just as scared as Adam looked like he was, then there was other voices coming into the room as well and Sam got a little panicked as he lifted his free hand to his forehead and pressed 'til he saw stars - bad, burning stars - and it started to hurt.

 

And then arms were on him, on his bare shoulders and pressed him into the wall before someone - Sam wasn't sure who it was anymore - pushed him into the darkness of the toilet and the door was shut before the lights blinked and Sam felt how wet started to run down his cheeks and then the lights went back on, filled the room with a sun instead of a moon and Adam stood there, breathing heavily as he leaned his forehead to the closed door to the toilet and Sam didn't want to be there then. Almost naked and totally ugly and skinny.

 

"I should've.." Adam grew quiet again and Sam dropped his jeans to the floor and started to hit himself with his two own fists against his head. "Stop it, Sam."

 

Adam sounded close but Sam didn't see, Sam didn't stop, because now it was over, now Adam would tell Dean and Dean on his own would tell dad and Sam didn't want that. Adam let out a quiet moan, but Sam didn't look up at him, his own world was shaking itself and soon it'd come crushing down.

 

"Sam.." Adam almost sounded like he was the one in pain, like he was scared of something and Sam looked up only to take a big step back.

 

Adam was two beats up in the air, away from the floor and Sam would've screamed if he had the power to, but he kept quiet as he watched his friend slowly get down a hitch, but never close enough to the floor and.. and the only thing Sam could think of was dad.. Dad was a hunter, he wrote a journal of things like this and it had to be something supernatural, something.. like a spirit or something.. And then Adam whispered;

 

"You fucking need to calm down!"

 

Sam looked into his eyes then and Adam did the same thing and Sam succeeded taking a big enough breath to feel all his mixed confusion and fear disappear and soon after that, Adam was standing on the floor again, by himself, on shaky legs and Sam wanted to go there to him and still he didn't, too scared to understand what had just happened.

 

 

"Ghost.." Sam said and shook his head, he couldn't talk to anyone about these things.. "dad knows."

 

Adam was shaking, Sam could see that and when he took a step closer to Adam, Adam took a step back and Sam frowned, he didn't understand why Adam seemed so scared, it had been a ghost and they could..

 

"No Sam." Adam said and shook his head at Sam and Sam broke the eye contact with him. "It wasn't a freaking ghost!"

 

No ghost? But it was! It was! Sam was sure about that because dad wrote about these things, he hunted them down and sent them to hell or heaven or whatever and Sam wanted to talk to dad about it, wanted to tell him to hunt at the school because there had been a ghost and Adam didn't believe Sam, just like dad and Dean had always said no one would but there had been a ghost. Sam was sure about it.

 

"No.." Sam looked down at his jeans that was on the floor now and sighed. "Dad told Sam." It made sense in Sam's head, but when he looked up at Adam, Sam was sure he didn't understand.

 

"Get the fuck dressed, Sam and we'll get out of here." Adam just said and Sam looked down at his jeans again and it took him exactly four minutes and fourty nine seconds to get the jeans back on and half a minute to pull the T-shirt over his head and get it on.

 

Then Adam took Sam's hand and hauled him out of there, Adam seemed to ignore the rude comments they got, but Sam didn't. When Ricky met them by the door to the locker room, he put himself between the door and Adam and Adam still didn't let go of Sam's hand and Sam didn't understand what was really happening right there.

 

"Get out of my fucking way, Smith." Adam used Ricky's last name and Sam had never heard Adam sound like that and Sam wasn't even sure if he was angry or sad or something else, everything seemed like a blur at the moment. "Do as I tell you or I'll kick your fucking ass."

 

Okay. Angry it was. But was Adam angry with Sam or with Ricky? Sam wasn't sure, but Adam was still holding Sam's hand and Sam was pretty sure no one that was angry with him would hold his hand as well. Sam didn't know how Ricky looked, because Sam didn't want to look at him right then and Ricky snorted out a laugh.

 

"You should've told me you were gay." Ricky said and Sam narrowed his eyes. "Fucking faggot!"

 

And Sam had seen Queer As Folk, seen the two first seasons, so he knew what faggot meant and it made him angry, but before he could start pressing his free hand to his temple, Adam pushed him past Ricky, opened the door for Sam and shoved him out of the locker room, still holding his hand and then they almost ran to the parking lot and Sam wasn't sure why he did it, but he fallowed Adam into the car even if the school wasn't over for the day.

Once they were in the car, Adam let Sam's burning hand go and he started the car after a few moments of catching his breath and Sam wanted to ask, to know, to question, but he kept silent, like he always did. Instead he leaned his forehead against the window and sighed, then watched how the air crossed the window and Sam kept it up 'til Adam told him to stop. Then they were quiet for a long time and Sam could see that they weren't on the way to home, and Sam wasn't sure if he liked it or not when Adam finally pulled the car to a halt in the middle of nowhere, the only thing outside was trees and a feild of grass that had started to grew.

 

Before Sam had time to react to the car stopping, Adam was out the door and he paced the road in front of him and Sam didn't understand. Was he supposed to get out as well? Was Adam angry with Sam for Sam not eating? Sam was so confused but decided anyway to get out of the car and once he stood by the hood, he wished Adam weren't about to leave him there.

 

"First of all, what the hell, Sam?!" Adam screamed and Sam covered his ears and started to rock himself a little, he didn't like when people screamed like that. "Second of all; What the fucking hell, Sam?!?" Adam's voice still got through Sam's hands and Sam didn't like it.

 

"Sam.." Sam rocked himself a little harder, fingers gripping his hairs above the ears without uncupping them and his eyes were wet and so was his cheeks. "Not angry with Sam."

 

Adam didn't scream anymore then, and it took Sam a moment to look at him and Adam was looking at Sam too, his eyes wide and wet and Adam took a step closer to Sam, another one and yet one more 'til he was standing just an inch from Sam and Sam shut his eyes, squeezed them tight, he had never been that scared before and Sam honestly thought Adam was about to hit him. But then Adam touched him by the lightest of toches ever on Sam's cheek and Sam blinked his eyes open and Adam didn't smile, but he wasn't angry anymore. It took him a few minutes, but he uncupped his ears and dropped them to his sides as he let out a heavy sigh. Sam was so tired from just breathing.

 

"I'm sorry, Sam. Didn't mean to scare you like that but.." Adam stroked Sam's cheek with his thumb and shook his head a little. "I have never been lifted in thin air before.. and it wasn't a ghost Sam." Sam shook his own head at that, because it was, dad knew that too if Sam just told him and then they could hunt the basta.. "No, it wasn't a ghost Sam, it was you."

 

It took Sam awhile to understand what Adam had just said, then he laughed and shook his head. No way in heaven it was him who had done that! No real humans had powers that allowed them to lift up another human being without using their hands. Sam knew that, because Sam might have autism, but he knew a lot more than anyone knew about the supernatural stuff out there and Sam knew it wasn't a possibility for him to do such thin..

 

"Listen to me, Sam." Adam said and Sam looked up at him, looked him in the eyes and lost his breath then and there because Adam's eyes showed that he really thought it was Sam who was the one doing it and no matter what Sam said, Adam wouldn't believe him. "I'm not mad.. I just think.. I mean, if you're honest about what your dad does, maybe you should tell him or whatever what happened today. Or you could let me talk to him, you know."

 

Adam talking to daddy Winchester about.. about what, exactly? Sam shook his head, took a step back from Adam, then another one 'til the hand on his cheek dropped to Adam's side and Sam shook his head some more. Was he having one of those nightmares again? Sam'd had nightmares lately, and some nights, Dean would wake him up by whispering to him and Sam was never really sure what the nightmares were really about and maybe he was having one now as well and soon Adam would turn into a monster and Sam would wake up and..

 

"I'm not leaving 'til you agree talking to him, Sam. Because people that's more closed minded or whatever than me, won't think of you like a superhero, they'd want to lock you in if they'd ever find out. I don't want that happening to you, Sam." Adam said and Sam shook his head even more, he wanted to wake up now.

 

Why wasn't he waking up?

 

But Adam was still stading there, talking about some superhero powers when there was a ghost at school. Sam didn't like it, but he nodded, only to get Adam off his back, because Sam knew he wasn't the one doing the lifting thing, knew it couldn't be him.

 

"Good boy." Adam said after awhile and Sam smiled, it sounded like Adam was talking to a puppy dog, not Sam. "So over to your eating disorder. You know you've got it, right?"

 

Sam frowned. Eating disorder..? Sam wasn't sure what Adam was trying to say and Sam looked up at Adam without finding any answers there. Sure, Sam knew he had been avoiding food and vomiting whenever he had eaten, but his eating had no disorder. Truth be told, Sam had only heard that word before and Adam had been the one saying it then as well, to Ricky of all people, talking about some girl.

 

"No Sam.." Sam looked down at Adam's chest and sighed. "No diordr." It was a hard word to say the least, but Sam had at least tried and Adam didn't correct him when he said;

 

"Yes, Sam, that's exactly what it's called if you're not eating. And you know what comes out of no eating?" Adam asked and Sam shook his head, too much, it was getting a little too much.

 

"Sam sick.." He said, because Dean and dad had told him so since age four, he had almost never felt real hunger. "But.. Sam eat." It came out right and even through the situation was difficult, Sam smiled, Dean would've done it too if he was there then.

 

Adam started to pace the ground again, the empty road no one seemed to like driving on and Sam watched him pace. What was Adam thinking about? And why did he look like he had lost his hand to a game? Sam laughed a little at the thought, had heard Dean use these words a few times and it had always made Sam laugh because it sounded funny. Dean was almost always funny -when he didn't kiss girls. Sam heaved out a deep breath and watched as Adam finally turned back to face him and stopped walking around, to just stand there and staring at Sam.

 

"I've seen you eat two times these past seven mounth, Sam. One only last week.. do you remember what I asked you?"

 

Did he? Sam nodded. Of course. Adam had asked..

 

"..if Sam sick.." Everything didn't came out and Sam tried again. "Sick to stomach, Adam said." And it was as close as his mouth would allow.

 

"Exactly and now I feel really shitty. I'm the worst friend ever." Adam said and Sam shook his head and frowned. "Don't argue, I should've known. But I honestly only thought you were like.. growing or whatever, because you're getting tall too, Sam." Sam nodded, he knew he was gettig taller, could feel it too sometimes at night. "I'm sorry."

 

Why was Adam sorry? Sam didn't think Adam should say sorry, because he had nothing to feel sorry over. It wasn't like it was Adam's fault Sam had autism. Sam wanted to protest, to say something, but he just wasn't sure what he could say, because Sam just at that moment knew Adam was right. He had an eating disorder.. and maybe that was why Sam lost so much weight.

 

"Not sorry Sam." Said Sam and walked up to stand before his best friend and Adam looked at Sam then and smiled. "Adam friend."

 

Adam reached up to stroke Sam's cheek again and they felt close, Sam felt nice, it just felt nice being touched again. Not that Sam wanted Dean to touch him, because Dean would figure it out too and Dean would get angry with Sam and Sam didn't like it.

 

"Yes, I'm your friend, Sam." Adam said and kissed Sam's nose, something no one had done before and Sam laughed in surprise. "But you'll have to tell your family about you not eating, or I'll have to risk our friendship to save you. I don't want to watch you die, Sam."

 

Sam shook his head, he wasn't going to die just because he didn't eat. It wasn't that dangerous. But Sam would've to tell Adam, lie to him somehow, and say he'd tell Dean tonight so that Dean wouldn't find out and be angry with Sam for not eating. Sam needed to keep this going, needed to keep his stomach empty, otherwise his autism would get back in his brian as much as before and Sam didn't want that.

 

"Sam tell.." Sam promised and when Adam raised an eyebrow at him, Sam continued; "Tell De no food."

 

A short time after that, they got back into the car and drove the way back into town and when Adam looked at the clock, he cursed and Sam laughed before Adam speeded the car up and turned the car to the direction of Sam's home. All Winchester men was there, both dad and Dean on the porch, waiting for him and so was Bobby as well.

 

One glance at Dean and Sam knew he was angry. When he got out of the car and waved goodbye to Adam, Sam walked up to the stairs and looked up at his family who looked happy to see him, relaxed even and Sam shook his head and wished he could explain and not lie. But when Dean asked him where the hell Sam had been and why he had skipped last class, Sam broke down.

 

And none of the Winchesters asked anymore, neither did Bobby. But Jim did when the Pastor got home and he even made Sam eat and sit at the table for awhile after the food was eaten. Sam wasn't sure if Jim suspected anything, but the Pastor didn't say anything about it and he didn't protest when Sam almost ran up the stairs after Jim had told Sam he could leave the table. He needed to clean out his system and he even forgot to turn on the damn water, and what Sam saw in the bowl when he looked down to flush the toilet, after he was done, scared the shit out of him.

 

Red water danced on the surface. Blood.

 

* * *

  


 

If Sam'd describe his disability, like Dean kept calling it - not a disorder or illness - he'd say it was like a prison he was kept in. The autism made it hard to breath sometimes, because it was Sam's reality, something no one could change or really understand even how hard they tried, and it hurt sometimes too, not only did the slightest touch hurt and the confusion was always on his mind, lurking around, and it became painful sometimes too, when Sam wanted it the least, like painful in his chest when dad was yelling or painful like it was right there at the very moment, when Dean was in his room upstairs, kissing a stupid girl with big boobs.

 

Sam had thought Dean would stop doing that, they had something, Sam knew it was real by the feel of it and Dean kept looking at him but he never touched and it hurt because Sam wanted Dean to touch. Not his penis maybe, or his bare flesh or skin, but he wanted Dean to not want to be with girls, Sam wanted Dean to only be with Sam like Sam felt about him. It was all so confusing, and yet so right and the pain didn't fade even when the girl went downstairs to leave and Sam didn't like it. None of it. Because it hurt.

 

Dean was there too, in the hallway, talking to the girl in a soft manner and Sam really wanted the moon to reapper, to become his safe place where he could go whenever Dean did this to him, but the truth hurt even more by then, because Sam knew the moon wouldn't feel like it had before, because Sam was getting too old for that kind of support and it just wasn't fair. Sam still needed the moon, the wings, he really wanted wings like he had wanted it while a kid. That want never disappeard, but the safety of the moon had and soon the wings would too.

 

They'd fall off of Sam's back, if they hadn't already. Sam knew, of course he did, Sam knew he didn't have wings, not real ones and hadn't ever had it, but sometimes it felt like it had been real, his dreams, especially when Dean was like that and now Sam was hurting, not only his heart and chest, but also his entire body. Sam was getting tall, dad told him every once in awhile, but dad never mentioned the weightloss, no one did and Sam sighed as he heard the voices in the hall, heard Dean promise the girl to call her soon, which Sam knew Dean wouldn't, because that was how Dean acted with girls. He kissed them alright, but he never did kiss the same girl twice.

 

And yeah, the wings would fall off, because Sam wasn't in heaven, he wasn't a good boy and he sure as hell wasn't a angel. Sure, Sam know he was not going to hell, because God would understand why Sam didn't eat, but if the wings didn't fall off on its own, then Dean or dad would probably rip them off, because they had told Sam so many times to eat or he'd get sick. Sam was already sick, in the head, and no matter what Dean nor dad said changed that.

 

Sam wasn't even sure the not eating / vomiting thing would change it either, because it had been months, he had really tried his best lately and Dean hadn't touched Sam after that night Dean had said he loved Sam, not like Sam wanted Dean to touch, Dean hadn't even tried to kiss him after that and Sam was glad at the same time, because he didn't want Dean finding out just how skinny he had become. And he was all bones to say the least. Sam was boney and ugly and skinny and Dean was beautiful and Sam wouldn't ever be good enough for him, wouldn't ever be able to touch like Brian and Justin did. But Sam wanted, he wanted so badly and Dean didn't want anymore. Why didn't Dean want him?

 

His brother was either always with stupid girls in their homes or he took them there, to where Sam could see and hear and Sam didn't like it. And he didn't understand. Dean wasn't touching him anymore, hadn't even tried, not even a hug and that was good and bad and painful all at once. Sam never understood how it all could feel so much at the same time. Maybe Dean didn't like Sam like Sam liked Dean? Maybe it was wrong like man doctor Robert had said so long ago. Maybe Sam shouldn't like Dean like that.

 

But Sam did. And Sam liked it. But he didn't like that his brother was so confusing. Because Dean had never confused Sam on purpose before, not like he meant it and now it seemed like Dean didn't want to do other things than to confuse Sam and kiss girls and Dean succeeded to confuse him and Sam didn't like it. Sam wanted Dean back, wanted the hugs and handholdings, Sam also wanted to kiss but at the same time, he didn't. Because then Dean would find out and he'd get angry and Sam didn't want him to be angry. He wanted Dean to smile, but at him and not some stupid girl he had just kissed.

 

"What do you want for dinner?" Dean asked once he got in there, got to where Sam was sitting in the living room, but he never crossed the room to touch or even sit down beside Sam on the couch and Sam didn't like it. "Jeez, Sammy, what's the matter?"

 

Sam looked up then because Dean sounded so weird and Sam didn't want Dean to sound like that, he had to know why, but when Sam looked up at his brother's face, the emotions in his eyes were a blur and Sam huffed a annoyed breath and shook his head. Sam didn't want dinner, didn't want to vomit again, he surely didn't want Dean to look at him like that. Dean looked so.. Sam didn't find the right words for the thing in Dean's eyes and then Sam lost focus in his eyes and looked down and away from Dean's face and eyes and Sam's eyes landed on his own dirty socks.

 

He nearly never got dirty and now Sam was and he really needed a shower, he could feel that by the smell, but he hadn't showered in a week, because he was getting too boney and it almost hurt when the water hit his skin. So now Sam was dirty and it disgusted him and Sam really didn't like it. Sam never liked messes, never made one himself, but now it was different however, now Sam just couldn't keep himself clean and together, because it felt like heaven and hell was about to crush him under the weight of the stupid water. And why was Dean still standing there? And why did he look so weird?

"Sam?" Dean sounded so close so suddenly that Sam looked up at him right there and Dean was so close to him, hand hovering over his cheek and Sam leaned into the touch when Dean finally took a hold of him. "What got your panties in a twist this time?"

 

The words should've made Sam upset or maybe angry or something other than smile, but Dean looked down at him with heavy eyes, just like Dean always had done before a kiss between them and Sam shivered, he really wanted Dean to kiss him and when Dean caressed his cheek and leaned in, Sam closed his eyes and pushed forward. For the second time ever, he was the one who'd started the kiss and Dean hand tightened on Sam's cheek.

 

After a few seconds, the other hand of Dean's came up to rest in his hair and Sam moaned, couldn't help it when Dean pulled a handfull of hair in his fist and it was painful and felt so damned good at the same time and before Sam could reach out, grab a hold of him and pull him closer, Dean let go of him with a soft growl in the back of his throat, then he was standing by the doorway again, looked stressed out and tired and Sam wanted him back, but didn't ask.

 

"We shouldn't.. Sam, we can't.." Dean shook his head, sighed before he turned his back on Sam and said before he walked out of the house; "There's ice cream in the fridge. Don't wait up."

 

And then Dean was gone and the house got empty. Well damn.


	8. Chapter 8

Two weeks later, one day after his seventeenth birthday, Sam stood in the hallway and looked into the mirror with a frown on his face. Sam didn't understand it, not really, how he could've lost so much weight during these months, he looked awfully dirty and disgusting, and Sam didn't like it. Sam turned that and the other way, always kept his eyes to the mirror and the frown on his face never really faded as he took in the bones just beneath the surface of the skin and wrapped his mind around it. Sure, Sam knew that not eating anything for about a year would make a person lose a few pounds, but he had never imagened it'd be looking like it did, because he looked ugly.

 

Sam sighed. It had to be that - ugly looking - or the autism to resurface, because at the moment, Sam's mind was totally free from confusion, it felt like he could finally take a step outside himself - outside the autism - and for the first time in his entire life, Sam felt free, like he could finally breath without feeling somewhat trapt inside himself. Sam knew he had always been different, but it hadn't been a problem before, because Sam was perfect, Dean had always told him that. Now however, at that very moment, Sam knew it had become a problem when his dad had put a name to it and it had became a much bigger problem after facing up to what he wanted for himself but couldn't have it because of the autism inside him.

 

Maybe Sam was wrong - he wasn't totally sure  however - but Sam was almost sure he'd gotten rid of the autism because of his newfound sickness in the progress of not eating. The eating disorder as Adam had said, eating disorder was a sickness too and Sam had it and his autism had almost disappeared, or so it felt inside his head anyway. On the outside however, it was just the same. Sam's body didn't cooperate with the things he wanted - like running, he had never been able to do that - and his speech, his voice and words was still a mess sometimes, and Sam didn't like it. And the eye contact was just the same as always, sometimes he'd be able to hold it for a period of time, but most of the time, he lost focus and broke it just as quickly.

 

But Sam was sure that if he kept it going, kept doing what he did - the not eating thing - that maybe, hopefully, he'd be able to get through that as well, make his body and mind cooperate at the same level.

 

Sam stood like that, in front of the mirror for a long time, not afraid someone would walk in on him and see his bones, because no one was home. It was the fourth time he was on his own - alone - in the house that mounth and it didn't bother Sam anymore, it actually felt nice being alone sometimes, just so he'd be able to think about things and not get interuppted, like he usually got whenever he tried to think about how easy it'd be for his family too see the change in Sam if he accidently did something and the clothes would rid up and they got to see the bones.

 

And now? Now Sam knew he'd have to do something to avoid showing his family his new sickness, he couldn't really afford them knowing, because they'd get angry with him and Sam knew they wouldn't ever understand why he put himself though it, even if he tried to explain it to them. None of them had autism, they were all perfect, both in body and mind, and Sam was the only one being autistic and Sam didn't like it. Not that he wanted them to have it too, of course not, but they wouldn't understand and Sam wouldn't ever be as perfect as them.

 

Oh right, Sam shook his head as he turned back to the mirror, standing tall in front of it, looking at his stomach and the hipbones looked ugly and wrong, his jeans hanging low on his hips and soon they'd dropp off and that was one of the reasons why Sam knew he'd have to find something, do something to hide it better, because as it looked, it wouldn't take long before his dad or Dean, or maybe even Jim or Bobby, would notice his extreme weight loss and Sam wanted to avoid that at any cost.

 

That was the reason why Sam went upstairs and started going through his own things, searching for something to.. Sam stopped dead in track and frowned.. what was he supposed to do if he found something? What would he be doing then? And what exactly was he looking for? Sam wasn't too sure and shook his head to clear it, he'd have to hide it - his body - from his family members, and if Sam was serious about that, then he'd have to find a way to.. put things between himself, the bones and the clothes.. Of course!

 

But nothing in his own room fitted to do so and yet, Sam wasn't sure exactly what he was searching for, but Sam hoped he'd knew it when he found it. Therefore, he went into Dean's room as well, trying not to make a mess in the already messed room, but yet Sam didn't find anything to hide his body from them. The last alternative was almost an forbidden thought - Sam knew it'd be easier finding anything in Jim's room anyway - but what was he supposed to do?

 

"It's for.." Sam started, then shook his head, sometimes he was still so stupid, talking when no one was there. "own good." A word missed in the sentence, but no one was there to misunderstand him and before he could get second thoughts, Sam walked into dad's room.

 

And dad wasn't home, Sam knew that. It had been Sam's birthday the other day and dad had been there then, dad had given Sam a beautiful blue knife with a moon on it's shaft and Sam had really liked it even if he didn't really understood why he got a weapon when he wasn't even hunting like dad and Bobby was. But now, the day after Sam's birthday, dad had found a hunt, left that morning and promised Sam he'd be back. Sam just didn't knew when - neither did his dad.

 

But dad still had things in his room, because the room was dad's even when dad wasn't there and Sam crept inside, really tried to be quiet - even if he knew no one was in the house - and looked into dad's drawers, wished no one got home before he found something he'd be able to use. And when Sam opened the second drawer, he smiled. Finally.

 

Pulling out the wounded and damaged crap of towels, Sam held them in front of him and couldn't really resist counting all the dark spots on the towels that should've been white and stopped at fifty four, couldn't really count them all since the towels were that dirty. But when Sam lifted them to his nose and smelled them, he thanked God they were cleaned. It was two big ones and six small, and without thinking about it, Sam closed the drawer and went down the stairs again to look what he could do with them.

 

It took Sam almost fifteen minutes to figure out he'd have to cut the two bigger into three sets of small peices so it wouldn't look weird, and when he had cut them and accidently cut himself as well in the finger, Sam went back to the mirror and started to wrap two of the towels around his chest, then four around his belly and then the rest of them around his hips. And when Sam had moved and pushed and rightened them, he put on the jeans and his long-sleeved T-shirt again and then Sam smiled at himself in the reflextion of the mirror.

 

If he hadn't knew it was the towels that filled him out, Sam himself would've been convinced he hadn't lost as much as he had - he looked great.

 

* * *

  


 

Sam had succeeded fooling everyone around him, even himself when he looked into the mirror, but naked, in the shower, Sam knew he wasn't fooled, knew he was soon about to die. Because no one that skinny - like Sam knew he was - could survive much longer than he had. It had been two weeks since he had found the way to avoid getting caught in what he was doing to himself, two weeks and a day since his birthday and it had been a great two weeks with no much confusion and words that got out somewhat different - not always right but different nonetheless - and Adam had even said a few times he was happy Sam'd gotten help.

 

Sure, Sam didn't want to lie, didn't like doing it. But when it came to the eating disorder and Adam, Sam knew he had to, otherwise Adam would tell on him, tell dad and Dean, and Sam didn't want that. So, to avoid the truth coming out, Sam lied to Adam too and Sam didn't like it. He could always write in the new journal he had gotten from Dean - but he didn't - Sam wasn't too sure Dean wouldn't read it and thereof, Sam didn't talk about it at all, nobody knew and that was okay, Sam knew that as well as he knew he was soon to dropp dead if he kept it up.

 

Sam didn't want to die. But he also didn't want to start eating again. Sam really didn't want to feel trapt inside his autism again. And if Sam started eating again and let it happen, Sam knew the autism would reapper and Sam really didn't want it to. Better off dead than being autistic. That was what Sam thought anyway and he was sure everyone would agree with him. Sam wanted so much and the autism stopped him from getting it and that wasn't a life Sam wanted.

 

And that day, that day was the first day Sam thought about death, that day was the first time Sam ever thought he was about to die - that day, was his last. And Sam knew it before getting out of bed that morning. Because the world around him kept spinning and Sam didn't like it. But instead of complaining when Dean walked into his room and told him to get up, Sam buried himself underneath the blanket a little more, he was only in his boxer briefs beneath it and he was scared Dean would see the bump of bones.

 

Dean kept on stressing him and Sam looked over at the clock on his nightstand and sighed, he was going to be late and that was what Dean kept saying as he laid Sam's clothes on the bed, not even looking at him and Sam didn't like it. Dean was still nice, Sam was still in love with him, Sam knew that, but sometimes Dean was stupid too and Sam didn't understand it. Didn't understand why. Then Dean walked out of his room and Sam hurried into his clothes, closed the door before he went to the mirror to get the damn towels right and the world never stopped moving.

 

It took him about fourty minutes to get ready and by then he hadn't even faked eating breakfast, by the time he got downstairs, Dean was pacing the floor and Jim looked worried somehow and Sam didn't understand it. But then Dean looked at him, rolled his eyes and gave Sam a banana without saying a word. Sam looked at it, made a grimace, but put it in his backpack because Dean was still looking at him and Sam didn't want him to know. They said bye to Jim, Dean drove him to school and the first thing that morning, the first class, was gym class and by the look of things, Sam knew he wouldn't be able to miss out on it this time around.

 

Because the gym teacher met up with Sam as Sam got out of the car, jogged in place as Sam waved bye to his brother and the whole world kept spinning in front of Sam's eyes, his ears had a weird noice in them and he wasn't really able to make out what the teacher said and Sam didn't like it.

 

"Did you hear me, Sam?" The teacher said and Sam looked at him, but his eyes was too unfocused and the teacher kept jogging.

 

Did Sam hear him? Yes. Sam nodded. Which was a bad idea, because he almost lost his balance. The teacher took a hold of Sam's arm, keeping him upright, then the man teacher laid a hand on Sam's forehead before he stopped jogging and cursed. Sam repeated him. Yes, he was surely about to die that day and he was going to take the autism with him into the grave. Either that, or the autism was on the way breaking free from the wall Sam had built up around it and Sam hadn't even eaten anything, so he didn't understand how it was even possible.

 

"You're burning up." The teacher - Holden - said and Sam narrowed his eyes and tried to focus on his own breathing, there was no way he was burning up, he wasn't on fire, or in it for the matter. "I want you in the nurses office, now."

 

Sam didn't understand. Why would the manly Holden want that? The teacher. The manly man. Sam blinked. He was getting confused again and Sam didn't like it. But the air around him was cold and hot at the same time, and without knowing how or even feeling the hand on his arm, Holden pushed him through the doors of the school and Sam kept moving, his head spinning, his body shrinking, his mind screaming in confusion and Sam blinked so much and so hard.

 

Yes. He was going to die. That day.

 

Sam heard the words the gym teacher said to the nurse, heard her talk back to him, and he also heard the summer birds that hadn't come yet and Sam saw the moon on the ceiling and everything was spinning. He saw the moon. The moon was back. Sam smiled and the world was spinning, he was rocking and Sam didn't understand it. Something was in his mouth suddenly but Sam couldn't focus enough to understand what it was, then a hand was on his forehead. The hand wasn't his own. Neither was it Dean's. Not even Adam.

 

Stupid girls and women and boobs. The nurse had boobs. She was a woman too. And Sam didn't like it. Had never really liked girls with big chestes. Sam liked small, flat chests, he also liked green eyes and pink full lips against his own. Dean's lips. Sam was going to die that day and Dean didn't want to kiss Sam.

 

"He has no fever." The nurse said, Sam could hear her. "How do you feel, Sam?"

 

Was it a question? Yes it was. Did she point it at him? Yes. Could he answer? Sam wasn't sure about that. But he blinked again, hard a couple of times, and tried really hard to focus his eyes. And he made a grimace when the first thing he saw was the nurse's boobs. Sam didn't really like boobs. He liked Dean.

 

"No.." Sam looked away from the nurse's boobs and sighed. "Sam and.." Damn, like Holden had said, damn. "gym class."

 

Sam didn't understand it himself, too far gone in himself and Sam didn't like it. There was no thing in his mouth any longer and the two people in the room looked at him, waited for him to go on and Sam wasn't sure why. He couldn't really make himself understand, how was he supposed to make them understand as well?

 

"Do you want to join gym class today? Is that what you mean?" The nurse asked and Sam frowned and shook his head.

 

"Yes." He said instead and shook his head harder, he didn't want that because.. "..Sam ugly."

 

Well, it was at least the truth. But that hadn't been the words he had wanted to say and the world seemed to disappear a little, like it was just him there, in a darkness he didn't understand and Sam felt a little scared. If the autism was back, had broken down the wall Sam had built around it, the autism had to be mad at him for locking it up.. maybe that was why the world kept spinning like it was.. maybe the autism had gotten much worse than before because Sam'd had a long time away from it?

 

"No Sam, you're not ugly." The Holden man teacher said and Sam sighed. "But gym class is good for everyone and it might make you realize that you're not ugly."

 

Sam didn't understand. How could gym class be any help with that? Sam bit his lip and nodded, then shook his head and at least he sighed, not completely sure what exacrtly was being said. And then, without even remembering how or when, he was in the locker room but it was empty and Holden looked at him, dropped his hand and said;

 

"The guys are ready, get out there when you are too." Sam nodded, then Holden added before leaving him alone to change; "If you don't want to run, you don't have to. Just listen to your body, Sam and if it says stop, you stop. Okay?"

 

Sam nodded and heard the teacher leave the room and Sam looked around, not sure he'd fall through the floor if he moved, but he tried and nothing happened. Sure, Sam almost lost his balance, tripped over, but he caught himself just in time before falling face first and Sam neither understood  nor did he like it. And his mind changed so fast, one second it was okay, clean, the next it was confusing, full and autistic.

 

But Sam just sighed, no one would understand anyway, and changed into other clothes. Sam always packed down gym clothes even if he never joined gym class anymore, it was still a habit hard to break and Sam was thankful today was no difference. Once he had changed, Sam grabbed the wall and lead himself out of the locker room, kept himself pressed to the wall when he got into the big, green room where the gym class held it's action and Sam saw dots of dirt in front of his eyes wherever he looked and Sam found himself not liking it.

 

Before he had time to react or try to keep himself upright, he fell to the floor. Sam couldn't even prevent getting hurt, because it seemed like his entire body had stopped working. Then there was all kinds of people above him, looking down at him but Sam couldn't hear them, their words were a blurr and then the dark, dirty dots in front of his eyes grew bigger and Sam knew he was dying.

 

"Dean.."

 

Was the last word out of his lips before the world turned itself black before him.

 

 

 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

The world was still black around him and Sam wondered if he was dead now.  
  
But where was God? And Sam's mom? Shouldn't Mary meet him soon? Jim had told Sam they would when Sam died of old age. But was Sam old? No, he wasn't. Had he died? Sam wasn't sure.  
  
There was voices, he could hear them and a weird sense of burning on his body. Was he alive? And burning? Like Mary had done on the ceiling of his nucery? Sam wasn't sure what to think or believe, but the voices didn't die out and he heard a lot of cursing words too. God wouldn't curse. Sam was sure of that.  
  
Jim had told Sam a lot of things, about God and mom and all in between. But Jim never talked to Sam like he talked to Dean. Dean.  
  
Sam wasn't sure how he knew it, but he just knew he had to see Dean again and he couldn't wait for Dean to be old and die. Sam just knew he wanted to see his brother's face and hear his voice. Sam didn't want to die.  
  
So instead of trying to talk through the complete darkness when his words didn't work, Sam prayed in the silence of his mind. If God was on the outside, looking in, Sam was sure the dude would hear him, would hear every single word Sam put in his prayer. And Sam asked God, almost ordered him to bring him back to earth, to Dean and if God did that, Sam promised he'd start eating again.  
  
But appearently, his prayers had been unheard or uncared for and the mindblowing, overwhelming darkness caught up on Sam again and the voices slowly died out and so did Sam. Dean was the last thing, the last person he thought about before the darkness pulled him down. He was never going to see Dean again.  
  
  


* * *

 

 

When Sam became aware again, he felt the overpowering smell and touch of Dean by his side and Sam never wanted to wake up from the dream he was having. But when he felt the burning sensation and felt Dean's arms around him, Sam knew he was awake and alive and he thanked god for that. But would his eyes work? Or was they going to be dark again? And why was the room still spinning a litte?  
  
But instead of worrying too much - Sam didn't want to worry now when Dean finally touched him - Sam threw one of his arms around Dean's body and settled his cheek on his brother's chest. Dean wasn't naked. Of course not. Sam wasn't either. Right? But when Sam heard the sound of dad, he knew he wasn't naked for sure, but the sound dad made was something Sam'd only heard once before, Sam turned towards that sound and opened his eyes to see dad sitting on a chair and cried. Sam realized where they were and didn't like it.  
  
He had never really liked hospitals.  
  
"Dad sad." Sam said and looked up at Dean - not in the eyes but almost - then back at dad's teary face. "Why?"  
  
Sam had been prepared for Dean's words, his voice - Sam really liked Dean's voice - but instead of saying something, Dean leaned forward and Sam widened his eyes, couldn't really believe that Dean would kiss him now, with their dad and the Pastor of God in the same room. But instead of going at his mouth like Sam had thought he would, Dean leaned his face into Sam's neck and inhaled deeply. Sam giggled a little, it felt nice, then he closed his eyes because Sam could feel Dean's lips and hear the sounds from wet lips on his skin and then there was a tongue at the center of his neck, just below the ear and Sam bit his lip.  
  
It burned alright and Sam wasn't sure he wanted Dean to do that - not because of the pain - but because of the secrets Sam had kept from him and he still didn't want Dean to find out. Dean would be angry then, with Sam and Sam didn't want Dean to be angry with him, Sam just wanted Dean to be there - like he was in the moment.  
  
"Dad's sad because Sam's sick." Dean whispered against his ear and Sam blinked his eyes open before he looked at dad then up at Dean again.  
  
"Yeah, Sam autism." Sam said it right, for the first time, yet he couldn't feel happy about it.  
  
Dad had always been sad about Sam's autism, Sam knew that. Dad and Dean always fought about the disability and Sam wanted to tell dad, wanted dad to know how much Sam was trying to fix it - fix himself. But he couldn't. If Sam said that, then dad would know too and Sam didn't want him to. But then he remembered what he had promised God - if he made Sam wake up again to be with Dean, then Sam would start eating again.  
  
Damn, Sam knew he couldn't take that promise back, because God had made his deal of the promise and Sam would have to keep his as well. Sam didn't like it, but he had promised, and you just don't lie to a dude like God. Sam sighed, he had to keep his promise, had to try his best to make it up for all of them, because Sam knew he had screwed up. Now Sam had to eat again and Sam knew what that meant. His autism would be back full force and Sam really didn't want that. But he just couldn't undo the promise, because God had already helped Sam back and now Sam needed to do his part.  
  
"No, dad's not sad about that, Sammy." Dean said and kissed Sam's nose, Sam giggled a little, he didn't understand why both Dean and Adam would do that for. "Why did you stop eating?"  
  
Oh! Dean knew.  
  
Sam frowned and turned his head away from Dean, couldn't beare to hear him getting angry with Sam, something that had never happened before. Sam didn't want it to happen there as well, but it would and Sam knew it and didn't like it. Dean would be so mad and so would dad too. Was Jim going to be mad at Sam too? Sam had never seen Jim angry before, not with Sam anyway and it scared him. If Jim would be angry then God was going to be angry too, Sam knew that because Jim had a close band to God and talked to the dude and Sam didn't want Jim to be angry with him.  
  
Sam could hear Dean talk, of course he did, he was in the same room, in the same bed with him, Sam couldn't block him out even if he wanted to. And Sam didn't want to. But at the same time, he did. But his brother didn't say anything anymore about Sam not eating and dad got up from the chair but Jim pushed him back into it. Sam didn't understand. All he did understand at the moment was that no one was angry with him. And Sam liked it.  
  
The doctor walked into the room shortly after knocking, standing at Sam's bedside and stretched his hand out for him and waited. Sam looked at the hand, then the doctor's chest and smiled. Sam didn't like girls and boobs. The doctor was no woman and had no boobs. When Sam looked up at the man's chin, he smiled, he had a brown beard and Sam knew it was a man by then. Sometimes he was so stupid, because he should've known that when Sam realized there was no bumps on his chest like girls had.  
  
It took Sam almost three minutes to finally take the doctor's hand in his own and it felt weird because Sam didn't knew him and yet they were holding hands. But the doctor just didn't hold his hand, he shook it in the air as well and Sam laughed a little. The doctor told Sam that his name was Nick Brown and Sam nodded. He could understand that, because the doctor had brown eyes. Then Sam broke the eye contact and the doctor let go of his hand.  
  
"You see this, Sam?" The doctor asked, held a black ink pen in front of Sam's face and Sam nodded.  
  
"Of course." He said and it had really been.. "..Stupid question."  
  
"Yeah, well.." Nick laughed and so did the others too, Sam frowned, didn't understand the houmor. "It's not a pen." The doctor said and Sam wanted to protest, but the doctor clicked on the head of the pen just as Sam was about to open his mouth and there was a light where the sharp end should've been. "I need to use this so I'll be able to look into your eyes. Is that okay?"  
  
Sam looked at the pen that had a light in the other end and then he looked up at the doctor and nodded. But when Nick planted a hand on Sam's forehead, a finger below his eyes and the other on the eyelid above it, Sam didn't like it and turned his head away, hide his face in Dean's neck and sighed.  
  
"It's okay, Sammy. He'll just look into your eyes." Dean whispered against Sam's hair and Sam shook his head.  
  
"But.." Sam swallowed, his voice sounded so weird sometimes. "No touch Sam."  
  
"He has to." Dean said and Sam looked up at Dean then and shook his head, he didn't want the man doctor Nick to touch him and Dean smiled, Sam could see that because he was watching his lips. "I can touch you like that then, if you want."  
  
It was not a question, Sam heard that, but it sounded like one but wasn't. Sam didn't like it but he nodded. It was easier if Dean did it than the doctor and Sam watched Dean's hand raise to his face, could feel the butterfly light touches on his cheeks with Dean's fingertips and all the pain and burning sensation disappeared, leaving Sam a little breathless and then Sam felt how Dean pulled at his skin below and above the eye, but the touch was still slow and light and it didn't hurt.  
  
When doctor Nick had shone with the light in both Sam's eyes, they all seemed surprised. Sam didn't understand why, but he wondered. Of course he did. Because dad never praced Sam before, not like he was then and his words and voice filled Sam's chest and heart and when the doctor had walked out the room, Sam looked at dad and smiled brightly, kept the eye contact for a long time before he said;  
  
"Sam love.." And it was true. "Daddy."  
  
Sam loved him. Had always loved dad. Just not as much as Sam loved Dean. Dad got up from the chair and went to his bedside and stretched out both his hands and Sam looked at them before he looked up at dad's face and smiled. Dad wanted a hug and Sam leaned into him over Dean's body and dad caressed Sam's hair and kissed him on top of it before backing away.  
  
But dad didn't say it back. Had never said it back. But dad wouldn't have hugged Sam like that if he didn't love him. Or at least, that was what Sam liked to convince himself, because all Sam wanted, at that very moment, was something he had never wanted as much before. Sam wanted dad's love back. And if dad couldn't say it, Sam believed the hug was words enough, because in some weird way, it was for Sam.  
  
Dad and Jim went outside the room after that and Sam knew dad was about to leave and so was Jim and Dean too and Sam didn't like it. As mentioned before, Sam had never really liked hospitals. And why couldn't he go home? Just like the rest of them? Sam wasn't sick anymore. He had woken up. God had helped him too. But he was still staying in the damn hospital, alone, and Sam didn't like that.  
  
Dean cupped Sam's chin, made him look up at him and Sam forced the eye contact to last a little while longer, tried to say to Dean what his words couldn't and Sam knew he had succeeded when Dean leaned in and kissed him slowly. No tongue. Just lips on lips and Sam liked it. Finally, Dean was touching Sam again and he wasn't backing away.  
  
"I'm not leaving you, Sam." Dean whispered against Sam's lips and Sam nodded carefully, because they were so close to one another. "Not tonight, not ever." Dean promised and Sam's stomach made a happy dance and he would've laughed if it hadn't been for how he instead started to cry.  
  
And Sam wasn't even sure why he cried. But Dean held his promise, after Sam's big brother had talked to the doctor, a nurse came in with a bed on wheels and placed it beside Sam's bed and Sam liked it. Not only would Dean stay. But they were also going to sleep almost in the same bed again. And Sam liked it. What he didn't like however, was how the nurse also placed a brick of food in Sam's lap and said;  
  
"I'm not leaving the room before you've eaten it all. And then I'll also stay half an hour after you've finished your meal."  
  
It wasn't going to be easy. Sam knew that. It would hurt a lot and he would beg God to take his part away many times, but Sam was awake, God wouldn't take his life away and Sam knew it was going to be difficult. And it was going to hurt and it'd make him cry. Sam knew that. But when Sam looked at Dean who sat just an inch from him, Sam also knew it was worth it. Dean wanted him there - alive - and Sam wanted to be with Dean. Even if it meant his own stupid autism would get in the way sometimes, Sam knew it was all worth it.  
  
Because of Dean.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
The following day, Sam was allowed to go home, Dean drove them in the 'pala and Sam felt like he was already home, in the car with Dean, that was his truely home and Sam said that as well, not with as many words maybe, but he made Dean understad and Dean looked at Sam, took Sam's hand in his own and smiled brightly as he said;   
  
"It feels like my home too, Sammy." Dean looked back out on the road and Sam did the same, but none of them let go of the other's hand. "Wherever you are, is where home is to me."   
  
No chick flick moments. Sam had heard that a lot of times growing up. At first, he hadn't understood what it meant, but each time it happened, Dean had told Sam that 'this' was a chick flick moment and they should try to avoid it because it was embarrassing. Sam understood right there, in the car with Dean, and the words his brother had said was just a typical..   
  
"Chikk-flic.." The words weren't even close to right but Dean laughed anyway.   
  
"Sure it is." He said and looked at Sam. "But it's true." Then Dean winked and Sam smiled brightly at him and they both laughed then before Dean once again turned back to the road.   
  
They had talked a lot that night, Dean had said he was sorry for many things and Sam hadn't liked it. Sam didn't want Dean to be sorry for anything, but Dean had been. And that night, in the hospital, Dean had apologized to Sam and Sam knew why, because Dean told him the reasons. Dean hadn't been nice to Sam, kissing all these girls in front of him, and Sam agreed. It had hurt a lot in ways Sam didn't understand and he wanted Dean to himself, Sam had said so too and Dean had promised he would from that moment on, Sam was glad. And right there, in that moment, Sam felt the need of saying something too;   
  
"Sam loves.." Sam shook his head, it wasn't the right thing to say, he knew that because Sam didn't love Dean the same way Sam loved dad. "Sam in love Dean." Sam said and felt himself blush, but he still looked up at his brother who once again looked over at him as well.   
  
They just looked at one another, in silence and Sam wasn't sure what that meant. They hadn't talked about love before, about this, about Sam's feeling for Dean. But Dean had said he loved Sam, after he had touched himself. Maybe it was a lie? Or maybe Dean had meant he loved Sam the way Sam loved dad? But then Dean pulled the car to a halt, a few cars behind them pulled the horn as they drove by and shoved a finger out the window, but Sam was too scared to understand what that meant.   
  
Dean drew his hand out of Sam's grip and Sam didn't like it. He felt cold and Dean had promised to never leave Sam. And Dean had kissed Sam too, a lot of times and Sam didn't want to kiss dad that way, Sam was sure Dean didn't want that either. But then Dean put both his hands on Sam's cheeks and it burned and Sam shook his head as he tried to calm himself down, tried to take control of the pain, but it was difficult and Dean must've noticed, because he let Sam's face go and Sam didn't like it.   
  
"Sometimes you like me touching you. Sometimes you don't. Can you tell me why, Sam?" Dean asked and Sam looked at him and sighed.   
  
Could he tell Dean why? Maybe. Did Sam want to tell him? Sure.   
  
Sam bit his bottom lip and watched Dean watch it, then he pulled his tongue out just to see how Dean would react to that and Sam had never thought Dean would react the way he did and it was.. it was.. amazing. Dean breath somehow got trapt before his eyes half-closed and he let out a strange noise from the deep of his throat and Sam liked it.   
  
But Dean shook his own head too, blinked a few times before he stopped looking at Sam's lips and looked him in the eye instead and Sam knew he wanted an answer to the question he had asked and Sam sighed. Was his words going to come out right? Was Dean going to understand Sam? Sam had no idea, but he tried anyway.   
  
"Sam.. Sam feels.." Sam shook his head and lost the eye contact with his brother. "I want Dean touch.." There, it was a start and..   
  
Wait! He hadn't put himself in thrid point of view, like he always did when he used his voice. The first tries he had done it, but not the last and it surprised Sam to the core. Dean blinked a few times before his eyes grew just as big as Sam's and then Dean clapped his hands and Sam didn't like the sound but Dean looked happy and Sam wanted Dean to be happy.   
  
"You.. You.. Sam!" Dean said as his hands stopped clapping and Sam started to laugh, his oh so talkactive brother had lost his words and Sam couldn't help finding that funny.   
  
"I want Dean touch.." Sam said again and learned he liked how it sounded. "Light touch of Dean. Like butterfly and fireworks."   
  
They sat in silence for a long time, the cars drove by and was totally ignored. Sam liked how the air around them seemed to change and Dean yet again raised his hand to Sam's cheek, but instead of a entire palm to press against it, Dean only used his fingertips and stroked them out in a tickle before spreading them wide and finally placed his whole palm to Sam's cheek and Sam had to close his eyes and breath heavily. Sam really liked how it felt.   
  
"So you like it tender, huh?" Dean asked, his breath just inches from Sam's lips and Sam bit his lower lip and moaned - a little shyly. "I'd be as tender as you want me to, Sam."   
  
And before Sam had any time to even concider answering him, Dean's lips was on his and it felt amazingly warm, tingly and just as tender and slow as their other kisses had started out. Sam placed his hand on Dean's shoulders, pulling him closer, wanted more, taste more, feel more, just more. Then let out a strangled moan as he parted his lips and Sam carefully slid his tongue into Dean's mouth and every thought he'd had disappeared at the moment thier tongues connected. And once again, Sam's head and mind felt free.   
  
But one of them had to pull back to breath and it was Sam who broke the kiss first with a whimper of the lost connection of their bodies, of their souls and Sam smiled as he thought of it. Yes. Their souls were connected. They were like Romeo and Juliet. Only, Sam wasn't a girl. And the proof of that tented the front of his jeans.   
  
Dean blinked at him and Sam smiled. They sat like that - sharing one another's air - for a long time before Dean pecked his lips with his own once more, then again before he broke away with a smile and started the car again. Sam was in a happy state of mind, he liked kissing Dean, he liked being with him and finally he was. Before Dean turned out on the road again to head home to their waiting family, Dean looked at Sam and said;   
  
"I'm in love with you, too."   
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Sam didn't like eating, dad was pushy and it all went to hell. Sam got angry, dad got angry, Dean got sad and God seemed to shrink because Jim did too. Jim never said anything stupid, didn't force Sam to eat like dad did and Dean feed Sam candy when no one saw. Jim was a good, old man and Sam liked him. Sam also liked Dean, just not in the same way. And the more pushy dad got, the more angry Sam became.   
  
The third day Sam was home, he even awoke to feeling angry and Sam didn't like it. That had never happened before and it wasn't going away. Even after he had showered and dressed that morning, Sam felt angry out of his mind. Maybe it was because the hunger pains had came back. Maybe it was because dad never let go of the stubborn shit he was doing, or maybe it was a mixture of these things together, Sam just wasn't sure. But one thing he knew however, was that it was hard to do it, to sit down and eat and wait at the table afterwards. And it was hard to vomit later too, because nothing came up and Sam was just so angry.   
  
God didn't seem like a fair person to Sam that day, because Jim talked a lot and Dean was quiet and dad tried to pressure Sam to eat and Sam didn't like any of it. He wanted Jim to be the usual man Sam knew, wanted Dean to talk more and he really wanted dad to stop pushing. And God just didn't seem fair, because Sam had made a promise in fear. Now he wasn't scared anymore, but he still didn't want to die.   
  
"Sam, you've got to eat." Dean said and Sam shook his head. "It doesn't matter how hard it makes you cry, you've got to get better, damn it!" Dean said, his voice getting higher and Sam didn't like it, didn't want Dean to be angry with him.   
  
"Sam don't.." Sam sighed, he didn't knew why, but he kept the words of me myself and I at a distance when dad was in the same room. "want to."   
  
Sam could eat the bananas dad gave him, even the strawberries and the damn water he could swallow, but the food on the plate in front of him at the moment, made him cringe, made him taste bile in the back of his throat and Sam didn't like it. The food looked like it had been dipped in grease and Sam liked the movie but didn't like the look of the food on the table in front of him. No one else had eaten from it, then why should he? Sam didn't understand it and he didn't like it either.   
  
"I'm getting tired of this!" Dad said and banged his fist into the table near Sam's plate, made the food plash a little. "You eat that now, or I'll force it down your throat!"   
  
Sam jumped a little, felt fear rise up in him, but there was something else too, something that was much stronger than anger that caught him in the moment and before anyone tried to calm dad down, Sam got up from the chair and pointed at dad as his own tears started to tickle down his cheeks and Sam wasn't even sad.   
  
"Dad won't!" Sam said and his finger was shaking as he backed out of the kitchen, his family following him silently. "Sam's sick! Know that!" Sam's voice got higher and higher and he started to shake more and more. "Dad won't! Won't!" Finally, the word was shouting out, in a high, unsteady voice.   
  
Before Sam had time to react to his own screaming voice, there was a loud crash in the living room where they stood, just behind him and Sam slowly turned around to see the big, silvery mirror in pieces on the floor. But there was no one there, no one who could've broken the mirror and Sam turned back to dad, Dean and Jim, his finger was still pointing but now Sam wasn't sure at who he should point at. Maybe himself.   
  
"Oh. My. God." Dean breathed out and Sam narrowed his eyes at him.   
  
Sam was sure God hadn't been the one to break the mirror and God wasn't just Dean's. Sam didn't understand how Dean could say God's name at that very moment, because God had nothing to do with the broken mirror and right there and then, the anger was completely gone from Sam's system, he only felt a lot confused as he looked back at the broken mirror with his finger still pointing.   
  
"No ghost." Sam said, went a step into the living room, then he looked at dad again. "No ghost?" He asked instead because dad would know.   
  
"No ghost, Sammy." Dad said, took a few big steps and took Sam's hand in his own which made Sam stop pointing. "There's no ghost."   
  
Sam knew dad was about to say something more, but Sam remembered what Adam had said, what had happened at the school, in the locker rooms toilet and Sam knew what dad was about to say and before dad could say it, Sam shook his head, broke free from dad's grip of his hand and went back to the kitchen where the food was getting colder. Sam wasn't hungry.   
  
But he also didn't want to be angry anymore. So when his family came back to the table and Dean placed a bowl of strawberries in front of him, Sam sat quietly and ate them. Dad didn't say anything more about it that night, but Sam still felt the need to say sorry to Jim. Because Sam knew that Adam had said wasn't a lie. He understood that then.

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

Dean's kisses felt amazing and Sam thought about it a lot the fourth day at home after breakfast, because Dean's kisses was hot and nice and not so tender and they didn't have to be. Dean's lips never hurt Sam's skin after all. It never had. But the tingle in them never seemed to end that day, because Dean had done something that morning before leaving for work and Sam's dick got hard as Dean's tongue left Sam's mouth only to suck at his lower lip before breaking the kiss to leave.  
  
It wasn't fair, because Sam wanted more. More of Dean. More of that sucking thing.. just more. And he was still kinda hard when he was in the shower after lunch and Sam couldn't help touching himself, just squeezing the base of his dick just like he always did and it felt nice but it wasn't enough.  
  
Jim had picked up homework for Sam from school, and next week he'd be back in the halls of high school, Sam knew it but didn't like it. Adam was gonna be there later that day and Sam didn't want him to be, didn't want Adam to see how hard his dick was. Sam shook his head as the water ran down his body, he knew he needed the relief - he just didn't know how.  
  
Dean had showed him - once - and it wasn't enough for Sam to get it, to really understand it. He was a pretty quick learner, a great student, but the body of his just didn't work itself out and his brain had never really allowed his body to move in the way Sam wanted it to and Sam figured it was the same with jerking off. Funny name, Sam thought, he had never really understood the name itself.  
  
Masturbating was another word for it and swapping the monkey. That thought got Sam to laugh as he shut the spring of water and stepped out of the shower.  
  
At school, they had talked about sex. Between man and woman. And Sam didn't like it. Sometimes it felt like he was the only one in there to be gay. And Sam knew he was gay because the Man Doctor Robert had said so and Sam knew it was the right word, because he liked boys, not girls. Sam liked Dean more than anyone and Dean was a boy.  
  
Sam let go of his dick long enough to get out of the shower and dry himself before dressing. When he had clothes on however - and no towels beneath them - Sam didn't feel like touching himself no more. Dean hadn't touched Sam like that either, not since they'd watched Queer As Folk and sometimes Sam wondered why, but mostly, he was just glad.  
  
Sure, he wanted more, felt hanging when Dean stopped whenever they kissed, but Sam wasn't sure he wanted more at the time, because more meant pain and more also meant Dean seeing him naked again and Sam didn't want that. Not because he was shy - like girls were in that situation - but because the bones just underneath the skin was ugly and Sam didn't want Dean to see it.  
  
Half an hour later, he was doing homework in his room and the thought of Dean was pressing in on his mind agian and Sam smiled. Dean always was a part of his mind and it wasn't a surprise, but Sam knew he needed to finish homework before Dean or Jim got home - or before dad asked - and he was unable to do what he wanted because Sam wasn't too sure how.  
  
But that thought only made it worse, it made him think about last time - the time Dean teached Sam how to touch himself down there - and his dick got harder again and Sam sighed as he looked at the clock above the desk in his room. It'd be two hours before Dean got home and the house wouldn't be empty and then Adam would be there too and Sam shook his head as he dropped the pen to the open book.  
  
There was nothing else he could do, his dick wouldn't go soft by itself any time soon and instead of cursing like he wanted to, Sam got up from the chair and pulled down his jeans and briefs before he got a grip of the head of his dick - just like Dean had showed him - and his hips moved forward without warning which made his foreskin pull down and Sam widened his eyes.  
  
He remembered!  
  
Instead of moving his hand up and down like Dean did when he touched his own dick, Sam let his hips do the work and it was so good, felt so good, Sam could almost see Dean in front of him, and.. and.. and then dad was there, Sam only heard the one knock somewhere far off in distance before the door opened.  
  
"It's dinnerti.. Uuh.." Sam watched as dad turned around, with his back to Sam.  
  
And before Sam knew what happened, he let go of his dick so fast it made his body unsteady which led to him falling down and landed directly on his ass. It hurt, it was painful, but most of all - it was embarrassing. Sam hadn't felt that before, not the emotion of embarrassment, but he did then and Sam didn't like it.  
  
"It's dinnertime." Dad said again and turned back to face Sam and looked down at him.  
  
"Not hungry." Sam said and shook his head.  
  
He knew it wasn't fair, but that was the first word Sam had said to dad if it wasn't in anger and dad seemed to be at a loss of words but Sam didn't help him - not sure if he could. Then dad reached a hand down to him and when Sam finally looked up at it, dad said;  
  
"Want a hand?"  
  
Sam looked down at his own hands and wasn't sure what dad would say about what he'd just walked in on, but instead of asking, Sam took dad's hand with his clean one and held his breath as dad gripped it a bit harder before pulling him up to stand on his feet. Then dad let his hand go and Sam bent down to get his jeans back on but was about to fall down to the floor again and dad studied him just in time and there was pain.  
  
And without a word, dad bent down to get Sam's clothes back on and Sam blushed, he could feel it, his face got hot and he didn't like it. But dad didn't say anything about it, instead they just walked down to the kitchen because Sam knew there was no really protesting that would help that day.  
  
The food on the table looked disgusting, Sam didn't like it. It smelled good, of course, but it tasted gross and Sam didn't want it.  
  
Dad filled Sam's plate with the food, the salad and then he poured him a glass of milk. As usual, Sam thought he'd be the only one eating the disgusting food, but to his surprise, dad also filled his own plate with the same food before he sat down by the table as well. Sam watched dad eat, the old man looked tired and old and Sam didn't like it. Dad had always been old, but lately, he had been getting older. He had wrinkles and dark spots under his eyes and Sam wondered if it had anything to do with his not eating problem. Usually, dad didn't discuss it with him and Dean hadn't asked again why Sam had stopped eating. Sometimes Sam wondered if they still didn't care.  
  
"Eat the food, Sam." Dad said and Sam jumped a bit on his chair, hadn't been prepared for him to talk yet and Sam didn't want to eat the food like dad said Sam had to and made eye contact with him. "You're not leaving the table 'til you've eaten the food."  
  
"Not half an hour later." Sam said and sighed, they both knew what he meant by that.  
  
Sam got angry, then he cried, then he got angry again before crying and when the plate was finally empty, Sam wasn't sure how many times he had been angry and his head hurt, it felt like someone had poured sand in his eyes and it just hurt. Everything hurt. The clock showed him that he had been by the table for over three hours and Dean wasn't home yet. Sam didn't like it.  
  
And three hours weren't good, it wouldn't be easy and it hurt, it was painful and there would be blood if Sam even tried. And he had to try. Sam had promised God not to, to be stronger, to be eating. But he had been in a weak spot and now Sam didn't want the greasy food inside him anymore. It wasn't nice and dad looked so old lately and Sam didn't like it. He just needed dad to understand..  
  
"Please daddy."  
  
"No Sammy. You stay here 'til it's been half an hour." Dad's words held no protest in it, Sam sighed and looked down at his own hands before he looked down at the floor.  
  
When had the floor gotten so dirty? So messy? Sam could remember being angry, but he hadn't left the table, hadn't gotten up from the chair so how.. There was broken plates - both clean ones and a few from yesterday -  a few glasses that had been exploded to be just small, broken peices, the pans, likewise the frying pan was on the floor as well, upside down and Sam didn't understand it. How could it be so messy? Sam looked back up at dad and gaped at him.  
  
"A mess." He started, wasn't sure what to say or do. "No me-me-mess before."  
  
Why were Sam's word coming out like that? Sam didn't get it and he didn't like it. Sometimes he made everyone understand, sometimes he didn't. Mostly, he only spoke to Dean and Adam with a free, open mind - where a few words missed but nontheless open - and now Sam did it with dad only for his words to stutter and Sam wasn't sure dad would understand.  
  
"Do you remember the mirror that exploded yesterday?" Dad asked and Sam nodded, of course. "When you get angry, son, it causes the chaos inside of you to break out. The world can't handle it and that's," Dad waved a hand to the floor. "what happens."  
  
Sam looked around again. Adam had said Sam was the one to lift him up in the air a few weeks back in the locker rooms bathroom. The mirror exploded yesterday when Sam got angry and was hitting himself and pointing at dad. But.. But Dean and dad.. Sam looked up at dad when he found himself getting angry.  
  
"You and De always angry." Sam said and the nickname felt right to use there. "Never happens."  
  
"Do you remember Missouri? The black woman we visited a few times before you turned fifteen?" Dad asked and Sam rose his eyesbrows at him.  
  
Of course he remembered Missouri! Who wouldn't? Dean wasn't scared of anyone at all, he was braver than everyone, but Missouri told Dean once that she'd slap him with the silver spoon of hers if he didn't do what she told him to and Dean had nearly pissed his pants. Not that Dean had told Sam so, but Missouri had laughed and told Sam about it after Dean disappeared to do whatever it had been that she wanted him to do in the first place. So yeah, Sam remembered her very much.  
  
"She has the same abilities as you have, Sam. You got 'em the night your mom died." Dad continued and Sam looked down at the mess on the floor.  
  
How could that be true? Sure, he had been aware of Missouri having some sort of overhuman powers and Sam hadn't understood it but accepted it since she'd been far from a demon. But the thought brought Sam back to what he had overheard dad and Dean say, had read one time in dad's jounal and dad's actual job as a hunter to hunt the..  
  
"Demon.." that had killed their mom. Mary.  
  
"Yeah, the demon that killed Dean's and your mom also hurt you, Sammy. I don't know much about it, but it's said that you were given the abilities so you'd be able to.." Dad was quiet for awhile and when Sam looked up at him again, dad smiled. "protect yourself."  
  
Sam lost focus of dad's eye contact and looked down at the floor again. No demon would give him that to be nice. Demons weren't nice. But dad hadn't said it was the demon who gave the abilities to Sam and Sam wasn't sure if he liked it or not. But one thing he was sure about was that it hadn't been the demon giving it to him, because demons weren't nice.  
  
Maybe it had been God to give Sam the abilites? God was nice, not at all like the demons. So maybe it had been God who gave Sam a gift. To protect himself just like dad said? Sam smiled at the thought, then he looked at the clock above the frigde in the kitchen and he gaped, hadn't realized they'd been talking for an hour and now it was too late to do anything, to..  
  
Was he happy? Or sad? Maybe both or neither. Sam just wasn't sure. But he couldn't sit there any longer and he couldn't clean up the mess he'd made.. and he couldn't stuff his fingers down his throat either, it was too late and Sam got up from the chair, hestited for just a moment before he ruffled dad's hair just like Dean used to do with Sam's sometimes and dad laughed. Dad laughed and Sam did too.  
  
Maybe it'd get easier soon.

 

* * *

 

  
  
"You know what the doctor said, Sam." Dean paced the floor of the bathroom and Sam sighed and shivered a little, he was naked and cold. "You've got to use the scale."  
  
Sam didn't like it. The not eating thing he'd done for almost a year had never been about the weight in a whole. Sure, Sam had noticed it going down - a lot - but he'd never liked it, never wanted it to go that far, because it hadn't been about Sam's stupid weight. Man Doctor Nick seemed to understand that when Sam tried to explain, he even got that it had nothing to do with Sam being gay.  
  
Because Sam was gay. That had Doctor Robert said a lot of times when they talked. Sam liked Doctor Robert even if Robert didn't understand Sam's feelings for Dean. Sam also liked Nick, even if the doctor never pressed the issue like Sam sometimes wanted him to. How was Sam going to be able to tell them if they didn't ask? Sam had no idea. But one thing he knew for sure was that his eating disorder hadn't been about his weight.  
  
But stepping on that stupid scale Jim had bought a few days ago, scared him. If he stepped up on it, if the numbers had raised above the goal, Sam didn't like it. If it did, then it would mean he was getting the autism back and Sam didn't want it. The autism was angry with Sam for being locked up and about and Sam was sure the autism would punish him for it.  
  
"No." Sam just said and Dean looked at him, stilled his pacing and Sam didn't like the emotions in his brother's eyes and looked away before he sighed.  
  
Dean never really got mad with Sam and yet Sam could sense sometimes when Dean was angry with him - only Dean didn't voice his anger. Sometimes that was bad. Or at least that was what Sam thought anyway, because Dean started vibrating and if he kept it up, he'd explode just like the soda cans did if he shook them too much and Sam didn't want Dean to explode.  
  
But there were fingers on his cheeks and Sam blinked a few times to look at Dean. He didn't even have to look up anymore, they were the same height and Sam liked it. The touch didn't hurt because it was tender - nice - and Dean's palms were on his cheeks next and it still didn't hurt.  
  
"You said it had nothing to do about the weight." Dean said, Sam knew it wasn't a question. "Then why don't you want to use the scale?" That however was a question.  
  
Sam opened his mouth to speak, to explain, to make Dean understand. Instead of speaking however, he closed his mouth, pressing his lips together 'til he could taste the coppar of his own blood and then one of Dean's hand were moving, only fingertips again against Sam's lower lip and it was painful.  
  
Not the touch but the bite. Sam's own bite. Not Dean's touch. Because Dean's touch was gentle, Sam's teeth wasn't and Sam didn't like it.  
  
"Sam, stop it." Dean whispered, he sounded almost scared and it took Sam a few seconds to realize that Dean didn't actually mean the biting.  
  
The lamp above them was flickering on and off, and Sam pulled a deep breath, closed his eyes and focused on Dean's touch. Like always, Dean's touch seemed to clear his head a little and when it wasn't as fogged - as scared - he let go of the abused lip.  
  
"Good boy." Dean whispered and Sam opened his eyes, blinked and the lamp had stopped flinching.  
  
Okay. Maybe Sam was getting a grip over the superpower things or something. Dad had been forced to tell Adam about Sam's abilities after Adam finally told him about the incident in the bathroom stall in the locker rooms of high school. Dad had told Adam just the way he had told Sam about the powers and since then both Adam and Dean had tried to find ways to calm Sam down whenever it got to the point of his abilities breaking out.  
  
Dean would help Sam cope at home while Adam would help Sam do it in school. And yeah, Sam was back in school and everyone seemed aware of what got Sam to faint, so they all kept him feed. He even got a cocho-bar from Ricky, which was a surprise, but Sam had eaten it and nothing weird had happened, so Sam guessed the guy had a bad taste of guilt.  
  
Or well, that's what Adam had said anyway and Sam believed him. And at the moment, Sam was calm, there was no flickering lights and he was breathing again. Dean was there too, holding him, touching him and Sam liked it. Dean had kept his promise, he hadn't been kissing a girl since the fainting situation and Sam liked it. He liked to have Dean all to himself.  
  
"Please tell me, Sam." Dean said and Sam could see he was sad. "Please tell me why you stopped eating."  
  
Okay. Sam knew it was well damn on time to ask that. Dean asked it once before, sure. But he hadn't pressed the issue and Sam hadn't told him. But Dean wanted to know, Sam was aware of that, he knew Dean wanted to know why and Sam knew he was stupid not telling him. And now Dean asked, so Sam could finally tell him. Right?  
  
"No touching." Sam said and shook his head. "Like Brian and Justin."  
  
Okay. There. It was said and done, now Dean would understand. But had he said the names right? Had he forgot a word? Did he speak a different language than before? If not, then why would Dean look at him the way he was? Sam didn't understand.  
  
"What do you mean?" Dean asked and Sam sighed.  
  
Could he answer that? Could he make Dean understand in other words? Sam wasn't too sure, but he could at least try.  
  
"Like that beca.." Okay, too difficult word. "Not like that for Sam." Sam nodded, it was the right thing but not enough based on Dean's face and Sam tried again. "I have autism."  
  
Dean's face changed and Sam was almost positive it was for a good reason, maybe Dean finally understood and Sam smiled despite himself. He knew the situation, the moment, wouldn't want him to smile, but it felt good to have it said - for Dean to understand.  
  
"There's other ways to be.." Dean shook his head and Sam tilted his own to the side to try and understand the emotions in Dean's voice and eyes. "I mean, it's hot as hell." Sam laughed and nodded, he agreed to that. "But we could find our own way to be intime even if you've got autism, Sam. It's not impossible, baby."  
  
Baby. Intime. Not impossible. Sam wanted to laugh and cry at the same time because he heard what Dean said - of course he did - but it still seemed like Dean didn't understand the entire point that Sam wanted across and it was just so frustrating and.  
  
"You like this, right?" Dean asked, caressed his palm back to Sam's neck and leaned forward and on instinct, Sam closed his eyes and gasped into the kiss.  
  
Yes.  
  
Sam nodded into the kiss. He really liked to kiss Dean. But then Dean broke the kiss, took a step back and Sam opened his eyes to stare in at green ones and he liked it, he loved green.  
  
"And you liked what we did in your bed last time, right?" Dean whispered and Sam blushed, broke the eye contact and nodded.  
  
He had really liked for Dean to teach him, to grip Sam's hand that was around Sam's own dick and stroke him to orgasm. It had felt nice, painful but nice.  
  
"So far, we've found ways that doesn't hurt too much for you." Dean said and Sam nodded, Dean was right.  
  
"But.."  
  
Dean stroked his hand back from Sam's neck to his cheek in a slow motion and it felt so nice it made Sam shiver, Dean did it again and again and Sam felt himself getting hard and he was naked and so close to Dean and Dean had to feel it too, Sam was sure and he liked it.  
  
"No buts, Sam." Dean's voice were husky and Sam liked it, knew what it meant. "We've got time to find more things we can do. There's no rush."  
  
Time. Can do. We. Sam. No rush.  
  
Sam really liked the sound of that. And yes, his dick was hard, but Dean - even if his dick was hard too probably - ignored it as he backed away and looked him in the eye before his hands also left Sam's body and Sam felt at loss but they had at least talked about it now and.. and Dean was perfect.  
  
"So please, could you get up on the scale now?" Dean asked and Sam blinked, looked down at the thing Jim had bought a few days before and sighed.  
  
"No." He said, didn't want to and Dean sighed.  
  
"Okay.." Dean said and Sam felt a little surprised at that, was Dean just going to.. "Will it make you feel better if you step up on it backwards? Then you won't see the numbers and won't see if it's good or bad?"  
  
Could Sam do that? Maybe. Did he want to? Yes, for Dean. So that's how they did it and by the time they were done in the bathroom of their house, Sam's dick had softened again and he didn't want Dean to touch it yet, so he didn't feel bad about it.  
  
And that's how they did it. Each morning there was a lot of kisses and shared words in the bathroom as Sam stood on the scale while Dean looked at the numbers and Sam looked into the wall. It was for the best, because Sam didn't want to see the gain he knew he was making, it was enough to feel it.  
  
And soon, he also wanted Dean to touch him. Sam said so too, but Dean never really did. And Sam didn't like it.

 

* * *

 

  
  
Sam still didn't like eating the greasy food, but now it had became a little easier, at least. They fought a lot, Sam's abilities were in the headlock of danger - like Dean would call it sometimes - and Sam didn't like it but had accepted it however. Sure it scared him sometimes, like for the rest of his family, but it was sort of okay anyway.  
  
Not much had changed, his autism was back but if Sam would trust Dean's word, - which he always did - the autism had never really disappeared. And that the cleariness in the front of his mind was all because of him becoming more mature of age instead of it being because of the stupid eating disorder.  
  
Sam wasn't sure what to think of that, but he trusted Dean, had always trusted him. And to be honest, Sam didn't really notice the autism anymore - or the struggles that came to it. Of course, Sam wasn't free to talk his mind like Dean and dad and Jim and everyone else and more times than not, Sam was confused and there was too much things in his brain. But not in a bad way and Sam liked it.  
  
Maybe Dean was right after all, that he had became more of an adult and that was what changed his mindset of the autism or the struggles, because it didn't feel like a struggle anymore.  
  
By that moment, they were walking in the corridor of the hospital to have a two months check up, and Sam had decided to finally face the numbers of the stupid scale. And if he was honest to God and to himself, Sam was actually starting to feel hunger again.. Something he'd never had to really deal with before and it was nice and scary all at once.  
  
"Sam's hungry." Sam informed dad and Dean as they walked beside him. "Really fucking hungry too."  
  
Sam could hear Dean laugh, Dean always laughed when Sam said a swearing word and it made him smile too. Dad however stayed silent, which wasn't anything like him, because Sam had noticed dad telling him more than once to shut it - or I'd wash your mouth myself - and Sam looked at him from the corner of his eye right there, but dad just looked at Dean, not saying a word and Sam smiled.  
  
"If the doc say there's good news, I'll touch you slow and tender tonight." Dean whispered in Sam's ear and Sam felt how his cheeks grew hot.  
  
Sam really liked the thought of that. Of Dean's hands on him. Touching him in ways no one else ever would - Sam wouldn't let them anyway. And he wanted Dean to. Had wanted it for about two weeks, and probably more so even if his mind kept shutting it off. If he hadn't lost all that weight, then maybe.. maybe.. but that was stupid to think that way, Sam realized. Because he couldn't turn back time, couldn't make it undone. It had happened, he had been in a period of a year of not eating and throwing up and there was nothing that could change that.  
  
They got to the waiting room, sat down and waited and Sam just couldn't sit still and the more he moved, the more angerier people there got with him. Not that he was sure why or how, but they were, Sam could sense it. Was that normal for him, by the way? To be able to sense such thing? No. No, it wasn't. What could that mean? And.. Man Doctor Nick walked up to them then, and Sam just had to ask;  
  
"I'm always.." Sam looked at Dean, then at dad, then up at doctor Nick again and smiled. "hard. And Sam like it."  
  
"Well." Doctor Nick said and laughed. "That's totally normal."  
  
After that, Sam got up, watched Dean and dad do the same and followed the nice Doctor into the room that had a difficult name Sam wouldn't even try to repeat. He was good at words in his brain, but some words just didn't work itself out, so it was just a room with a different name and Sam didn't care.  
  
Doctor Nick listened to Sam's heart and lungs with that cold thing he used and since the stuff in the hospital house were so hard to say, Sam knew he himself would never be a doctor, any less a nurse. Dean however, he could be a nurse, Sam supposed, because Dean was such a great listener and he was smarter than he'd like to admit. But Sam knew. Of course.  
  
"How have you been eating those past weeks, Sam?" Doctor Nick asked and Sam looked at the T-shirt in his hands and started to rock a little, it was a habit hard to break.  
  
"Not..Not wanting to." Sam said quietly, then he looked up at dad and sighed just as quietly. "Dad.. he made me food." Sam looked down when his eyes betrayed him. "Think it good."  
  
Okay, it had been difficult, he wasn't lying. But truth be told, if dad hadn't made Sam the stupid, greasy food, Sam knew he would've died and at that moment, Sam was happy to be alive. Not just happy, he was thankful for dad to make the food to Sam. Sure his sentence missed a few words, but it was enough for the people in there to understand him and Sam liked it.  
  
"Glad to hear it, kiddo." Doctor Nick said and Sam smiled at that, no one had ever called him that, just Nick. "So, the food was really disgusting then, huh?"  
  
Sam couldn't help laughing at that, because it was true.  
  
"No. Not disgust." Sam shook his head and giggled as he continued; "Grease and not the movie."  
  
Not only did Doctor Nick laugh at that, but dad and Dean did too. They talked a little more, the nice Doctor Nick asked how school was going, if his friends were supporting him and if he got a boyfriend. School goes great, Sam answered back, because it did. School was always great for Sam. His friend, Adam, supported him, Sam said. And it was true. Adam was so fantastic it was almost idiotic like Bobby would've said. No, no boyfriend. Just a brother. Because Sam couldn't tell a Doctor again that he was in love with Dean.  
  
"Okay Sam. You know why you're really here today." Doctor Nick said and Sam nodded and sighed, he knew. "I want to check your weight and I know you're going to be uncomfortable, but you've got to be naked."  
  
Right. Sam knew that already. But yeah, it made him uncomfortable. Not because he thought he was fat, of course not, but he just didn't want dad in the room too. That was why he told dad to go out, Sam just didn't want dad to see how ugly the bones were and it was enough that both Dean and Doctor Nick was going to be there to see it.  
  
It took dad a while to leave the room, but he finally did and Sam sighed as he started to undress. Five minutes and eleven seconds were how long it took for him that time to get naked in front of his brother and doctor and Sam didn't like it. He knew he was too boney still and that they didn't like it, because Sam himself didn't.  
  
But when he stepped up on the scale, Sam didn't do it the way he used to - with only Dean in their bathroom - but stood so that he'd be able to see the numbers too. But as the numbers counted themselves, Sam closed his eyes, took a deep breath to remain calm, then opened them again to look how much he had gained. It wasn't much, but it seemed to be enough.  
  
"You've done an incredible job, Sam." Doctor Nick said and stroked Sam's back with his hand once Sam was dressed again. "I'm sure you'll get back in shape in no time from now on."  
  
Sam really liked that and when he looked at Dean while Doctor Nick wrote something on a peice of paper, Dean acutally winked at him and laughed when Sam blushed. Dean didn't laugh at him, of course not, he just laughed out loud and Sam liked it and smiled. That meant Dean would touch him and Sam was glad his jeans were back on, otherwise Doctor Nick would see Sam's dick hard and Sam didn't want him to.  
  
"Can I tell your dad about the good news, Sam?" Doctor Nick asked and Sam blinked a few times to refocus on Nick, then he nodded.  
  
"Yes." Sam smiled at him and laughed a little when Nick smiled back a little funny. "Of course."  
  
Later that day, after dinner, Dean sat down in Sam's bed while Sam was doing his homework. Sam looked at Dean and blushed, but he really needed to get the math problem out of his head before he could do anything else and Dean seemed to sense that, because he leaned back against the headboard of the bed and started to read a book - the typical Dean book - Hard way rock'n'roll. And as soon as Sam closed the math book with a setiesfied sigh, Dean closed his book as well and they looked at one another from across the bed, Dean in the front, Sam in the back.  
  
"You okay, Sammy?" Dean asked and why did his voice sound so weird?  
  
Was Sam okay? Uh. Actually. No.  
  
Sam blinked up at him and shook his head before emptying his entire dinner on the floor. So, no touching that night. Not even a goodnight kiss to the forehead, because it hurt too much. And Sam was ill for the entire week. Which were a good thing somehow, because during one of his periods of sobbing into the toilet bowel - Sam promised himself never to cause himself ill again.

 

 

* * *

 

  
  
"Sam.. uh.." Dean sounded weird and Sam didn't like it.  
  
He had been eating willingly lately, found he was queit fond of mixed salad, and that it tasted good. Sam helped dad, Dean and Jim to cook whenever they needed the help and Sam liked it. Dean and Sam had gotten even closer, had been touching, jerking off together too - Dean said it's what they did was called anyway - but they never really touched one another's dicks. Not like Brian and Justin did and sometimes Sam reached out to touch, but never got close enough because Dean shook his head and told him no.  
  
Sam didn't understand it, nor did he like it. Sam was just as in love with Dean as Dean was in him and Sam had told him so, many times - with the right words too. But nothing seemed to change his mind and at the moment, it felt like everything they had was going to come crushing down. Maybe Dean didn't want.. Maybe Dean..  
  
"Hey Sammy!" Sam snapped out of it with a start only to realize he was hyperventilying. "I wanted to ask you out, you know, like eating a pizza and watch a movie."  
  
Sam thought about what Dean had just said, tilted his head to find a better way to remember where he had heard that one before. Where was it? Who had said it? Sam sighed desperately as he thought harder, tried to remember, to.. Sam's eyes got wide, felt them getting very dry too and he blinked at Dean. Ricky! Ricky had asked Sam the same thing and Sam hadn't wanted it because Ricky wasn't that nice and Sam..  
  
"Is a date?" Sam asked and locked eyes with Dean just like he had done with Ricky the other week.  
  
"Yeah, Sammy. I'm asking you out on a date." Dean said and Sam smiled and nodded.  
  
That hadn't been the answer Ricky had given him, Ricky had just said - whatever - and walked away without a real answer. But Sam had seen shows on TV, had seen Queer As Folk - all seasons - enough times to know what it meant. It was a date.  
  
"Ricky asked.." Sam blushed as Dean looked at him then with big eyes too. "asked me too."  
  
Before Sam knew what happened, Dean was kissing him, right there, in the 'pala, outside of school. Something Dean had said a lot of times they wouldn't ever be able to do. But Sam liked Dean's lips, they were soft and tender and still pressing in a way it never had and Sam moaned and Dean backed away without letting go of his cheeks.  
  
"And what did you answer to that?" Dean asked and Sam frowned, was Dean angry with Sam now?  
  
"I asked if date." Sam said and Dean seemed to still be waited. "Ricky left with whaver." Okay, difficult word again.  
  
"But if he would've stayed? What would you've said?"  
  
Sam looked at Dean, sighed in frustration. Sometimes he didn't understand his brother. Dean had just asked him on a real date and now he wanted Sam to talk about Ricky? Sam hadn't even said yes to Dean yet and.. Sam looked over at Dean again and something hit him, Dean was..  
  
"Jealous."  
  
"Damn straight I am." Dean said, pecked his lips once more before asking; "So, could you inform me what you would've said to him, Sam?"  
  
"No." Sam shook his head and noticed how sad Dean started to look. "I'd say no. I don't date.." Sam thought about the right word and finally found it. "homophob."  
  
Dean laughed at that, stroked a thumb over Sam's lower lip before he let go, started up the car and looked out the window to focus on the road before them. Sam liked Dean's laugh, liked Dean's happiness, Dean's green eyes. Sam just liked Dean. Entirely.  
  
"You haven't answered me yet, you know. Would you like to go out on a date with me, Sammy?"  
  
"Yes." Sam said and leaned his head against Dean's shoulder as they started to drive. "Only Dean."  
  
Dean nodded, took one hand off the wheel to put it around Sam's shoulders and ghosted his fingers in the hairs of his neck.  
  
"That's right." Dean said and Sam closed his eyes as Dean's voice lulled him to a nap. "You're only mine. No one else can have you."  
  
Sam agreed to that with a smile before he found himself drifting into half sleep by his brother's side, the smell of safe and home filling his senses.

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

After the movie and the pizza, Sam felt full of both food and life. It was great to be this close to Dean, it felt nice to be able to hold his brother's hand without the freak out that later would've been there in earlier months. Sam liked how close they were and gazed at Dean from the other side of the passenger seat of the 'pala. It just felt so damned nice to be alive and well enough to admit it out loud.   
  
A few months ago, he would've given his whole life away to keep Dean from touching - because of Sam's own skinniness and ugly bones to add it to the list. But right there, he was just about to reach the last step of recovery and he felt it. Dean was singing on the way home from the cinema, played along with the drums on the steeringwheel of the typical metallic song that was playing on the tape and Sam couldn't hide the happy smile on his face whenever Dean turned in his direction.   
  
Like every other times they were close, Sam's mind was free from confusion. Only, this time, something was different and not in a bad way. They had been out on their first date and Sam giggled a little, he knew what would came next when they got home - dad and Jim wasn't home yet and wouldn't be for a few days. And to be honest, Sam was nervous, of course he was, but also so goddamn happy.   
  
But Dean didn't drive the car to their house, no, instead he drove them to the feild they'd once blown off fireworks in the sky and Sam wondered what they were doing there, but didn't ask - he never really did. Instead he followed his brother out when Dean stopped the car to the side of the road and got out.   
  
"It's a beautiful night." Dean said as he sat down on the hood of the 'pala and Sam mimiced him as he got up on it too.   
  
"Yeah." Sam said as they slowly looked up at the sky.   
  
It didn't take long for them to lean back, to observe the lights in the sky, the stars and the moon and Sam really liked how beautiful it all was. Dean pointed out a few star-patterns he knew by name and Sam knew he hadn't been wrong. Whenever someone told him his brother only were good for the looks - many girls and a few boys had said it during their childhood - Sam knew they were all wrong. Because Dean was smarter than anyone Sam knew and it was clear Dean knew it too - he just didn't want to admit it.   
  
"There's no moon." Sam said and looked at the big moon in the sky and sighed. "In me anymore."   
  
That was true and the truth was, Sam hadn't even thought of saying it, telling Dean that, but Dean was quiet and didn't say anything about it for a long time, so Sam thought it didn't really matter. What if he would be able to sit on the moon sometime? With Dean? Sam smiled and looked over at his brother and Dean looked right back at him.   
  
"I'm sorry to hear that, Sammy." Dean said and Sam shook his head. "Yeah, listen. I know the moon was your safe spot or whatever, but you've grown up a lot during this year. Maybe that's why the moon won't appear as it was before. Maybe you've found something else that calms you down instead."   
  
Smart.   
  
That's just what his brother was and Sam nodded, took Dean's hand in his own and looked back at the sky. It was a beautiful night and there was no much traffic, so they didn't have to worry about getting up and leave. There was more to the night, Sam knew it, but there was no rush. And Dean was right, by the way, Sam had found something else to keep him calm - calmer than the moon had ever been - and that thing, that person, was sitting right next to him and holding his hand.   
  
They stayed there for a lot longer than Sam would've thought possible, but it was nice, felt nice and it was just so beautiful. But once they were in the car again, Sam knew there was no going back tonight, no regrets and no harm done. He was with his brother, the big brother who had always been there to support him and Sam knew Dean wouldn't hurt him like Theodore had these years ago.   
  
There was so much things Sam wanted to do, to say, but he kept quiet and watched as the road took them home to a safer place then they would've found if Sam had been free from his autism and for the first time since he figured it out, Sam was happy to have something that stopped him - them - from getting what they wanted. If he hadn't had autism, then things would've been a lot more different and Sam was happy to be the one to stop things in the progress of their childhood, to get Dean and himself safe.   
  
"My autism not bad." Sam said and smiled at Dean who looked at him with raised eye brows. "If not autism, then no safe."   
  
Dean put the barks on the car, stopped it right outside the house and turned in his seat even before the 'pala had found a safe ground of stopping and pulled Sam in for a deep, desperate kiss and Sam closed his eyes in autopilot, licked his way across Dean's lips, tilted his head just right before the kiss deepened even further and soon they were pressed against one another and Sam yanked at Dean's hair.   
  
"I want.." Sam blinked his eyes open and found Dean staring at him with lust blown eyes and smiled. "I want you."   
  
Dean growled deep in his throat before he pulled him in for another, deep kiss and Sam was glad they were sitting down, otherwise he'd be a mess on the ground in front of the house because his knees was shaking so badly - his entire body was. And there was no mistakes in the mind of his that finally, they'd reached a point where they'd be touching more than before and Sam liked it and it scared him too.   
  
"I've found something I'd want to try." Dean said once they broke the second kiss and Sam blinked at him and smiled shakily.   
  
Dean's eyes were almost only black pupils and the green left in the circle of his eyes had grown darker and Sam liked it. He stroked Dean's cheek, saw how his brother leaned into the touch before Sam let his hand fall to the side and before they said something else, both of them hurried out of the car and got upstairs. It didn't take long, but Sam honestly didn't know how many seconds or minutes it took for him to get upside, because he was in no state of counting at the moment.   
  
Once Dean had kicked Sam's door closed behind them, Sam felt himself getting pushed into it - not forcefully and it didn't hurt - and Dean was leaning over him before they started kissing again. Tongue dancing against tongue, lips swollen and red, their shared saliva was something Sam greadily swallowed down his throat and then Dean started to move his lower half, pressed his jeans clothed penis just the right way against Sam's own and Sam broke the kiss to breath and moan.   
  
"I noticed you liked it last time." Dean said and Sam nodded.   
  
It was so many months ago that Sam wasn't even sure how long it had been since then, but Dean was smart and he remembered and Sam tried to breath through the sensation of pain, lust and teenage hormones. But there was really no way in stopping what he felt and soon, his hard dick was leaking, begging for more and Sam laughed against the thought. Sometimes it was like his penis had a brain of it's own that shut down and opened his upstairs brain all in the same time and Sam liked it.   
  
"I've got something I might use in case you'd want me to." Dean breathed against his neck before dragging his tongue against the skin there and Sam moaned, bit his lower lip and nodded as Dean backed away. "I'll just go get it, then I'll be right back."   
  
Then Sam felt himself being moved away from the door and watched how Dean left the room in a hurry.   
  
Was Dean not coming back? But he had said he would and Sam knew Dean wouldn't lie. Not now. Not ever. Dean felt the exact same thing that Sam felt for him, so he needed to stop mistrust that. Sam thought about what to do in time as he waited for Dean to come back and decided to undress himself, because he wanted them both naked for this. Sam really wanted to see Dean naked too.   
  
Once the clothes were on the chair by the desk in his room, Sam took a grip of his hard dick and squeezed the base. It wasn't enough, but it was a start and Sam didn't want to jerk off without Dean there because it was much hotter to see his brother watching him do it. Sam shook his head and blushed. He was really crazily in love with his brother and tonight there would be no regrets whatever happened. It was nice. It felt nice. Sam nodded, it was perfect.   
  
"Oh damn." Dean's voice were low, deep and husky and Sam turned towards the sound of the words and watched his brother look at him.   
  
Dean had watched his butt to be exact and Sam smiled, he knew a few guys at school that'd like to touch his butt but didn't, because Adam wouldn't let them and Sam liked Adam for that too. But there was no point in thinking about his best friend right there and Sam pushed the thought away.   
  
Someone he'd let touch his butt however was Dean. Dean could touch Sam wherever he wanted, with his tenderness and light fingertips. Sam buckled his hips at the thought and moaned as Dean reached out to run a hand over his chest.   
  
"You're damn sexy." Dean said and Sam blinked at him and smiled.   
  
"Dean naked too." Sam said and Dean opened his mouth to say something and Sam shook his head and raised his eye brows. "Want see you."   
  
It took Dean awhile to get the words in, Sam could see that because Dean furrowed his eye brows, but then Dean nodded and slowly, oh so slowly, started to undress himself. Sam liked it and moaned as his hips once again thrust forward, couldn't really help it, so he didn't try to stop it. Dean had only his briefs on when he looked up at Sam again and Sam could see how flushed Dean was, his cheeks red and lips swollen after the kisses.   
  
"You sure, Sammy?" Dean asked and Sam sighed before he nodded, he wanted Dean naked too.   
  
"No regret." Sam said and Dean smiled then as he hooked two fingers of each hand below his briefs and pulled them down.   
  
It took Sam awhile to have the courage to look down Dean's body, it was the first time he saw his brother naked. His chest had big, sure muscles - which Sam had known however because he'd seen Dean's chest before - but the sight now was shining in a new light and Sam stuck his tongue out to wet his lips because they'd suddenly became so dry.   
  
After admiring Dean chest with his eyes, Sam moved his sight lower and the air caught in his throat and the only movement he menaged was to thrust his hips forward, grip his own dick a little harder and moan lightly. Dean's dick was just as big as Sam's, but a lot thicker and there was blondish hair covering the base of it and his balls hung low as Dean's dick rested against his stomach and was leaking in the same way Sam's was. His brother was just so..   
  
"Beautiful." Sam said and looked up at Dean's face, into his eyes and let out the breath he'd been holding and watched as Dean did too.   
  
"Goddamn, Sammy. I want to.." Dean cut himself off in mid-sentence and Sam blinked over at him.   
  
Was standing too far. Dean was too far away from him. Sam let go of his own dick as he balanced his weight on his feet before he shakily walked over to Dean, wanted him closer - needed him closer - and soon they were standing only inches apart and it was perfect, beautiful and yet not enough. There was no skin touching, no pain, nothing but lust and love and Sam liked it. But he also wanted more.   
  
And Dean had just said something, cut himself off before finishing and Sam didn't like that. Sam wanted Dean to talk to him. And truth was, Dean had never told him before just what he wanted, it had always been Sam who told Dean that and now Sam felt a new craving, he wanted Dean to talk, to admit to them, to just..   
  
"What you want?" Sam asked and raised his hands to put them on Dean's cheeks and it felt nice and warm and Dean closed his eyes for only half a second before he opened them again. "Need hear it."   
  
"I want to touch you." Dean whispered, voice husky and Sam shivered as Dean lifted his hands to carefully lay them on his shoulders to pull him in close and it took Sam's breath away.   
  
Sure there was pain, but it was nothing Sam couldn't control, because the other feelings and emotions than the pain was so much bigger the moment their bodies were flushed together and skin was against skin, dick to dick and hands touching backs, chests and sides. Sam moaned at the sensation, the lust between them and the swell of his heart and Dean did too as Sam pushed himself even closer and there wasn't even air between them. Their bodies were one.   
  
"Oh fuck." Dean said out loud and licked a thick, saliva filled line against Sam's neck and sucked the skin into his mouth.   
  
Pain, pain, nice, perfect, pain.   
  
Sam shivered all over as Dean let his skin go only to shiver again when Dean licked the abused skin with his wet tongue. It was pain, but not in a bad way and Sam moaned out loud as Dean did it again and again. Sucked Sam's skin between his teeth, bit down slightly before letting go and licked the marks he was possibly making.   
  
Before Sam knew what was happening, Dean made him walk backways without letting him go and Sam trusted his brother to not let them fall. Then he felt the hard line of the bed and sat down on it as Dean took a step away from his body and Sam felt cold and lonely and didn't want Dean to ever stop touching him but then Dean took a step further away and another one and Sam didn't like it.   
  
"I won't leave." Dean said, caressed his cheek before he let go alltogether and Sam felt himself shiver at the loss of contact. "Like I said, I've found something that'll make this easier for you."   
  
Easier. For Sam. Sam looked as Dean bent down over the clothes he'd just let stay in a buddle of the floor and bit his lip so as not to moan at the sight in front of him - Dean bent down and showing off a perfect butt. Maybe Sam was one of those guys too? No. Sam didn't want to touch the inside of Dean's butt. But he wanted Dean to touch him there. Was that wrong? Selfish maybe? Sam wasn't too sure of that. But Dean was beautiful, both with clothes and naked and Sam enjoyed the show in front of him and that wasn't wrong.   
  
Then Dean straightened himself up and walked towards him again. Sam could see that he had something in his hand but the room was getting pretty dark and Sam didn't like it. He wanted to be able to see what was about to happen so it wouldn't be like it had been with Theodore. Sam looked away from Dean only to look at the lamp on the bedside table and blinked in surprise as it turned itself on without him even touching it.   
  
"Uh.." Dean said and Sam looked up at him just in time as Dean got used to the light in the room.   
  
"Wow."   
  
Yeah. Sam could agree with that and smiled. He hadn't even thought of turning the lamp on with his powers, but it had happened anyway and maybe he was about to get a handle of things when it came to the abilities he had. But that wasn't important at the moment and Sam looked at Dean once again to see what he had in his hand and raised his eyebrows in surprise. It was a..   
  
"Bird." No, far from it but his mind went directly to the wings of the bird as he saw what Dean was holding in his right hand.   
  
"Thought you'd like it." Dean said as he held the goldish feather in front of Sam and Sam didn't really understand. "I'll show you the deal of it."   
  
Okay. Sam nodded and Dean smiled as he lowered himself to his knees in front of Sam and it would've been weird if Sam's dick hadn't twisted at the sight in that very moment, with Dean on his knees in front of him, his lips very close to Sam's dick and Sam let his eyes closed for awhile to control his breathing. Was Dean going to lick and suck him like a lollipop? Like Theodore had done?   
  
Sam wasn't sure how to feel about that. But there was no clown coming for them, Dean wouldn't force this on to Sam. Sam knew that if he said no, then Dean would stop. But did Sam want him to stop? Maybe not. Sam opened his eyes again and smiled down at Dean who looked up at him from where he was kneeling between Sam's legs.   
  
"I won't go right to it." Dean promised and Sam nodded. "I want you to tell me what you want me to do later. But now I just want you to feel, Sammy."   
  
Dean lifted the feather to Sam's cheek as he sat back on his ass to the floor and started out slow, to caress the feather to Sam's cheek, back to the neck, light, tender, tickle touches of the golden feature of the feather. It felt nice and it made him shiver. There was absolutely no pain at all, just lust, tickle and a lot of heavy want inside him.   
  
Then the feather moved down and Sam closed his eyes, tilted his head a little, to give it better reach and when the feather tickled his neck, the tender pain of Dean's abuse to his skin earlier made it all feel so perfect and Sam moaned as the feather ghosted over the pained spots and made it all better with it's light touch.   
  
After a few strokes, the feather moved down to his chest, back up to his adam's apple, down again to his chest and Sam moaned again, couldn't really stop himself and heard how ragged Dean's own breath was and as the feather left his face, neck and throat, Sam blinked his eyes opened and looked down at his brother who was looking at him too with beautiful green eyes and lustfilled pupils.   
  
It felt so great, so much and yet not even close to enough. But when the golden feather circulated his right nipple 'til it was stiff and hard and then moved to his left, Sam buckled his hips and Dean bit his own lower lip and Sam nodded at him which made Dean moan too.   
  
"You've got to tell me, Sammy." Dean said and Sam blushed as he opened his mouth, then closed it again.   
  
What was the name to it? What was it really called? It wasn't like sucking a lollipop, not at all and Sam didn't want to even think that way - because it made him think about the only other time he'd had with another guy. But he'd seen Queer As Folk, knew what the name was, had heard it a lot of times. The thing was just that, his brain was clear and not foggy and still he didn't remember the real name.   
  
"I want you.." Sam cleared his throat, his voice sounded so weird.   
  
Instead of trying to say it the only way he could, Sam put a hand on Dean's cheek, rubbed Dean's lower lip, then the upperlip as well with his thumb and looked at what his fingers did, then he blushed as he pressed his thumb to the line of Dean's lips and moaned as Dean sucked his thumb into his hot, warm mouth and it felt nothing like what Theodore had done,  it felt better, nicer and just more. And as Sam watched his thumb disappear into Dean's wet mouth, he remembered what it was called.   
  
"Blow me." Sam whispered and Dean groaned as he licked the tip of Sam's thumb before he let it drop from his mouth with a soft pop which made Sam blush a little.   
  
"You sure?" Dean asked and Sam rolled his eyes and nodded. "Jeez, just wanted to make sure you were sure."   
  
Okay. Too much words, too little action.   
  
Sam laughed anyway but his laughter died out as soon as he felt Dean's wet tongue lick the underside of his dick and Sam totally lost it. He didn't even remember what he said as the words spilled out of his mouth, but there was no way he could shut up at the moment and Dean just chuckled, let the feather move itself as he opened his mouth wide and took Sam's dick between his lips and Sam watched it happen before his eyes rolled back into his eyes.   
  
Before he knew what the hell he was doing, he spread his legs further apart, buckled his hips and moaned out loud and said a lot of things as his dick went easily down Dean's throat. It was hot, perfect, nice, beautiful and Sam never wanted it to end. But there was a nagging sensation of the feeling not being enough and Sam cursed under his breath as he remembered what Brian had said once to Justin and Sam really wanted to inform this to Dean, but wasn't sure how to or if his brother would tell him it was impossible to do so.   
  
"Gnnh.." Sam bit his lip as he felt Dean swallow around him and it felt so freaking nice. "Want to.. Dean.."   
  
Okay. He hadn't said it. But Dean let his dick slid from his lips, but didn't let it go as he jerked it in time with the golden feather dopped into his belly-button and Sam lost his balance and laid his back down onto the bed, spread his legs even further apart and Dean moaned somewhere under him and Sam wanted more.   
  
"Tell me." Dean's voice were so husky and his breath so hot against Sam's dick it almost hurt.   
  
"My butt." Sam whispered and blushed despite himself and Dean groaned a little higher that time.   
  
"Yeah, what about it, Sammy?" Dean asked and Sam knew it was a question and they shouldn't talk now, not now, but he had to answer Dean's question even if it killed them both in the progress.   
  
"Want Dean to.." Sam blinked up to the ceiling in frustration. "Want you touch it."   
  
Dean's movement on Sam's dick twisted into the side of almost pain, but then Dean moaned a little shakily and licked at the hot skin of Sam's dick and Sam moaned too as he buckled his hips once more as Dean closed his lips over his dick and slowly started the blow job over again. The feather didn't disappear as it ghosted against Sam's chest and stomach and nipples and Dean's other hand touched lightly at his balls and Sam closed his eyes yet again to just feel and it felt so damn good it almost took him under.   
  
But then the hand on his balls got lower, two fingers stroked a line from the balls to Sam's butthole and they were wet and hot and it hurt a little as it tickled too and Dean didn't push them inside and Sam felt himself tense up, said his brother's name over and over again as he felt himself moving, pushing down on Dean's fingers to feel them better, thrusting his hips up to get further down Dean's throat and then he just lost it.   
  
As he reached his orgasm, he felt Dean swallow around him and Sam couldn't believe Dean would do that and heard him moan and Sam opened his eyes as the mouth around his dick and the fingers disappear from his butt. His whole body felt spent and his mind.. didn't actually close itself up like last time and Sam liked it. He was clear headed, could think as he let his breath out a little shakily - hadn't even realized he'd been holding it in the first place.   
  
Then Dean moved up onto the bed, kissed his way from Sam's dick up to his cheek and Sam opened his eyes, turned towards Dean and moaned into the kiss as Dean let Sam taste himself on his tongue. It tasted salty, greasy, but not all that bad and Sam moaned again as he slowly let his fingers trail down Dean's body.   
  
"You sure?" Dean asked before Sam could reach Dean's dick and Sam rolled his eyes and turned them in a second so he was almost on top of Dean instead of the other way around.   
  
"Stop say it." Sam said and it was the first time he put an order on his brother, but it wouldn't be the last if Dean kept it up.   
  
Dean's dick in his hand was hard, leaking wildely, and Sam moaned as he gripped it harder, watched as Dean opened his mouth in surprise before he leaned up and kissed Sam again and Sam moved his hand, his arm in a way he wasn't able to do with his own dick in his hand and watched as his hand jerked Dean to orgams. It didn't take long before the hot, thick sperm filled his hand and Dean's chest and stomach and Dean moaned out Sam's name as he came.   
  
Even before he had time to let go of Dean's dick, there was a very overwhelming sound in the room, and they both sat up straight within half a second to see the funitures and clothes land on the floor as hard as possible and it scared Sam to no end. He'd been sure he could almost control the powers around now, but the sight in front of them and the blinking lamp who didn't stop was proof enough he had no control at all.   
  
"Oh my god." Dean breathed beside him and Sam looked at him to see that Dean's eyes had gotten wide with shock.   
  
"Sorry." The tense and lustfilled moment was over and Sam felt a sinking feeling in his moment that this wouldn't happen again any time soon because of the mess it had made in his room.   
  
Stupid powers. Stupid control. Just so stupid. But even as the lust and the moment between them was over and the room was a total mess with broken glass and funitures that wasn't on their right place, Dean laughed and Sam couldn't help joining in to it. It was over for the moment, but his mind was still not clouded and Sam felt nice all over his body, except that..   
  
"I'm hungry." He said as they stopped laughing and Dean stroked the back of Sam's damp hair and Sam leaned into the touch.   
  
"Me too."   
  
Dean kissed him long and deep before he got off the bed, moved in a weird pattern Sam knew he wouldn't be able to make himself to avoid the glass. Dean got his jeans on, then he went back to the bed and helped Sam, who still was sitting on it, to get his own jeans on as well.   
  
"We don't need to dress further since dad and Jim won't be home for awhile at least." Dean said and Sam nodded, but he still wasn't sure how to get himself downstairs with all the stupid glass on the floor. "Put your arms around me and I'll carry you out of here."   
  
Sam did as he was told, felt Dean's strong arms lift him up and then it was just pain for about twenty four seconds before Dean carefully let Sam down and kissed him again and said sorry. Not sorry for what had happened between them, but sorry for the pain of the carrying. Sam smiled into the kiss and felt the cool spot of cum on Dean's chest as he caressed his brother's stomach.   
  
"I won't wash it off yet." Dean whispered into the kiss. "Want to smell like us a little while longer."   
  
Which made Sam moan and Dean laughed as the kiss deepened. "Okay.. food."   
  
They almost ran down the stairs to get to the frigde because they both were spent and hungry and yet so damn happy. Sam stopped mid-step however when he took in the scene in front of him in the living room that was close to the kitchen and his breath caught in his throat as Dean walked right in on him and before they had time to say anything, dad cleared his throat as he looked them both over.   
  
"Dad, it's.." Sam heard Dean say and Sam just had to stop him as he glared at his brother and said in a low but stern voice;   
  
"Dean, for once, just shut the hell up!"   
  
They both looked at him with big eyes then and Sam gasped when he realized what he had just done. There was no words missing, no tremble or stutter or pause, he'd just talked and it had made total sense and it made Sam's lips turn up into a wide smile despite the seriousness of the situation and they smiled with him as they let it go. Dad didn't comment on them together, didn't say anything at all really, just turned back to the TV. Sam and Dean went into the kitchen to make themselves a few toastes. It felt fucking fantastic!   
  
"I just.." Dean said as he sat down beside Sam by the table in the kitchen and when Sam looked at him, Dean smiled. "I think it's best that we tell dad what happened."   
  
"But Dean.." Sam started but Dean shook his head and laughed as his cheeks flushed red.   
  
"No, not about that exactly.. But about the mess it made. He knows you've got the abilites, he might find a way to get it under control somehow." Dean said and it made sense so Sam nodded.   
  
They ate in silence as they stilled the hunger and also stilled the nervousness they both felt in the moment with food. It felt strange because Sam had been avoiding food when he last felt unhappy, but it was just another way to see his recovery in the eye, because that's just what it was. A big step towards recovery.   
  
"We need to talk to you, dad." Dean said as soon as they'd put the dishes away and went out to the living room.   
  
Dad eyed them both from the couch, then he turned off the sound of the TV and fixed his eyes upon Dean's chest, made a face and Sam had no idea what that meant but it wasn't disgust or disapproval and Sam knew that because he had seen dad show those both feelings before in their shared times together, so Sam knew there was something else the man thought about and Sam hid his face in his hands as dad slowly said;   
  
"First I want you to wash that off," He pointed at Dean's chest. "then we can talk."   
  
Okay. It wasn't disgust or dissaproval, none of the above, but there was something and Dean didn't even protest as he made his way to the bathroom and Sam felt a little jumpy, because he knew this - in law - wasn't really okay. It was called incest and if dad had been any less smart, any less Winchester, he would've had a fit. But instead he told Sam in a nice, calm voice to look at him and Sam did after a short while of controlling himself.   
  
"You've got nothing to worry about, Sammy, none of you do." Dad said and Sam blushed. "What I've learned from watching the two of you those years, I know it was wanted both ways, I'm I wrong?" Sam shook his head and dad nodded slowly. "So it's love. No one can decide who they fall in love with, trust me when I say I get it. So don't worry, because I won't scream my lungs out or anything, I accept it as long as you're honest with one another."   
  
That made Sam blush even further, but he smiled too, because he knew it took a lot of dad to say that, to finally admit the real reason between them. Even if Sam himself had been too deep in his own shell to understand it at the time, he got it now, it had been hard on dad to see it explode in front of his eyes, to sit himself down and accept that he couldn't change the outcome.   
  
"Thanks dad." Sam heard himself say and dad just smiled right back at him.   
  
When Dean reappeared, they told John about the mess in Sam's room, how it came to be like that - not in detail of course - and that it scared them both that there was no way Sam could control it really. Dad listened to both of them before he said something and it took him a while even after they'd talked for his own voice to work.   
  
"I think it's time we make a trip to Missouri. She'll know what to do."   
  
And there it was. They would go there to find the help Sam needed. And Sam was happy that dad didn't raise his hand and put a stop to it, because it was important for all of them for Sam to take control over his powers so as not to accidently hurt someone. And Missouri was the best to help Sam with his abilities, dad was right when he thought that, because Sam knew she'd got them herself. In about three days after that, Sam put his and Dean's duffle bags in the 'pala and watched as dad took the lead with his truck to the direction of Kansas.   
  
They were on the way home.   
  
_**The end** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next is Dean's side of the story.  
> But 'til then, I hope you'd like it and tell me about it! <3


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